What. The. French. TOAST?!
In regards to this post about this article and my comment, there’s a follow up comment from some … one.
Sorry Munchkin’sFirstMom,
Babies who are voluntarily relinquished for adoption are “unwanted.” (You don’t put wanted babies up for adoption.)
Adoptive parents are “rescuing” that child and making a very hard decision in a very hard situation as well. Quite frankly, if the US adoption system would concentrate a little harder on respecting the rights of adoptive parents more children would be adopted domestically. It is, quite frankly, “easier” to adopt internationally.Been there, done that.
— Posted by RUBBA
Rubba, if I do say so, you are part of the problem, not the answer. Oh my. My head is spinning. There is so much wrong with this comment that I can’t begin to properly and coherently address it. But let’s wing it.
No. My child was never unwanted. Do not tell me that. And for the love of all things holy, DO NOT EVER TELL HER THAT. What the heck? Do you want adopted children to feel that way? As if they were unwanted? Unloved? Unspecial? Do you really want to give them that kind of complex? WHEN THEY WERE WANTED!!!!
I hate this “argument.” My daughter was wanted and loved. Things happened and she was placed for adoption. That did not mean she wasn’t loved or wanted and that she isn’t loved and wanted. I will always love her. She will always be missed in my family. Her presence will always be wanted.
The whole “rescuing” thing is bogus. Beyond the fact that J&D are great parents, they’re not better than me. They’re different, that’s true, though not heavily so. I do ask for advice from D from time to time because she’s been there and done that with a lot of stuff. I trust her opinion. I trust her parenting. You know, that’s why I chose the two of them to parent my child! The only huge difference is that she was at a point in her life to parent at that time whereas I was doubting my abilities to do so.
And do we really need to address the whole “rescuing” attitude with how adoptees are made to feel as though they should be forever grateful to their (adoptive) parents? That’s a really crappy way to be raised. Children shouldn’t be made to feel like that.
And no. If the system really starts focusing SOLELY on adoptive parent rights, less mothers are going to place. Plain and freaking simple.
I’m appalled that people out there really, really think like this. It’s scary, folks. I fear for our children.
21 Responses to “Oh! Thanks! I Didn’t Know She Was Unwanted!”
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I’m also appalled…I real the article and read through all of the responses. Disgusting. And this is one of the (many) reasons why I have pretty much given up ever adopting a child, even though I was raised to believe it was a beautiful, wonderful, natural thing (there are many who bed to differ). I have several adopted family members (cousins, aunts, uncles and in-laws) and all are considered well-adjusted. Want to know why? because they all, save one, have relationships with their first parents. The one who doesn’t is adopted from Korea and is five. Hopefully, one day, he’ll get to go back there. I just don’t understand why folks do not realize how important birth/first parents are. Just because babies aren’t expected or born into ideal circumstances does not mean they are wanted. Just because they are adopted does not mean they are unloved.
I don’t know how you deal with this so well, Jenna. You may not think you do, but you have a beautiful way of explaining yourself and never cease to amaze me. Thanks for bringing and keeping important issues to the light.
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Uh. Boy. Amazing.
I tend to think it is the MOTHERS that are unwanted. Single, young, uneducated, or other. It is them that society looks down upon and we are convinced we are evil bad and wrong and we believe that cockapoo they feed us. We are brainwashed into believing that our children are better off without us and that adoptive parents are better than us.
No, our children are not unwanted. But commenters like Rubba are.
Hugs.
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Twitter: thiswomanswork
says:
I don’t understand how people don’t SEE this stuff????
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“Adoptive parents are “rescuing” that child”
I want to hurl. I’ve had more than one person tell me that I ‘rescued’ my son from some horrible situation and that I’m such a saint for doing son.
Um, sorry, I didn’t ‘rescue’ him – I had a very selfish reason to adopt – because I wanted to be a parent. Period.
ANYONE who uses ‘rescuing’ as a word to refer to adoption should be about 1123135091048019381 zillion miles away from all children.
“if the US adoption system would concentrate a little harder on respecting the rights of adoptive parents more children would be adopted domestically”
‘respecting the rights of adoptive parents’ – Huh? First of all, where is the ‘disrespect of adoptive parents’ can someone please tell me? Secondly more domestic adoptions might “happen” if legalized open adoptions could be upheld (as in, the rights of the birth parents in an ‘open’ adoption)…
“It is, quite frankly, “easier” to adopt internationally.”
The NUMBER ONE question I am asked is “was it easy to adopt your son?” I usually respond with some version of “adoption isn’t easy, but it is time consuming, expensive and an emotional roller-coaster…” I
I don’t think my son’s adoption was any ‘easier’ than any other adoption. We had to go through the same homestudy/paperwork (oh, plus a lot of EXTRA paperwork that has to do with the laws of the other country, our own country’s laws about who is qualified to adopt internationally… and then there’s the whole immigration side of things as well as proving our son’s new US citizenship [when I adopted it wasn't law that proof of citizenship was 'automatic'] the ongoing annual reports we are obligated to make to the Ukrainian embassy until he is 18 and so-on) ANYWAY – it wasn’t easier, it was just different.
And as far as ‘easier’ post-adoption? I’d say that’s up for grabs… because we’ve had a much harder time trying to involve our son’s family in our family and filling in the blanks for him. It’s not like we just live in another state and can travel there – we live in another country, speak another language and don’t even write using the same alphabet.
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What the French Toast indeed (you are far better able to reign in your language than I — more power to you for that!) I would have been far more crass in my response…
I continue to be completely unable to believe what some people think (let alone then actually saying it out loud where other people have to listen to it). And I can’t even begin to express how sorry I am for the child it appears Rubba has adopted. That child, and Rubba, are in for some rude awakenings — how can anyone parent a child when they start from the notion that the child was unwanted and the adoptive parent “saved” them (how very late 1800s adoption history — good to see Rubba has progressed so far…) It’s always good to know that another adoptive parent is completely ignoring all research and scholarship on adoption….ugh indeed!
And to think many adoptive parents wonder why people don’t like us — I mean, hey! We’re savin’ the world! (Please note serious sarcasm here)
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I have not yet read the article, but I am on my way, now. Just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to add “Yew Lint LICKER!” Your french toast quote cracked me up–best commercial ever.
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what.an.ass.
french toast. i’m going to have to remember that.
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As an adoptive parent, I just want to say that I am appalled by that comment, and even more so by the fact that the addition of ‘been there, done that’ leads me to believe the author is also an adoptive parent. I did not “rescue” my child! And by the way, he is also not “lucky” – I am. (If one more person tells me in front of my child how lucky he is, I’m going to clock someone.) He was certainly not “unwanted” by his father, who relinquished him. Tears were shed and hearts were broken, and the struggle and effort to keep in contact and try to have an open international adoption is certainly not “easy”.
And if reading that comment made *me* want to bang my head on the desk, I can’t imagine how it would make you feel.
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Oh my, I don’t even have the words. Complete crap (I really want to cuss right now and use another word.)
My daughter absolutely was wanted and loved. That’s why adoption is so HARD, because we loved them SO MUCH. I loved her more than anything in the world, but I wanted better for her life. Don’t even tell me, or you, or any other birth mother how she feels toward her child.
Ugh. Get her, Jenna. She makes me want to chunk stuff at my computer, but that wouldn’t do any good.
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it is sad that the process is such that this ignorant ass could actually be permitted to adopt a child.
who i’m sure will never be grateful enough for being rescued. poor thing.
this makes me throw up in my mouth a little and i’m a PAP. i can’t even imagine what it must do to you.
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Good for you, Jenna, for being so level-headed in your response. I’m so ticked off that I’m left . . . speechless.
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“And no. If the system really starts focusing SOLELY on adoptive parent rights, less mothers are going to place. Plain and freaking simple.”
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Food for thought. Maybe that’s the answer.
I think I’d be willing to push for MORE (pre)adoptive parent rights and absolutely no biological parent rights if it meant fewer women placing.
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I am as proud of you in your calm response to this absurdity as I am apalled that this kind of absurd thinking exists. I cannot fathom, simply CANNOT fathom, how someone can bring this to the table. It makes me so sad for the child they are raising. So, so sad. Sad for their child’s first parents. Just. So. Pathetically. Sad.
I just spent four hours tonight at my local adoption community group — from adoptees to birth parents to adoptive parents, we’re all members, we all learn and are enlightened every time we gather. I tend to leave these gatherings feeling good, feeling like people “get” it, that the respect and understanding is there — and then reading something like this just makes me want to hurl. It’s a sober reminder of why groups like mine exist. To educate, to support, to try to shed light.
Damn, there’s so much work to do.
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Jenna,
As someone whose children (or at least two of my three) have come to my family through adoption I have to say that I hate this attitude. My children were very much loved. I know they were because I can feel it in how well taken care of they were. People will tell us how lucky our kids are and I immediately tell them that no we are the lucky ones. I will admit that I did adopt internationally because I feel the domestic system is wrought with problems. I don’t think it works well enough for either side. So, for us international was the way to go.
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I just can’t wrap my brain around people who actually think and say these things. I’m saving a child who was unwanted. As if there was something wrong with the child or the parents. Which, is one in the same, since they are all connected.
NO, for sure, no child is unwanted. NEVER.
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When I read something so stupid as this comment, as an adoptive mother, it makes me want to either beat my head on a wall or hide it in a hole for fear that people would actually think that I could EVER THINK like this. Rescuing my children??? Are you kidding me? I know that I got the “Its so good of you to do this….you’re kids are so lucky” comments from people (to which I always responded, “No way, we are definitely the ones that are blessed”) but sometimes I ignorantly assume it is people who hadn’t been involved in adoption in anyway, who had been taught years and years ago (honestly it normally has been much older people) awful assumptions of birthmothers. And normally the people that say things like that to me are the same ones that look at us with a strange look because we’re a “multi-racial” family, so I try to avoid them to begin with. The article just infuriated me anyway. I feel bad for this persons children whom they’ve adopted from China. Thankfully for them, their children won’t have any identity issues as they get older since they are asian instead of my biracial daughter! (Saying that sarcastically of course) They can defend themselves in anyway they want, but it was just their trying to act like they aren’t racist. We “selfishly” adopted our girls because we wanted children, and I was not going to sit on a waiting list for years to try and adopt a child that looked just like me, we wanted the child God had intended for us to adopt. I’m not saying that it will be perfectly easy for my children to have “white” parents, but I don’t think its as complex as people want to think. Or maybe I’m just not worried about that as much as some. I’m just supposed to love them, support them, help them in anyway I can. I’m definitely not supposed to avoid adopting them because somewhere in the future I may get hurt. Please! I’ve seen so many families be hurt by their own biological children — its called adolescence. I NEVER once would ever think my girls were unwanted by their birthmothers. We did meet one of our girls birthmothers, one didn’t want to meet us in person for some reason. And now we don’t have contact from them (we have written and sent pictures, but they haven’t responded), but right now that is their choice and I have to respect that. I really crave having that contact, I wish my girls had the kind of relationship like your daughter does with you. I’m really hoping that some day, that maybe they felt like they needed no contact, but will change their minds, we have written to them and expressed that we are open and wanting contact, whatever they want. I also have been asked several times if we do have contact and I will say no and more times than not the response is “Oh, that’s good” and I just don’t get that, how is it good that my children have no contact with their birthmother. We do have pictures, we do have “history, but its not the same. Anyway, off my soap box, thanks for writing this, I really appreciate your thoughts and your comment back to this person. I do hope that people realize that all adoptive parents aren’t horrible and just concerned about our so called rights or that we think we’ve done some great deed. I am truly blessed, I can’t imagine a day without my girls, which makes me think how their birthmothers must be feeling.
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I’ve tried to write this 5 times & I’ve deleted it each time – I’m not sure this will make sense outside of my own head.
I’m sorry, but as an adopted child ~ I have a different view on the article’s words. While there are a great many birth mother’s who struggled with putting their children up — there are a great number of women who did not want the responsiblity, or presence, of children.
I was born to one of those women.
It took me years to come to grips with the fact that she was a sh*tty parent. My parents (the adoptive set) did rescue me. No this was not indoctrinated into my head, no it has never been taught to me that I was “saved”. And I have heard my Mother tell people off for saying “oh you rescued her” because she feels like they were the ones who were blessed … but I do feel very strongly that I was rescued & that I thank God for that every chance I get.
I’m an adopted adult who has gone through a lot of therapy to be able to say the words “She didn’t want me, it wasn’t my fault, she didn’t deserve me and I had a better life without her in it.” I met her and I refuse to call her my mother, because she never earned that position in my life. I choose not to have contact with her, and it’s my decision that she will never know my husband or our family. I don’t apologize for that anymore because this is what’s healthy for my life. I truly do wish we could have had our Oprah/Sally Jesse moment of “Oh I knew you when I saw you, I’ve loved you & missed you & we’ll fit perfectly as a family again forever and ever amen.” It’s taken years for me to accept that the t.v. moment will never happen for me.
I understand that part of your issue with the article that he said that his girls were unwanted ~ but without knowing the situation that they were in prior to their adoption, I don’t think that it’s fair to crucify him for the statement. There are uppity people who feel that adoption “saves children” and while I can’t stand the entitled attitudes behind those words, the words themselves aren’t always wrong. I know that I am in a minority of children who truly weren’t wanted. But we are out there, we do exist & it does happen.
(Ok, 6 revisions. I’m hoping this one makes sense.)
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Jenna, a little off topic but it might make you smile. AJ is just learning the art of expletives and his favorite is Gdammit, thanks to my father. I think I need to teach him French Toast. :)
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The domestic infant adoption system in the US should focus MORE on “respecting the rights of adoptive parents”? Is that what I’m hearing?
How much more “respect” do adoptive parents need in the equation from the system? They already have agencies, lawyers, and facilitators who work tirelessly to ensure that “placements happen”, and many of them pursue those placements at any cost. They already have one of the most powerful lobbies in our whacked-out government fighting to have first parents dismissed, lied to, and shamed, and which is constantly extolling the virtues of adoption while suppressing as much as they can that explores any issues created by it. They already have full legal power to close promised open adoptions any time, for any reason, in almost every state.
Really, who would this Rubba person suppose had most of the power in this system? I’m confused. It sure as shootin’ ain’t first parents.
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Well said Jenna!
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Thanks for drawing everyone’s attention to this article. I’m glad there were quite a few other comments disagreeing with Rubba on the NYT page…
I also read this today about Gwyneth Paltrow possibly looking to adopt, and her comments kind of upset me. She said, “I have a good friend who always says that if you’re a person of means at all, then you have to adopt because there are so many kids in the world who need homes… We might get one from Brooklyn. No baby is more helpless than another baby.” I think it goes along with the idea that adoptive parents are some kind of rescuers for the poor unwanted children of the world and as a potential adoptive mom, it really annoyed me…
http://blogs.parentcenter.babycenter.com/celebrities/2008/02/12/gwyneth-wants-a-brooklyn-baby/
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