I got an interesting e-mail regarding a previous post in which I stated that this adjustment period would be easier without adoption issues. By “interesting,” of course, I do mean scathing, rude and rather off base. I was accused of “wishing my daughter away” and not “cherishing her being.” I find that pretty incredible, knowing who I am and how I feel about my daughter.
My truth is that I do have a daughter, relinquished for adoption. I love her as much as either of the boys currently making my life busy. They live under my roof and do things like make laundry and big messes. She doesn’t live under my roof, true, and I don’t do her laundry or clean up her daily messes. But, gosh, I love her.
But there are days that I wish for things to be different, even just emotionally. Somedays? I’d would much rather be living in denial. There are days when I wish that I didn’t fully understand everything I have lost by placing her for adoption. There are days when I wish I was still drinking the Adoption Kool-Aid, oblivious to the grief, the loss, the unethical treatment, the lies I was told and the fact that things like that are still happening to mothers and their babies. There are days when I just want the world to switch into “Perfect Mode” so that no one feels like I do, either regarding adoption or even parenting in general. I mean, to be honest? My definition of a “Perfect World” has expanded in the past six days to include the fact that breastfeeding would ALWAYS be easy and painless for mothers so that ALL mothers could breastfeed their children without becoming OMG, SO OVERWHELMED.
But the truth remains that our reality is what it is. I make the best of it. I accept my role in the situation. I accept that since I am no longer in denial, there will be moments (days, weeks, months) of pain. I accept that I can’t have that perfect scenario that I’m dreaming of. I accept my daughter for who she is, no matter who she decides to become.
And I also accept that there will be days when I need a freaking nap. An ice cream sundae. And a break from adoption.
End NaBloPoMo. (Expect a lull here leading up to Munchkin’s birthday.)
10 Responses to “A Nap, A Sundae and …”
Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.
A virtual sundae for you, Jenna, and a medal for fighting the good fight and continuing to share your lives with us all in spite of idiots like your commenter.
dawn’s last blog post..Things I could do without
What I don’t get…is how this person got the idea that you were “wishing your daughter away” or whatever else ideas from that post? I see nothing in your words but longing for her.
I don’t get it?
Anyways, as always, *hugs*
Leah’s last blog post..Happy Turkey Day!
Oh, FOR. THE. LOVE. OF.!!!!
That is complete and utter ridiculousness, and anyone who knows you at all understands that you love your daughter with your whole being, that you’re not wishing her away, but that you wish you didn’t have to deal with adoption. Honestly!, I imagine most first moms feel the same way from time to time! Understandably!!
So sorry you have to deal with a comment like that right now.
*hugs* to you, my friend.
Judy’s last blog post..NaBlahBlahBlah
Mean people *&^%!
People can be wretched at times and I wouldn’t attach any belief to the e-mail you got. I read you for several reasons.
My daughter was adopted last year from foster care. SHe had been in care for almost 5 years. Her bmom lost 5 kids total, at different times. It is a sad story.
That said, I want my daughter to have a bmom like you. I want her to have someone who loves her and is living a life to make her proud. I know that her bmom has love for her but she has a hard time feeling it due to the abuse/neglect.
(BEfore anyone says anything I know that foster adoptions and infant adoptions are two totally different things.)
Sometimes I can get a perspective of how her bmom might feel or should feel. At any rate, I’ve learned a lot from you and hope that one random e-mail doesn’t get you down.
There are days when I’ve wished that adoption issues would just go away. I wish that we all felt the good love. My daughter asked once why God let such bad things happen to her. We talked about a perfect world and how if we lived in that there would be no adoption. There would be no foster care, no unplanned pregnancies or drugs.
As the world isn’t perfect, we have adoption and it is our life. I wish my daughter had not been harmed but I would not trade this life for anything.
I don’t understand this comment, either. Was this woman a bmom? Maybe she’s going through a rough time and is taking it out on everyone. Maybe she’s just mean.
On another note, I’m happy to see that the breastfeeding is going well. The first few weeks are the roughest. However, the supply and demand thing will reach an equilibrium and your nipples will toughen up and then you’ll feel like an old pro. Growth spurts (first one occurs around six weeks) may cause you to doubt yourself because little brother will start nursing much more frequently. He’ll just be trying to increase your milk supply to meet his new needs, but you may feel it’s because you don’t have enough milk. If he’s got wet and doo doo diapers every day…you do.
Stupid comment – don’t try to make any sense of it – because it just doesn’t.
A birthmom going through a bad time? Hmm, somehow I doubt it – I’d guess a bitter adoptive mom – but that’s just me, eh? If I had to guess, the comment wasn’t meant to be mean, but it makes no logical sense at all.
I agree Jan, a bitter adopter.
I have read the post upside down and inside out with my “adoptee” brain and my “adopter” brain and even my biomom brain and I see no way to read that into it unless delusional.
erased’s last blog post..Contradiction in Adoption part 1
OK, every time you post that some nitwit has sent you an angry message, several things happen:
1. I get mad and want to poke the person in the eye. Hard. Because you are the most caring, loving, compassionate, empathetic…I could go on and on and ON. How can some people actually not see your supreme awesomeness?
2. Then I kinda laugh at the absurdity of someone saying these foolish things. See part 2 of the statement above. The people who are lashing out at you? Well, I can only assume that in their own pain or insecurity or whatever, they sense that you are a loving soul, and they lash out at you to ease their own feelings, knowing it will hurt you, and feeling some sense of validation of themselves for having hurt you.
3. After thinking some more, I return to eye-poking mode. Grr.
((((HUG)))) to you and ALL your kids, starting with Munchkin and ending with a group hug for everyone.
Coco’s last blog post..Day 5 of Making a Difference!
How are you?
I hope you are well and everything is going all right.
For some reason I feel that you may have more postpartum depression this time.
So I was thinking about you. I hope you are having enough nutrients vitamins and iron and you have somebody to help you.