It’s 2:30 in the morning. I’m awake. Writing. Any other writer in the world knows. Any other mother in the world knows. It’s not a good night.
I’m feeling nostalgic. Pent up. I need to get it out, say it out loud. But I don’t know what it is. I can’t find an appropriate song on my iTunes. I can’t find anyone to talk to. I can’t make myself go to bed. Or fold the laundry. Or read. Or catch up on blogs. I’m sitting. Unmoving. I can’t go forward and I sure as heck don’t want to go backwards.
I’m stuck.
I’ve been needing to reschedule an appointment with my therapist for… weeks now. I can’t do it. I don’t want to say the words that need to be said. I don’t want to discuss issues that need to be discussed. I’m tired of words like adoption and health and pregnancy and vasectomy and fertility and infertility and loss and grief and postpartum depression and anxiety and medication and relaxation techniques and loneliness and fear. I want to write happy words into my life and just have them “be.” I don’t want to work at them or try or put any effort into happiness or peace or ease. I just want them to appear.
Alas, just “dumping” this on my blog has given me a smidgen of peace. I feel some sleep creeping into the corner of my eyes. I’m sure one or both boys will be up in less than four hours. And tomorrow there will be a great price to pay. But sometimes you just need to stay up late and let the thoughts run their course… or sleep won’t be beneficial anyway. Sometimes I stay awake just to avoid the dreams.
Go to bed, Munchkin’sFirstMom. Go to bed.
13 Responses to “The Weight is Heavy”
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Hey, Jenna–sorry you’re having a rough time lately. I miss you. Go see your therapist when you’re ready. Be well. and hug those precious boys.
mama2roo’s last blog post..Its Over
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Oh girl. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s so tough to be in that dark place. But you know you’ll find your way out — we all do with the right help. Just lean on us. The women who have been through it know exactly how you’re feeling.
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There has been a serious case of insomnia creeping across our community recently…I know I’ve fallen victim to it. For me, there’s the desire to turn off the thoughts with sleep and the fear of what unconscious thoughts the sleep will bring…
Thanksgivingmom’s last blog post..I Need To Learn To Keep My Big Mouth Shut
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Jenna, I’m sorry you’re struggling. Hug your boys (all three of ‘em!) and somewhere in the midst of all the thoughts you’ve got going on, remember how much you are loved, cared for and respected.
I’ve read here in the past your counsel and advice to others to reach out and reach through the pain for help. Because that’s how you get to the other side. I hope you’ll soon feel ready to do the same for yourself.
In the meantime, just remember that there’s not a lot of people in this world who can say they are truly cared for by people who’ve never met them in real life.
But you? You can, and you are.
Gretchen
Gretchen aka mamagigi’s last blog post..Monday Morning Maeve: Cat?s Meow!
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I just wanted to tell you I can relate. I have post partum depression (for the third time) and some days I am just sick of it!
Tara R’s last blog post..Cowgirl Olivia
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Many of us have been there. It passes.
Until it does, talk it out. Talking helps.
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((Hugs)) I hope you feel better soon. I have thought about you often, especially while in China.
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Yes. I know. I hear ya.
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Call that therapist, girl! You will feel better! I’m sorry you are having a tough time-
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I hear you. You’re sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’ve been there with PP OCD. Take one small step today–anything–you already wrote about it–you can go from there. Wishing you the best in the hard time.
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hang in there! its hard, but worth it. i know some days its hard, but try looking for the little positives in your days. and its hard, but talk to someone. talking to someone helps so much! there’s more i’d love to say, but i’m sure you’ve heard it all and are sick of hearing it all! lol
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that insomnia is the WORST. i write to you as a fellow mom and as a therapist – to tell you to call your therapist, just go an sit and cry or stare if you have to – no need to say the words you don’t have the energy to say – getting there is more important than actually talking – you can gain some energy from just being there and then the strength to work on peace and happiness will follow. the therapist can and should nurture you – sending some positive energy your way via the universe….k
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I hope you got *some* sleep, I hope the next night was better. I hope for you more good, bright, happy days than slow, dark, sludgy ones. I hope you have some good nights of gentle, dreamless rest. And I hope you gradually have more good and less not-good as the days and weeks go by.
Been there. done it. probably about to go through it all again .
Make the call – it is NEVER a bad decision. You know it will make you feel better once you get there.
Breathe. It gets better.
And dumping is fine :) that’s what blogs are for right?
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