Comments on: Oh! Thanks! I Didn’t Know She Was Unwanted!

By: Elle

Elle — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 22:31:52 +0000

Thanks for drawing everyone’s attention to this article. I’m glad there were quite a few other comments disagreeing with Rubba on the NYT page…

I also read this today about Gwyneth Paltrow possibly looking to adopt, and her comments kind of upset me. She said, “I have a good friend who always says that if you’re a person of means at all, then you have to adopt because there are so many kids in the world who need homes… We might get one from Brooklyn. No baby is more helpless than another baby.” I think it goes along with the idea that adoptive parents are some kind of rescuers for the poor unwanted children of the world and as a potential adoptive mom, it really annoyed me…

http://blogs.parentcenter.babycenter.com/celebrities/2008/02/12/gwyneth-wants-a-brooklyn-baby/

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By: kim

kim — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 06:59:36 +0000

Well said Jenna!

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By: Coco

Coco — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 17:29:19 +0000

The domestic infant adoption system in the US should focus MORE on “respecting the rights of adoptive parents”? Is that what I’m hearing?

How much more “respect” do adoptive parents need in the equation from the system? They already have agencies, lawyers, and facilitators who work tirelessly to ensure that “placements happen”, and many of them pursue those placements at any cost. They already have one of the most powerful lobbies in our whacked-out government fighting to have first parents dismissed, lied to, and shamed, and which is constantly extolling the virtues of adoption while suppressing as much as they can that explores any issues created by it. They already have full legal power to close promised open adoptions any time, for any reason, in almost every state.

Really, who would this Rubba person suppose had most of the power in this system? I’m confused. It sure as shootin’ ain’t first parents.

Coco’s last blog post..The Bitter End

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By: pickel

pickel — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 05:32:43 +0000

Jenna, a little off topic but it might make you smile. AJ is just learning the art of expletives and his favorite is Gdammit, thanks to my father. I think I need to teach him French Toast. :)

pickel’s last blog post..You Can?t Outsmart Grief

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By: Bellamomma

Bellamomma — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 04:42:55 +0000

I’ve tried to write this 5 times & I’ve deleted it each time – I’m not sure this will make sense outside of my own head.

I’m sorry, but as an adopted child ~ I have a different view on the article’s words. While there are a great many birth mother’s who struggled with putting their children up — there are a great number of women who did not want the responsiblity, or presence, of children.

I was born to one of those women.

It took me years to come to grips with the fact that she was a sh*tty parent. My parents (the adoptive set) did rescue me. No this was not indoctrinated into my head, no it has never been taught to me that I was “saved”. And I have heard my Mother tell people off for saying “oh you rescued her” because she feels like they were the ones who were blessed … but I do feel very strongly that I was rescued & that I thank God for that every chance I get.

I’m an adopted adult who has gone through a lot of therapy to be able to say the words “She didn’t want me, it wasn’t my fault, she didn’t deserve me and I had a better life without her in it.” I met her and I refuse to call her my mother, because she never earned that position in my life. I choose not to have contact with her, and it’s my decision that she will never know my husband or our family. I don’t apologize for that anymore because this is what’s healthy for my life. I truly do wish we could have had our Oprah/Sally Jesse moment of “Oh I knew you when I saw you, I’ve loved you & missed you & we’ll fit perfectly as a family again forever and ever amen.” It’s taken years for me to accept that the t.v. moment will never happen for me.

I understand that part of your issue with the article that he said that his girls were unwanted ~ but without knowing the situation that they were in prior to their adoption, I don’t think that it’s fair to crucify him for the statement. There are uppity people who feel that adoption “saves children” and while I can’t stand the entitled attitudes behind those words, the words themselves aren’t always wrong. I know that I am in a minority of children who truly weren’t wanted. But we are out there, we do exist & it does happen.

(Ok, 6 revisions. I’m hoping this one makes sense.)

Bellamomma’s last blog post..Aiden, Berger & BIG ~ Carrie’s coming back!!!!

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By: DeAnna

DeAnna — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 01:43:27 +0000

When I read something so stupid as this comment, as an adoptive mother, it makes me want to either beat my head on a wall or hide it in a hole for fear that people would actually think that I could EVER THINK like this. Rescuing my children??? Are you kidding me? I know that I got the “Its so good of you to do this….you’re kids are so lucky” comments from people (to which I always responded, “No way, we are definitely the ones that are blessed”) but sometimes I ignorantly assume it is people who hadn’t been involved in adoption in anyway, who had been taught years and years ago (honestly it normally has been much older people) awful assumptions of birthmothers. And normally the people that say things like that to me are the same ones that look at us with a strange look because we’re a “multi-racial” family, so I try to avoid them to begin with. The article just infuriated me anyway. I feel bad for this persons children whom they’ve adopted from China. Thankfully for them, their children won’t have any identity issues as they get older since they are asian instead of my biracial daughter! (Saying that sarcastically of course) They can defend themselves in anyway they want, but it was just their trying to act like they aren’t racist. We “selfishly” adopted our girls because we wanted children, and I was not going to sit on a waiting list for years to try and adopt a child that looked just like me, we wanted the child God had intended for us to adopt. I’m not saying that it will be perfectly easy for my children to have “white” parents, but I don’t think its as complex as people want to think. Or maybe I’m just not worried about that as much as some. I’m just supposed to love them, support them, help them in anyway I can. I’m definitely not supposed to avoid adopting them because somewhere in the future I may get hurt. Please! I’ve seen so many families be hurt by their own biological children — its called adolescence. I NEVER once would ever think my girls were unwanted by their birthmothers. We did meet one of our girls birthmothers, one didn’t want to meet us in person for some reason. And now we don’t have contact from them (we have written and sent pictures, but they haven’t responded), but right now that is their choice and I have to respect that. I really crave having that contact, I wish my girls had the kind of relationship like your daughter does with you. I’m really hoping that some day, that maybe they felt like they needed no contact, but will change their minds, we have written to them and expressed that we are open and wanting contact, whatever they want. I also have been asked several times if we do have contact and I will say no and more times than not the response is “Oh, that’s good” and I just don’t get that, how is it good that my children have no contact with their birthmother. We do have pictures, we do have “history, but its not the same. Anyway, off my soap box, thanks for writing this, I really appreciate your thoughts and your comment back to this person. I do hope that people realize that all adoptive parents aren’t horrible and just concerned about our so called rights or that we think we’ve done some great deed. I am truly blessed, I can’t imagine a day without my girls, which makes me think how their birthmothers must be feeling.

DeAnna’s last blog post..Eating dirty chocolate

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By: HeatherRainbow

HeatherRainbow — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 22:05:19 +0000

I just can’t wrap my brain around people who actually think and say these things. I’m saving a child who was unwanted. As if there was something wrong with the child or the parents. Which, is one in the same, since they are all connected.

NO, for sure, no child is unwanted. NEVER.

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By: Mary

Mary — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 12:26:54 +0000

Jenna,

As someone whose children (or at least two of my three) have come to my family through adoption I have to say that I hate this attitude. My children were very much loved. I know they were because I can feel it in how well taken care of they were. People will tell us how lucky our kids are and I immediately tell them that no we are the lucky ones. I will admit that I did adopt internationally because I feel the domestic system is wrought with problems. I don’t think it works well enough for either side. So, for us international was the way to go.

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By: Gretchen aka mamagigi

Gretchen aka mamagigi — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 04:36:18 +0000

I am as proud of you in your calm response to this absurdity as I am apalled that this kind of absurd thinking exists. I cannot fathom, simply CANNOT fathom, how someone can bring this to the table. It makes me so sad for the child they are raising. So, so sad. Sad for their child’s first parents. Just. So. Pathetically. Sad.

I just spent four hours tonight at my local adoption community group — from adoptees to birth parents to adoptive parents, we’re all members, we all learn and are enlightened every time we gather. I tend to leave these gatherings feeling good, feeling like people “get” it, that the respect and understanding is there — and then reading something like this just makes me want to hurl. It’s a sober reminder of why groups like mine exist. To educate, to support, to try to shed light.

Damn, there’s so much work to do.

Gretchen aka mamagigi’s last blog post..Pig On Her Head

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By: Nicole

Nicole — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 04:35:13 +0000

“And no. If the system really starts focusing SOLELY on adoptive parent rights, less mothers are going to place. Plain and freaking simple.”

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Food for thought. Maybe that’s the answer.

I think I’d be willing to push for MORE (pre)adoptive parent rights and absolutely no biological parent rights if it meant fewer women placing.

Nicole’s last blog post..New ?Fact?book available!

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