It’s Not Your Fault I’m Ignoring You

I’m finding it hard to read blogs by “new” birth mothers. Not “new” blogs by “old” birth mothers. But blogs written by mothers who have recently relinquished their children. And it’s not their fault. It’s totally, 100% my emotional issue.

It’s my absolute inability to step outside of my own healing right now. Selfish as that sounds, I don’t have the energy to help someone find their own path right now. I don’t know where that drive and that passion have gone to… but I simply don’t possess it right now. Even on various forums, I can’t bring myself to read through an entire post of an expectant mother considering relinquishment or a new birth mother describing her experience. Something in me just stops comprehending. There’s a mental block. Maybe it’s my brain’s way of reminding me that I need to be focusing on my own healing right and physically shutting me down so I don’t slip up and regress.

I don’t know.

What I do know is that I feel like a heel because I haven’t been replying to posts and questions and thoughtful pieces. And I wish that I could. Perhaps I will again someday. But right now, as I’ve finally started to see light at the end of this tunnel that has been a mish-mosh of postpartum depression and adoption grief and loss, I just don’t want to step back into the darkness. Right now, I don’t want to be forced to remember the bad things. I don’t want to dwell on the negative. I don’t want to read someone’s story and be angered and saddened by the fact that the adoption industry is still acting unethically.

I just want to breathe for awhile longer as I make my way out of this tunnel. I’m getting there, slowly.