Curiouser and Curiouser
Posted: February 19, 2008 at 4:58 pmI’ve been doing a lot of thinking about postpartum depression lately. (Welcome to my world.) And I’m wondering what others’ experiences are. I’m curious if birth mothers are more likely to experience forms of PPD in subsequent, parented pregnancies. Or if maybe I’m an oddball out.
Perhaps soon I’ll form some more coherent thoughts on this and write a stellar post. But for now, this is my train of thought:
1. Subsequent pregnancies were emotionally triggering for me. I was constantly awash in memories and flashbacks with both pregnancies after placement.
2. I’m very, very hard on myself with relation to my mothering and parenting abilities and I attribute this to the guilt and anger I have with myself regarding placement. This lack of wiggle room for mistakes really leads to a generally depressed state of being.
3. That said, I’m also a pretty awesome mother and that realization often makes me kick myself in the butt.
4. Cuddling little babies, mine or someone else’s, inevitably brings up emotions. And not always warm fuzzy ones.
5. I’m always on super-alert-aware-mode that she’s not here. It’s really never been “this” bad. It could be other stuff going on in my life as well. I don’t know.
All this said, yeah, I’ve got some bummed out feelings that I’m dealing with in private. (Read: with my therapist!) I don’t know if one has caused the other or if they’re just semi-related or not at all. I don’t really have any answers. All I know is that this adjustment has been really, really hard on me. I’ve been left feeling like a failure and I can’t shake that feeling. It has negatively affected my entire life, even things that you wouldn’t think would be touched by either PPD or adoption issues.
I’m thankful for my Husband though. He has been so patient, so encouraging and so loving through all of this muck. Without him… well… let’s not go there today.
I should really form coherent thoughts on the subject. But I think I need to get through it first. And then. Maybe.
The Discussion
see what everyone is saying
Just so you know, you are so seriously one of my heroes.
dawn’s last blog post..Ahh, juicy adoption discussion!
Oh, just lots of *hugs* and many prayers. And total friendship.
Judy’s last blog post..My (Very Large Round) Cold Bald Head
Another topic I could write a book on. PPD after loss of first child to adoption. I am with you sister. Been there. Done that. If I can help in anyway, call, write, send a carrier pigeon.
In the words of The Pretenders
“Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Dont be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
cause Ive seen the dark side too”
Hugs.
I get hit pretty hard with memories after each of my births. I think Juliet’s birth so far has been the hardest triggering. They kept her in the nursery for hours after she was born and refused to tell me anything about why she was being kept so long. Homer had gone home and it was just me left in the hospital room all by myself again with my thoughts. So much the same, but so much different. I was a big sobbing mess.
After Serafina was born, I also had a lot of memories of Bj’s birth come back. Each year I am such a different person than I was before with my grief and loss work, so it wasn’t too surprising that I had to rework through all of it again through different filters and experiences.
With BeanBaby, I have emailed our church pastors to keep a close eye on both Homer and I once this baby is born. I gave them the heads up that they need to understand that birth triggers the loss memories and we need reaching out to. I also gave them the heads up of really reaching out even stronger had BeanBaby been a boy instead of a girl because that impact of revisiting emotions and memories would be new territory not explored before.
Anyway, I get ya!
magicpointeshoe’s last blog post..Serafina two days past the dental work
I am here for you girl. Warrior chicks must stick together.