I finally purchased Choice: True Stories of Birth, Contraception, Infertility, Adoption, Single Parenthood, & Abortion for myself. I had a $20.00 Amazon Gift Card and thought I would spend some of it on myself instead of all on the boys. You know, like I usually do. It arrived. And I’m just overwhelmed with the awesomeness of it already. Even though I’ve found two typos and I’m only on page 29. (Oh, the editor in me.)

A quote from the introduction regarding the hard look the book takes at the different choices women have to make regarding unplanned pregnancy (and how those stories aren’t always happy-go-lucky):

When an issue is as polarized as abortion, people on both sides see the world in black and white. In order to preserve these extremes, stories that reveal gray areas are kept secret. The woman who regrets placing he child for adoption suffers in silence, lest someone think she would have been better off aborting. The woman who undergoes a painful abortion keeps quiet, lest the complexities of her situation be construed as an argument against reproductive freedom. But when these stories are suppressed, so is our empathy. Instead of listening to each other’s stories and drawing lessons from each other’s lives, we are turning a deaf ear to human experience.

Oof, that hit home. Especially lately.

I received a series of forwards from Dawn in which she had an exchange with two other women. About me. (Don’t I feel famous now?) One woman was peeved about my Redbook piece and how it was too negative. (Which, by the way, I also received word from an anti-adoption follower that it was too positive in the end. Guess I can’t please anyone.) This particular woman took it so far as to contact Redbook and let them know that publishing a story so negative about adoption was doing the world a great disservice. Nevermind the fact that the article was part of a larger piece about the hardships of motherhood. They weren’t looking for a happy piece to add to that story; they wanted other mothers who felt ostracized by the celebration of Mother’s Day to know that they aren’t alone. Nevermind the fact that my piece wasn’t overly negative. Nevermind the fact that I admitted in the piece that I must keep continuing to move forward and heal for the sake of my daughter. Nevermind any of that. She just wanted me to shut my yapper. Or, stop my fingers from moving so swiftly across the keyboard as it were.

The other woman who wasn’t Dawn involved in the series of emails reminded the one who wanted me to shut up that we all have varying experiences. Apparently this woman who doesn’t like me or my story or my writings is a woman who wants to help those touched by adoption. So, the second woman reminded her that if someone like me came to this other woman with such a story, what good would turning someone like me away do? Just because my story isn’t butterflies and rainbows, I should be turned away from any help? Isn’t that kind of, or, rather, totally backward from what people should want to be doing? Shouldn’t we be reaching out to those who have stories with shadows and rainclouds? Shouldn’t we be listening to their stories and learning what we could do differently? Shouldn’t we be fighting against unethical agencies, greedy attorneys and ignorance in general? Or should we just put on our rose-tinted glasses, sip some lemonade and smile at one another without ever hearing, learning or truly feeling the depth of emotion involved in this topic?

You know my answer.

I wish I could speed read through this book. All the same, it will take me awhile. Our lives have gotten so busy with living life that reading (and writing, at this point) have taken a side seat. Not a backseat because I still value the presence of books and words in my daily life. But, oh, I’m just up to the tip of my nose in life right now. And it’s fall! Must go outside.

But I’ll take the book with me.

I saw a quote on twitter that made me think twice.

If you’re doing ANYthing at all that feels like *hard work* you’re doing the wrong thing.

-Roger Hamilton

I get the idea behind the quote. I do. But the generalities proposed by this quote make me laugh. Here’s the facts: life is hard work. Sure, it’s fun. Sure, it should also be full of love and laughter. But if you’re not putting in some hard work in various parts of your life, well, my guess is that you’re not amounting to a whole lot.

Parenting is hard work. It’s also very (super!) rewarding work. It’s not all hard and it’s not all easy. But it’s also not the easiest job on the planet as everyone knows. Building a career in any field, even the one that you were “destined” for is hard work. What makes me the most confused is that the quote came from the twitter of a fellow Christian. Here’s a newsflash: the Bible doesn’t promise Christians an easy life. In fact, we’re told that we will face persecution. Nothing about persecution seems like easy work to me.

And this, of course, is the attitude behind so many failed open adoptions (and other things that fail). People assume that everything should come easily. People assume that the moment thing seem tough, something is wrong and you should just throw up your hands and stop.

Wrong answer.

When stuff seems hard, it’s just because life is life. Communication problems crop up. Misunderstandings happen. Feelings are hurt. And sometimes it is hard to deal with grief, loss, emotions and sadness all at once. But you keep on. If every parent (birth, adoptive, biological, foster, step, etc) gave up every time they had a communication problem with their own child, well, you can see where that would lead us. I have communication problems with my almost-three-year-old. In fact, I made the sign for bath when I meant to make the sign for more the other day, and my ten month old got mad when we didn’t immediately get in the bath tub. Misunderstandings happen.

I don’t know where this idea of life should be easy came from but I can tell you that my mostly happy, very rewarding and semi-successful life has been full of hard work. Hard work, itself, is not a bad thing. Hard work is the result of an attitude that says the impossible IS possible and that no mountain is too high. I’m a determined individual and obstacles aren’t going to stop me. So don’t tell me that I’m on the wrong path just because something takes more than one try or tests my patience or generally is hard.

I would still be pregnant with my firstborn if I didn’t do anything that was hard because, boy howdy, childbirth is hard work. If everyone had that attitude, the human population would die off. (And don’t jump up and say, “C-SECTION! WOO!” Ask a mother who has endured the recovery of one and let her tell you if that was hard work or not.) I also would not have taken any of the advanced classes in high school or pushed myself to take a new fitness class. There are so many things that I would miss out on if I adopted this attitude.

And so I’ll just keep putting in hard work, okay?