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What’s Your Reason

Every time I get to a place that somewhat resembles peace, someone will do or say something and my heart implodes. It’s not even usually someone specifically connected to our adoption. It’s usually someone random. Someone untouched by adoption as a whole. And their ignorance is usually what causes the implosion.

Tonight I went to Bible Study. Like every other Wednesday evening. And I got to hear very simplistic views, from white people, about racism. And then even more oversimplistic views about pregnancy, abortion and adoption. I normally love my Bible Study mates but I honestly just wrote the word “study” as “stupid.” Apparently my subconscious is trying to let itself out. I’m just really drained from tonights talks.

The thing that pushed me past my non-implosion point was a woman that I adore talking about a young teen who was pregnant (from a Christian family). Her parents wanted to “give up the baby for adoption,” (not my words) but the mother wanted to parent because “it was the only thing that was every truly hers.” Okay. I get the flawed and faulty logic there. I really, really do. Children should never be used as a bandaid for past pains. Children are not here to make our lives complete. It’s just not their job! I get all of that and I agree 100 percent.

But the implication was that teens were the only ones with this faulty logic and, as such, they should be separated from their children.

And so, I spoke. Really quickly, before I changed subjects abruptly. And I spoke the truth, of couse. Because I always do.

“Teens aren’t the only ones bringing children into the world for that reason.”

And it’s true. I see it way too frequently. Parents so desperate for a child. Parents so desperate for someone to love them back. Parents so desperate in general. And not just adoptive parents. I see some of my friends with biologically born children who are slowly awakening to the fact that children don’t solve emotional problems. Parenting is hard, hard work. Whether you’re a teen. Whether you’re of an age that the world deems appropriate for procreation. Whether you’re green or blue. Parenting is hard. But teens aren’t the only ones going into it for the wrong reasons. Teens aren’t the only ones who are warping their children because they’re too focused on themselves. Teens aren’t the only ones who are making poor choices with their lives. And I’m really getting tired of the finger pointing.

I often look back over my reasons for choosing to conceive both of the boys. I’ve been accused in the past of having my oldest son “too soon” after the Munchkin was placed. That I was using him as a replacement. These people, the accusers, don’t often know about my health issues. But while I can honestly say that neither boy was used as a replacement for the Munchkin, I often wonder if the health issues were a “right” enough reason to bring him into this world. There are no guarantees with my health, which is why, after much discussion with doctors and between myself and my husband, we are not having any more children. Another pregnancy could kill me. And even without one, things just aren’t awesome. All the same, did we do the right thing? Should we have brought more children into this world when one parent runs into burning buildings (and apparently rides a motorcycle) and the other has health problems which may or may not be shortening her life as she types aloud? Should we have neglected to have children? Should we, because of our issues, have placed both boys for adoption?

Obviously, I’m playing the Devil’s Advocate. A little bit. I do wonder that each time I sit in the nephrologist’s office. But I try not to dwell. Our children were meant to be here for some reason. Right now, I am 100% sure it is to make sure that I never have one solid night of sleep ever, ever, EVER again. But, well, I think it’s a little early to name their entire mission. Same with the Munchkin. She’s here and in my life for reasons I can’t begin to fathom.

And I am grateful that I have them all. Whatever the reason.