I need a swaddling blanket. I’m not sleeping well as of late. And it’s not because of the boys. Being back at home (despite being away for my brother’s wedding this weekend), they’re sleeping normally again. But no. I’m waking. Frequently. Bad dreams. Thoughts. Memories. Grocery lists. I wake. And, because it figures, I can’t go back to sleep.

This is where I am regarding PPD right now. I’ve got my daytime anxiety basically in check, if you will. I have moments where the elephant on my chest won’t really move. But, nights are hard. I want to sleep. And stay asleep. And get rested up for the day.

What ranks as the worst night time internal drama is when the memories of relinquishment come back to haunt. I don’t even bother going back to sleep. I don’t think about those days when I’m in my busy, wakeful hours. But at night, they come to me, in vivid detail. Wallpaper on the walls. How the clock would make this noise in the minute before a new hour. That smell. While I’m glad that I can remember, right now I don’t need to remember. I need to focus on being healthy and complete… and remembering everything I have lost by placing my daughter for adoption makes me feel everything but complete.

Sleep. I miss it.