Comments on: Why Are Some Questions Okay and Not Others?

By: Mayhem

Mayhem — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 23:37:30 +0000

I’ve been thinking about this since you posted yesterday. I think you can trust that feeling of something not being right about the question.

This isn’t a perfect analogy, but see if you think it makes any sense…

It always bothers me when people ask if the boys are twins (happens ALL the time). (Even when one was in an infant carrier and one was running beside me.) No one ever asks maliciously. It’s always an innocent, curious, legitimate question.

But the boys don’t look anything alike. They are different ages, different developmental stages, different builds, different facial features, different skin tones, different, different, different. I thought at first that maybe I just wasn’t recognizing how alike they were because I was their parent. But that’s really not it.

And it is always white people who ask if they’re twins, NEVER people of color. So, hmmm… I don’t know any parents of two white kids who keep getting asked if their children are twins. (You’ll have to see if you get asked if your boys are twins!)

Now, this is not be true for everyone who asks, but I think often there is an unconscious racist undertone to the question. (As if all Black people look the same or something.)

So, I guess my point is (again recognizing that this isn’t a perfect analogy to the question you pose in your post), sometimes a question can seem perfectly legitimate, but there *is* a double standard or negative assumptions or prejudices going on.

Each situation has to be considered on it’s own, but you’re pretty experienced with this topic in particular. Don’t feel badly for being offended, or assume it’s hormones… If your Prejudice Alarm is beeping, there’s probably something to it.

I also wanted to let you know that I tried a Starbuck’s Peppermint latte on your recommendation, and… Yum!!

Have a great Thanksgiving, Jenna!

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By: pickel

pickel — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 04:38:46 +0000

Jenna,
People do ask the other side. They do ask how are you dealing with infertility, how are you dealing with a special needs kid? How are you doing after your adoption, after your failed adoptions? Are you doing okay?

They just phrase it differently because they hope that you are not doing those things. They hope that you are getting “appropriate help” and not self medicating.

But when you tell them you take/took depression medication they gasp and ask why…”you seem just fine”. Well, that is the whole point of the medication isn’t it?

Make sense?

Jamie…good comment on pain.

pickel’s last blog post..Name Changing?

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By: Jenna

Jenna — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 19:21:55 +0000

Ah, people are not reading what I wrote, I think. I didn’t say the question wasn’t legitimate. I spoke, in fact, of its legitimacy. I’m just asking, “Why don’t we ever ask the flip side of the coin?”

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By: Magissa

Magissa — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 19:05:27 +0000

I had thought that this question is normal because I had seen in discussion forms, couple of birth moms talking about how they turned to alcohol due to grief and reduced self worth after they had lost their children .

This is a big trauma and it is a human being thing to try to escape from the pain especially if that person does not have any coping skills.

I think like what Nicole sad in one of her post ,pain of adoption loss can not be compared with infertility . This question can also be asked to some trauma patients.

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By: Katja

Katja — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 17:07:01 +0000

For me the rule of thumb for asking a question is to first ask myself “Would I be okay with someone asking me this question”. I tend to try to give people the benefit of the doubt about their intent but yeah this question would but me immediately on guard.

Katja’s last blog post..What about me

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By: Jamie

Jamie — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 10:38:47 +0000

Suffering and pain come to everyone… Whether it be self inflicted(ignorantly or knowingly) or you could not control the suffering that has been delt to you. The most important thing is…How do we handle the pain? In a manner that is selfish or a way that is really healing deep down on the inside.
Errg. Anyways, back to your post. Love it when yall flip things like that. For realio. Very good point. We do get made to look like the bad guys in most cases.

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By: Jenna

Jenna — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 01:40:38 +0000

K; For pity’s sake, yes, just leave. Mmhmm, that’s exactly what I meant. See ya.

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By: Krissi

Krissi — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 01:36:43 +0000

Thanksgivingmom,

I’m really glad to know that the question was given thoughtful answers. They are probably answers that so many people could benefit from by reading them.

Jenna,

“Your comments as of late have been rather… I don’t know. But I’m not enjoying them, that’s all I know.”

You can NOT be serious. My comment posed an honest question – and I couldn’t in the minutest sense guess or ASSUME as to why you’re upset by it. I am sorry if you aren’t ‘enjoying’ what I have to say – and I’m left with really wondering when that changed. When I disagree with you? When I don’t understand you and I ask questions? When I challenge you? When?

Please take at least what *I* say at face value (even if you can’t on other blogs). I am who I am, and I’d like to think my ‘intentions’ in commenting on a blog (yours, mine, Santa’s?) are pure. If you value my input, then please consider that I don’t expect you to always agree with me/my blog posts/comments, no more than I’d expect for you to want me always to agree with you/your blog posts/comments.

If you don’t value my input, well then, that’s… that.

Anyway,

If you don’t want me to read your blogs, or comment on them, then you can tell me and I’ll leave. Simple…

K’s last blog post..Where baby brothers and sisters come from

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By: Jenna

Jenna — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 01:04:31 +0000

K; Hence the reason I took it to my own personal space instead of breaking the point of the post. I acknowledged, two or three times in this very post that it is a legitimate question. I just then posted about how it made me feel. Can you tell me why that is wrong? Your comments as of late have been rather… I don’t know. But I’m not enjoying them, that’s all I know.

Edited to Add: It probably looks like I’m being bitchy because you’re disagreeing with me solely on this post so I thought I should clarify. It’s not just this comment. You’ve been rather combative over the past… few months… and I’m really not enjoying being the recipient of it. I’m tired of opening comments from you only to find that, once again, I’ve either been told that I’m wrong or been told how I’m perpetuating something that I’m not. I asked a question. Others seem to understand why I’ve asked, if you read above. Please, if you’re going to just continue to attack me, remove me from all of your contacts. I’m too tired for any of this continued nonsense.

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By: Thanksgivingmom

Thanksgivingmom — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 00:54:42 +0000

K, I know in the particular forum in question, the original posters question was answered straightforward and honestly and wasn’t turned into a “why are you asking me those questions?” kind of a thread.

In general, it’s just sometimes hard to have the same quesion, especially about drug/alcohol use asked of me and other bmoms over and over and over again. I don’t want to spend all day provind stereotypes wrong sometimes.

Thanksgivingmom’s last blog post..Baby Steps

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