Silence and Friends
Posted: October 13, 2008 at 1:37 pmI’m not particularly awesome at making friends. I tend to be quiet when I first meet people and give strangers no real reason to want to ask me questions or get to know me better. Perhaps that is my defense mechanism. I don’t want people to ask me questions. I don’t want to have to explain myself. I’m tired of explaining myself.
All the same, over the past year, thanks to my youngest son, I have found myself a new and small group of friends. Three other women/mothers and I all have coffee one morning a week. We talk about our kids, our husbands, politics, stupid people, stupid people in politics, good deals in the area, bad deals in the area, house hunting, ranting, raving and the things that, you know, friends talk about. Shocking, I know.
One of these friends knew about the Munchkin from the very beginning because I met her at the hospital when my youngest son was born. Having access to my medical records in an official meeting type situation, she asked about my first. I explained. And that was that.
The second friend in the group recently found out when googling me after I let it slip that I was an internet celebrity. (Well, I am!) She hadn’t know, previosuly, that I was a freelance writer and she went home from that evening out to look up my Redbook article. I emailed the other friend and let her know that she’d probably get a phone call that evening. She did. But, again, all is well.
But no one has told the third friend. And I can’t find a way to work it into conversation. And I feel lousy for “keeping a secret” from someone that I am supposed to be friend with. And it is creating all kinds of ridiculous anxiety. So much so that I dread going for coffee each week now. Not because of them. They’re such great women! And their kids are adorable! And we really have a great time. But I’m always on edge. Is someone going to mention the Munchkin and the third friend is going to be confused and then feel left out for not knowing? I hate when others’ feelings are hurt because of something I did or did not do.
And so, I sit. Silent. Wondering if it would have been better to have stayed in my shell. Knowing that line of thought is wrong. But still unable to put a voice to who I really am.
Someday I won’t be plagued with all this guilt and anxiety and general self-worthlessness. Right?
The Discussion
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Can you ask one of the other friends if they have said anything to her about it? Cuz she may already know from them.
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She does not. Already asked.
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This post makes me think about things some of my gay friends say about coming out — that it is not a one-time event. It is something they have to do over and over.
I don’t know if that parallel is helpful to you, but it occurs to me.
What about bringing pictures of Munchkin? It would feel most natural (I am supposing) if they were new photos. It would be a way of getting the conversation started.
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I know it isn’t the same thing, and please forgive me for making a comparison, but as an A-Mom, I feel the same way…like there is an elephant in the room with other Moms. Big Boy’s Pre-K Moms don’t know. Some have new babies and for some reason it seems that Moms really like to talk about their pregnancies and births…or at least these Moms do. They are all so nice. And I really am digging them and their kids. But. They don’t know. And I’m afraid to say? Hmmmm…not sure afraid…just don’t know HOW to say it. *Sigh* {{{Hugs}}} cuz I can relate.
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I can’t pretend to understand your particular situation, but I can tell you that I spent YEARS keeping a secret from a lot of people, and I know exactly how that anxiety feels every single time you meet and the conversation turns toward something that might make you start to feel uncomfortable. And I can also tell you that one of the best feelings in the world is unburdening yourself of that feeling. Like yours, the “secret” I was keeping wasn’t anything terrible or anything to be ashamed of; it just seemed like I had waited too long to say it, and then I didn’t know how. Just take a deep breath and do it. *hug*
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It’s too bad that you are forced into the position of feeling like it’s secret. When the time is right, you’ll tell and it’ll be fine. Sometimes things seem worse than they are.
I just found your blog and I find your story fascinating. I have never thought much about adoption until I wrote a blog post on Allison Quets recently. There is definitely a dark side to the adoption industry that most of us are never aware of.
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