Thank you, Jenna, for saying it for all of us.

“I accept the responsibility for my pregnancy, for not being strong enough to say, “No, I’m keeping her,” when I was faced with negativity from my family regarding my financial state and for not believing in myself enough to realize my potential as a parent. But I will not take the blame for believing what I was told was the truth and the whole story. I am not a mind reader. In fact, when I try to guess at people’s intention, I usually end up making a bigger mess! I am human. Things I did and decided contributed to the placement. Things other people did and decided also contributed to the placement.”

Indeed. Yes, indeed.

Nicole’s last blog post..Victim to survivor

Never mind the fact that we do our research during the nine months of a crisis pregnancy while everyone else gets to do their research for an extended time under less physically and emotionally draining circumstances.

Poor_Statue’s last blog post..Where Have I Been?

I am blown away every time someone snippily comments “you ought to have known better” with regards to first parents and the myriad of pains, hurts, and raw emotions surrounding relinquishment. Regarding coercion. Regarding lies by agencies and broken promises.

We afford much sympathy to, say, elderly people who are taken for their life savings by telemarketing or investment scams. We feel furious that people are preying on the weak, on the vulnerable there. But if a mother is sweet-talked out of her child under suspicious, sometimes outright immoral circumstances? Forget it. Throw her right to the wolves. She just ought to have known better.

Coco’s last blog post..The Bitter End

I wrote a bit over at Dawn’s about what you’ve mentioned. Like you, I was extremely ill/bed ridden during my pregnancy and there was no internet in 1989. I went to various libraries and bookstores to no avail. Nonetheless, someone got on and started comparing her research abilities (as an adoptive parent) at the time to mine. I didn’t bother responding, as I’d already seen Nicole attempt to reason with her and others there.

I trusted, like you trusted. I trusted because I did not have the luxury of not leaning on other human beings at that time in my life. I believe most moms who are dealing with an unplanned pregnancy do not have the same reserve/energy/tenacity they otherwise would have… simply due to the situation. And we all, as humans, have times in our lives when we are vulnerable to the point where we must trust others to some degree. Why wouldn’t I have trusted “experts” with knowledge about adoption law, etc?

Why would I have questioned the validity of an open adoption agreement? To me, at the time, that would have been like questioning the legalities of adoption itself. I assumed they were one and the same.

And personal responsibility? If anything, I sherpa-d other’s responsibilities within this context for years and years. It wasn’t until around 2004/5 that I began to lay some of that down or give it back to whence it came.

Like you, when I have written, it has been for those who come after me. I don’t like writing about my experience with surrender (or about the broader issues involved). It hurts and brings me back to ground zeros I’d rather not think about. It also hurts to be stalked and flamed when writing (even anonymously) about the most poignant and vulnerable moments of my life, but I wrote (and continue to comment) knowing that amidst all of that … some pregnant mom may be offered a perspective different from the one her agency is providing. Someone hoping to adopt may see another perspective. Some eyes may be opened just a little.

“But when agencies aren’t being held accountable, I’m wondering where their responsibility lies? Why don’t they have to be responsible for the truth?”

Exactly. The “you shouldn’t have trusted the agency” mentality is frightening. It seems like, culturally, we are letting some very powerful folks off the hook and endorsing some pretty awful tactics. Adoption will never have squeeky clean ethics, so long as we say, “oh, so the agency lied … you should have known better.”

As parents, whether adoptive or birth/first parents, it seems a no brainer that we should unite together with adult adoptees (and our little kiddos) in holding agencies/professionals/lobbying organizations, etc. utterly accountable.

magicpointeshoe’s last blog post..Serafina two days past the dental work

Judy’s last blog post..My Cold (Very) BALD Head; and Hats

I have “known” you online (even when you probably did not know I knew…from way back in the day of my lurking on LJ) and I have seen such amazing growth and healing in you.

You get it sister. You totally seriously get it. Your responsibility, their responsibility (whether they be adoptive parents, agencies or society at large). Dont listen to the naysayers and haters. Keep on doing what you are doing. They only screech because we frighten them. The more we talk, the more the world knows the truth, the less babies there will be for purchase. Keep on talking.

You get it.

Keep on talking.

Our girls, yours and mine, will indeed inherit a better world (at least as long as you and I have something to say about it). Their bodies and their children will be their own. They will make educated choices of their own free will and they will know that with adoption comes love AND pain.

Hugs and much love.