I’m not sure how to proceed with something that has been going on in my adoption life.
I was recently censored by my agency. I’m not going to give more details as I don’t want to involve other parties. But it comes down to the fact that they didn’t like what I wrote and hit me where they knew it would hurt. They chose unique timing as well.
You see, I had recently started working on the anger I still have for them with my therapist. Prior to the past few months, working on that anger wasn’t even a possibility. I wanted that anger. I didn’t want to let go. Letting go of it, in my mind, was excusing their blatant disregard for ethics. But, man, anger can eat away at your soul. I didn’t like who it was making me as a person. And so, I had started working on the process of letting go of the anger.
And then they step all over me again.
So, of course, I got angry again. I was shaking my fist. I was using big, nasty words. I was going to show them what to do with their big, unethical corporation. I figured it was a sign that letting go of my anger was the wrong thing to do.
And then I thought…
Well, maybe this is a test to see if I’m really willing to let go and let God. Ugh. I hate when God tests me. I’d really rather not be tested. And so, I’ve been mulling over my anger the past week. I’ve been trying to decide whether to let it go and let myself continue working towards healing or if I’m not ready to give up that part of my life yet. (Don’t tell me that I’m a bad Christian for having areas of my life that I still want to “control.” Point me out one person who doesn’t have issues like that and they can cast the first stone.)
I’m still at a standstill. I’m really hurt by everything that has happened. All of these years, I have only wanted one thing: an apology. They refused to offer an apology even after I filed a complaint with the Better Business Bureau. I’m not trying to have my daughter returned. I’m not asking for money. I just want someone to say, “I’m sorry. We didn’t act in an appropriate manner. We did wrong by you. We apologize for the grief and loss that our negligence caused you**.” That’s all I’ve wanted. And I’ll never get it.
And I can’t decide if that makes me angry. Or just sad.
** = Their negligence caused additional grief and loss. My own part in the relinquishment of my daughter caused grief and loss as well. I accept my part in the process. I just wish they would admit their part.
14 Responses to “Is This Proof of One Thing or a Test of Another?”
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no, no; it is universal, the question of how much to let go. you are certainly not the only (church) one to have that same questions to grapple with. don’t be ashamed of that.
you have much to complain about, if you wanted.
i hope that in the end you are able to become the kind of person that you will be proud of later on. i wish that for you as well as for me :)
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Upon reading about your situation, I feel both anger (indignation) and sadness. Anger for what agencies like these continue to do (including bullying and censoring), and sadness that they appear to see nothing unethical about such practices.
The Serenity Prayer comes to mind, and I wonder if, maybe, there is a way to both turn it over and work with the feelings of anger and sadness in a positive way (which I see in your blogging).
It sounds so simple and overused — the courage to change what I can (and change often begins with indignant anger), serenity to accept what I cannot (which does not mean endorsing what occured) … the wisdom to know the difference (that’s the hard part … but I think you have it.)
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T makes a point with that prayer — and not only by reciting it, but by plugging in the parentheticals specific to you. It makes me sad to think about this agency and all the crap (and I know that’s not doing it justice) they fed you. And their continued disregard.
But most of what I take from this post — other than feeling for you and hoping you find the path that works for you right now — is how you continue to look forward and work on parts of you. That sounds awkward, but I hope you know what I mean. Not enough of us do that.
Not enough of us look the scary and hardest parts of our life in the face and work on making personal progress, despite the pain. You “consider” so much and seemingly from every angle, and always with the goal of change, of progress.
I am in awe of you.
Gretchen aka mamagigi’s last blog post..Photo Op: Lemons Into Lemonade
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I’m sorry that happened. I hate bullies. :(
Theresa’s last blog post..AdoptionAgencyRatings.com
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I’m sorry you’re (once again) being kicked around by them. Like Gretchen, I’m impressed by your ability to keep working on yourself when it’s so totally obvious that it’s everybody else that needs more work! (That’s what I would say as I dug my heels in and let the anger consume me.)
Abby’s last blog post..Sally Kern, that?s Not OK
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that just sucks. i wish i was as far along as you in the mending process, even though i know full well we all go along at a different pace.
barb’s last blog post..an excuse to write
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I, too, struggle with the concept of “let go and let God.” I think most of us do.
I’m sorry this agency is causing you more pain.
I pray you’re able to find peace soon.
Overwhelmed With Joy!’s last blog post..Favorite Ingredients Friday (Easter Edition II)
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I don’t always agree that letting go of anger is the best possible course of action. Anger can be destructive, but it can also be a catalyst for action and change.
I guess the question is, would the anger serve you for action, or is it harming you?
By their actions, I sense (and this is only my opinion, of course) that you have hit this agency where they live, or they would not bother coming to attack you. That means something you’re saying is motivating fear, which tells me that you’re on a course for real change and action. The anger you’re feeling could be the strength you need to push forward and take them on.
However, if the anger hurts you, hurts your family, is causing you anxiety or is threatening to you, my first advice is always going to be: take care of yourself and your family first. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s all I got for now.
Finally…I’m sorry, Jenna. These kinds of things are terrible and unjust. ((((HUGS)))) to you, because you, of all people, deserve better.
Coco’s last blog post..Help Me Make a Difference For Babies
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Here, here. I was forced out of my job due to my choice of adoption. All I wanted was the same- an apology, some admission that I was mistreated. I was never able to get it.
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Scumbags!
Did they censure you in a public way or did the take legal action to censor you? Either way, it is an unethical misuse of of their resources.
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remember your post you did a few weeks ago “I will not be silenced”. remember that.
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You seem to be going through some similar things as Paragraphein.
Feelings are never wrong. Whether is is a catalyst for change, and sometimes when it appears to hurt us, feelings have a purpose, a place where they are coming from, and a destination.
I am sorry that your agency is censoring you. It is WRONG that they are doing so.
Whether you feel this is a challenge to find peace, or fuel for your anger, it will be right for you.
HeatherRainbow’s last blog post..Adoptee Rights Struggle – Texas 2008-2009
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Hi Jenna,
Let go and let God. Relax and be patient. It’s in God’s hands–
It seems that apologizing would put them in a vulnerable position. To admit they were negligent or acted inappropriately could leave them open to a law suit I think.
I’m not familiar with your relationship with your agency or how they are censoring, so I may misunderstand this.
As far as I go, letting go of anger gets to be done again and again and again. I let go and some new trigger appears to test me again. It’s a routine.
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I think this is my first comment! I’m delurking because I really want to tell you how amazing I find you and your blog. Your story, your faith, the way you love your family, your fight to make adoption ethical – I am beyond moved by you and inspired to fight alongside you. Thank you for being so honest and writing from your heart.
I hate that your “agency” is censoring you. That doesn’t seem legal in a country with “free speech,” does it? I’m saying a special prayer for peace for you. Thank you, again, for your blog:)
Sorry this is so random :)
Kat’s last blog post..The Nap Wars
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