I’m singing in church the first Sunday in July. It’s been since Christmas Eve since I’ve used my voice in any real way. I haven’t even been singing with the choir as my attention, right now, is on taking care of LittleBrother. I feel out of practice and nervous.

I went through my current favorite Christian songs. I downloaded (legally!) a bunch of different tracks. And I got frustrated. The songs that I like tend to get a little, uhm, loud and I don’t really feel like blowing out any hearing aids. The other problem is that there are so few female vocalists, especially of the Christian variety, that have any “edge” or iota of interestingness that fit in my vocal range. Using a track from a male vocalists is difficult as heck. I fail at it. FAIL!

So, finally, I got aggravated, spent another $5.00 and downloaded the sheet music for the song I most wanted to sing from sheetmusicplus.com and called the pianist from my church. I didn’t even have to bribe. She’s happy to work with me and she will be in church that Sunday. Works well.

I’ve decided on Never Alone by Barlow Girl. When you watch it on YouTube, picture it without loud guitars, just piano. Gives it a more… raw… feel. No? More vulnerable? Exposed? That’s what I’m going for as that’s how I’ve been feeling as of late. The handful of songs that I was considering all played around with that theme. That vulnerability. That absolute nothingness without God. It’s where I am so it makes sense that it would speak to me.

I have a strong faith. I do. But it’s really been shaken lately. I’ve had my moments of anger with God, which I am assured that everyone deals with at various points in their lives. Right now, I’m really … working on it. But struggling at the same time. I know He is there… but dang if I don’t feel alone in all of this as of late. I don’t understand what is going on and why and it hurts. I feel broken. I feel so many things. And so, it makes sense that I resonate with this:

I cry out with no reply
And I can’t feel you by my side
So, I hold tight to what I know…
You’re here. And I’m never alone.

Perhaps it also speaks so much to me right now because of my belief that a mother’s love knows no ending, no bounds? Kind of like the Father’s? Oh parallels of my life! Anyway… I’m sure it also has something to do with the guitars in the real version. Aren’t they FANTASTICALLY ANGRY?! But the piano itself is beautiful. It’s kind of like me. A dichotomy of conflicting feelings. Hopeful and hopeless. (Also, it doesn’t hurt that the lead singer is a brunette. Heh. I can “see” myself in the video. If only I could rock a big electric guitar like that, perhaps I’d have a great creative outlet for this stuff.)

Anyway, I’ve got just about three weeks to practice. I’m meeting with my pianist a few times over the next few weeks to get it down. The verse is on the lower end of my register but… well, it feels good to sing low right now. Matches my mood.