I understand when Ultra-Right-Wing Conservatives don’t give a rip about the horror stories that birth mothers are living through on a day-to-day basis. I understand when they don’t want to hear about our plight, our hardship and our push for reform. I understand that they have a skewed view of what opening adoptees records will do to adoption. I understand that their one-sided view of the abortion topic totally renders their ability to look at adoption without rose-colored glasses impossible.
But I hate when so-called liberals tout adoption as the “easy answer.”
I was reading an extremely well-written post over at Momocrats. It’s a place that I’ve been feeling that I “belong” and “fit in” because my views have been expressed not only by posts but by comments from like-minded individuals. And then today happened. And I feel, once again, like no one on Earth is ever going to care about reforming adoption. I am frustrated. I am angry. And I am tired of being alone.
The very first comment on the thread made my head explode and my heart cry:
I also wonder why the immediate kneejerk solution is marriage to the father. I would think for those who are pro life and find themselves pregnant, an open adoption is an excellent option.
But that probably isn’t an option for someone who is in the public spotlight like this – not with the whole family values thing.
There are so many families all over the world who desperately want a baby but are unable to have one. In the US a lot of these families end up going overseas to adopt.
In my opinion, it is a great shame that adoption is not promoted more as an option for teenagers who find themselves to be pregnant.
First and foremost, “open” adoption is not a bandaid for the grief and loss experienced by birth mothers. It’s just not. You can dress it up all pretty with nice words. You can try to make it sound like a great solution. I’m sure that commenter doesn’t even know that open adoptions are not legally binding in all states, only causing a huge crisis in our country of birth mothers who have lived through the immediate horror of relinquishment and then forced to live through another severing of their lives with their child. It’s an epidemic as of late! But, hi, the NY Times hit on the reason that attitude bothered me just today in an article about Virtual Twinning and adoption:
“Adoption should be about finding families for children, not about finding children for families,” she said. “In many cases parents are doing this without understanding what the ramifications are. I think it’s fine to do it if people are well aware that doing it may be very difficult.”
But even my own like-minded people don’t view adoption in that way. It’s about giving babies to families who want them. Bristol’s child is not unwanted, folks. Unexpected? Totally. Unplanned? Yes. Scaring Mom and Grandma out of their minds? 100% sure that’s the case. But I’m pretty darn sure that baby is very much wanted at this point. How am I pretty darn sure? Seek out blogs by other birth mothers and find me one who says, “Nah, I didn’t want my kid so I gave him up.” You’ll be hard pressed to find one. (For reference: I’m not talking of children who were removed from abusive homes.)
I don’t even want to talk about “promoting” adoption to teens. The ethical implications of “birth parent” “marketing” really make me ill. Until you have been solicited by an agency on a Social Media site, don’t talk to me about “birth parent” “marketing” and promoting adoption to our “teens.”
The comment above made me cry, folks. Sometimes I feel like all the work I do is in vain. Is no one hearing me? Is no one listening? Or do they simply just not care? Will adoption always be touted as the “answer” to the “abortion problem” or is anyone going to stand up and do something? Am I always going to be ostracized by political candidates who don’t understand or even know about the issues that I face? Neither Obama nor McCain care about adoptees rights or ethical counseling for expectant parents considering relinqiushment or how adoptive parents can close an open adoption without reason or recourse for the birth family. No one cares!
And it’s getting really tiring to realize, over and over, that no one in power gives a flying Fig Newton about the experience you have lived or the changes you wish to make. It’s getting really, really hard to continue to have faith in hope and change at all, no matter who is elected. I want my daughter to have access to her birth certificate. I want future birt mothers and birth fathers to be treated with respect. I want future adoptive parents to be counseled on the true trials in open adoptions. I want unethical adoption agencies to be held accountable. I want someone to stand up and say, “SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE ABOUT THIS!”
But no one cares. Not even people I identify with. Ostracized for another election. When will it end?
(Of note: I do not vote single issue for candidates. If I did, I wouldn’t ever have anyone to vote for. I will still be voting for who I believe is the lesser of the two evils when it comes to this topic and many, many others. But I’m just tired of being ignored.)
Firemom, I am listening. You have educated me on issues I (sadly) knew nothing about.
and you know what? Because of you, I have been able to enlighten others. My husband said this morning that he was impressed that McCain had adopted a baby. I referred to info I learned from YOU as to why that is not really something to be impressed with.
So we are out here listening…and learning…and caring. :)
[Reply]
I can’t really weigh in on the subject, but I hear you and I wish I could give you a hug right now.
Keep yelling from the roof tops and eventually more people will hear you. Don’t give up.
[Reply]
I hope it gives you some comfort to know that you’re doing more than your part to try to ensure that your views — and the views of so many other women and men — won’t STAY ignored.
I’d say Obama is a pretty good argument that teen moms can do a great job raising their own babies.
[Reply]
I found it interesting that the person who wrote that comment doesn’t even have kids. She might be a first/birthmom, she doesn’t say in her blog, but it does mention that she and her partner have no children. It always seems to be people who aren’t actually involved in an open adoption who claim it’s such an easy solution.
I honestly think that people feel that way because they don’t have to deal with adoption from any angle on a daily basis. Once they know someone who does, they see things a little differently – or maybe I will it to be that way, I don’t know.
I think you know how I feel about McCain’t, and that he and his wife adopted for the wrong reasons. Just for that alone, he won’t get it.
Sorry about raving like a loon in your comments… *hugs*
[Reply]
Don’t give up.
[Reply]
People are hearing you. Keep yelling, because they are hearing you.
[Reply]
I never had an inkling of all the issues involved until I heard your voice, your take on things, your story. There is value in your words and the lives of those affected by the changes that need to be made. I wish I knew the way to garner more attention for these issues. *hugs*
[Reply]
Aw sweetie – please don’t give up. Your calm, articulate, graceful voice is sorely needed.
[Reply]
We all need to keep on fighting for all of things that you have mentioned. We need to have things changed.
[Reply]
I used to think that adoption was win-win-win.
I used to think that first moms placed and then “moved on” with their lives without angst or grief. (Oh, and that adoptees never worried/cared about their first parents either, if their adoptive parents were “good enough”!)
Then I got an education in what adoption is REALLY like for REAL people. The politicians aren’t listening, yet, but there are other people out here who are.
[Reply]
I care very much. Sharing your frustrations on every level. Evil can parade around in many faces. If evil oversteps and is exposed then it must change its face. Adoption has worn many masks over the years. Reform is just another excuse to change the mask. The bottomline is that as long as there is a market for newborn babies, “they” will find the “product”. It’s about money.
[Reply]
This is exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. I feel like things need to change so badly, but I have absolutely no idea where or how to start.
[Reply]
Keep up the good work. I agree no one will get it who is not directly involved in the adoption mess.
Only with proper access to realistic sex education can we stop the mess at the beginning.
Sex education as follows: Absitnence is the only sure way to not get pregnant or contract an STD. But if you decide to have sex here is what you need to know to protect yourself and your partner.
Unplanned pregancy will still happen but I daresay the rates will go down as they have in other countries. No prenancy means no abortion and no adoption.
I am a mother who lost her child 30+ years ago. We are blissfully reunited. I am one of the lucky ones.
[Reply]
i, too, was horrified and dismayed the comment on the Momocrats site. The commenter clearly hasn’t directly or indirectly experienced the pain of relinquishment or prefers not to know about it because it would interfere with her feeling good about what she wants. My guess is that she is either an adoptive parent, a prospective adoptive parent, close to someone who is or has no experience with adoption at all.
Try not to get discouraged. When I look at how the process of relinquishment has changed in Michigan over the last 40 years, I am encouraged. Women in crisis pregnancy are not allowed to relinquish not without having been offered resources and options. These changes have occurred because of activists like you. The only real comfort i feel in my whole experience of adoption is the changes that have occurred. Just my two cents.
[Reply]
oh sweetie. i just happened upon your blog, surfing the net, and am so GRATEFUL. as a fellow birthmom (my son was born in 1976), i’m so amazed/ impressed/ proud of you — for every single word, for being brave enough to shout from the rooftops that all these things you’re writing about matter, are important, and should NOT be off the table of public discourse. all i can tell you is God bless you, keep up the good work. you’ve made one older woman’s day — and gained a faithful reader.
[Reply]
You *aren’t* alone in those views…but there are too loud voices pushing too hard in other directions, yes. But you are not alone: your voice is clear and strong.
[Reply]