The Chronicles of Munchkin Land » Blog Archive

Remember when I said I was feeling quiet? Just yesterday? Well, apparently no one had sufficiently riled me up as of late. No one had pressed those buttons. And nothing does it more than telling me that I have no bond with my placed child.

In today’s post about post-adoption contact agreements over at the birth-first parent blog, I covered Rhode Island’s laws. Rhode Island has a rather forward-thinking set of laws, making room for modification and legal enforcement as well as differentiating between and including both voluntary relinquishments and state terminated rights. I gave them a big thumbs up. And then my favorite anti-openness commenter leaves this lame comment on the blog:

“The court finds there is significant emotional attachment between the child and the birth parent.” Wouldn’t that clause prevent agreements in infant adoption? It almost sounds like they are intending to allow agreements for every type of adoption except infant adoptions.

Can you hear my eyes rolling? I should know better, really, than to let this particular commenter bug me the least little bit as he is known anti-openness, anti-birth parent individual. However, as I’m just getting back into the blogging swing over there since having, ya know, a baby, I may be slightly sensitive. Especially since, ya know, in the process of having a baby, I’m reminded all too much HOW MUCH BOND A MOTHER HAS WITH HER CHILD UPON BIRTHING HIM/HER.

Of course, I responded with a passive-aggressive dismissal of his masculinity:

John; I’ll let that comment go considering that you’ve never carried a child to term.

Of course, I should have, looking at it now, attacked him directly and not either men or women who haven’t carried a child. Because my Husband understands the bond that I had with all of my children prior to their arrival. In fact, my Husband was bonded with all of those children prior to their arrivals. My Husband is not the only man on the Earth capable of understanding and appreciating that early bonding process. Furthermore, I know many a woman who hasn’t been pregnant, either by choice or by chance, that understands the maternal bond of pregnancy. Beyond understanding it, those individuals are able to appreciate and celebrate that bond for what it is: special and beautiful.

And so, don’t take what I’m saying to that individual out of context. Moving on…

Of course, that individual took everything out of context as the section he quoted was addressing different forms of adoption in separate notations. Infant adoptions are addressed by talking about birth and adoptive families jointly executing the contact agreement and are further mentioned when addressing just who they are talking about:

At the time an adoption decree is entered, the court entering the decree may grant postadoption visitation, contact, and/or conveyance of information privileges (hereinafter referred to as ”postadoption privileges”) to a birth parent who has consented to an adoption or voluntarily terminated the parent-child relationship or has had his or her parental rights involuntarily terminated.

But back to this lack of emotional attachment.

Tell me how a newborn is not attached to his/her biological mother. Just try to tell me. Because you’ll be wrong in so many ways. While I do believe that a newborn can bond with new parents, that child has bonded with the one who gave him/her life and sustenance for nine months. I won’t launch into the trauma of breaking that bond but to deny the bond is to deny simple biology.

Furthermore: DO I NEED TO DISCUSS HOW A MOTHER BONDS WITH HER CHILD?

Augh. I’m so aggravated. I’m tired of the bond I have with my daughter, which started on the day she was conceived, being diminished. I would never EVER dream of diminishing the bond my daughter has with either of her everyday parents. There’s no way that I could; she loves the bejeebus out of them! But she loves me, too. And I love her. And I’m flipping TIRED of being told that I DO NOT COUNT.

So angry.

I’d be angry, too! The nerve! I mean, seriously? Do people not understand it?
Amazing.

The Domestic Goddess’s last blog post..I Do Not Feel Like Thinking Today

Ohhhh, there are those whose sole purpose, it would seem, is just to stir the pot and cause trouble.

And you know — and so many of us do — that he’s just plain wrong.

*hugs*

Judy’s last blog post..more people to be told

I’m going to work hard for this to not be taken the wrong way because I very much respect you, very firmly support you, and most certainly think you and your children (ALL of them) have the sort of bond you describe. I almost hesitate to say anything, but have decided discussion is important despite the fear of flames and retribution…

As I’ve discussed on my blog and continue to dialog with a number of people about, the bond you and your daughter experienced is wonderful but, whether for good or for ill, is not a universal experience. There are birth/first mothers who do not bond with their child(ren) and vice versa. That not everyone experiences the same thing is part of human nature, but that doesn’t have to mean that your experience is devalued.

And that certainly doesn’t mean that John was right about what he said (or anything else he said — I have no experience with him, but from what you’ve said he does seem like one of those people who seeks to cause problems and needs to undermine other people in order to make himself feel better or whatever). Nor does it mean that there aren’t other people out there who are seeking to invalidate your relationship with your daughter.

I do think it’s important, though, for people (both generally and in the adoption triad) to realize that there are no absolutes in human experience. When we stake out territory that includes universals we alienate those people whose experience doesn’t connect but who could benefit from our support and we draw lines between “us” and “them” that pit members of the triad against each other in divisive and destructive ways.

sluggomarie’s last blog post..How John Edwards lost my vote

Whether the mother bonds with the child or not does not mean that the child does not bond with the mother. That said, I know a few birth mothers who purposefully TRIED not to bond either because of personal fear or they were instructed in that manner by unethical people. That said, of those who TRIED not to bond, only a few were successful in TOTALLY escaping the bond. Others were shocked by how much they HAD bonded with the child when the child was born… when the previously thought that they had avoided such bond.

I can speak as a firstmom that attempted to not bond because I knew I wasn’t going to parent and, well, I don’t know why really.

Like Jenna said, I bonded whether I intended to or not. And I trust that my daughter bonded with me. Her Mom still tells me how she thinks DD was such a calm baby at just a few days and weeks old because of how I told her I spoke to DD during the pregnancy…

I agree that each individual has her own experiences with placement, but I think the bond naturally exists, and if it doesn’t it’s because it was forcebally repressed…

Thanksgivingmom’s last blog post..Return of the Face Slapping Ninja

I hesitate to say that almost anything is “natural” because that is such a loaded word and because we still know so little about so many issues of biology, physiology, psychology, and human life in general. And Jenna is right that a mother not bonding doesn’t mean the child did not. Similarly, a child may not bond despite the fact that the mother did. I know (and continue to hear from more) people — both adopted and not — who did not develop this sort of bond with the woman who carried them

And it may well be that such a bond only doesn’t exist (from the maternal side) when it is forcibly repressed. That doesn’t mean, though, that the bond always exists — it very well may not. That is all I am indicating in my comment — that we recognize there are no universal feelings and that claiming there are drives people away from conversations and alienates people.

This certainly isn’t only true in the first/birth mothers area of adoption (I use this construction of first/birth not to be offensive or insulting but because I have heard from several such women that they object to the first mother title, so I’m trying to be as inclusive as possible — which is darn hard!).

The same thing takes place with adoptive parents and adopted persons. We are all constantly told what we “should” be feeling as a result of our participation in adoption (or a result of any number of other things) and are left to feel that there is something wrong with us if our experience doesn’t match the “norm.”

Additionally, these ideas of “should” and “ought” end up spawning stereotypes that are then tapped into by other members of the triad as a reasons why we are enemies or can’t work together or just don’t understand each other or…

sluggomarie’s last blog post..When your children sound like you

I am too stressed to continue to allow comments on this post.

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Subscribe via RSS