More Gender Gift Thoughts with Adoption Issues Thrown In
Posted: October 24, 2008 at 5:22 pmI’ve received some really thoughtful comments to my previous post lamenting birthday (and Christmas) present ideas for the Munchkin. Though, I’ve got to be honest. One rubbed me the wrong way. It was unintentional but, well, it did.
Not to minimize your feelings, but, I have an 8 year old. She lives under my roof. I see her everyday and I STILL don’t have a clue what to get her for Christmas.
Well, it did minimize my feelings.
I think perhaps this would be less of an issue if I was parenting a girl. Maybe then I would understand, to some extent, the inner-workings of a girl brain. I would already be familiar with the current offerings for books, clothes and toys for girls and wouldn’t feel so intensely overwhelmed when opening an online store’s page or walking down the aisle of a girl’s section.
But I’m raising boys. And while many of their first year toys were gender neutral and while they have kitchen set and some other “supposedly” girl-labeled toys, I don’t ever walk down the aisles lined with pink boxes. I don’t set out my birthday shopping for them and think, “What opposite-gender toy should I buy for my sons to broaden their horizons.” My oldest likes fire trucks and vehicles and dinosaurs. (Of note: I also loved dinosaurs when I was younger.) My youngest, being not quite one, loves all things ball. Maybe we have perpetuated those likes because they are boys.
Or would the Munchkin like similar things if she was raised under our roof? My Husband is professional firefighter. We go to the fire station to let the boys play in the evening at least once a week if not more. If the Munchkin was raised in that environment, would she love fire trucks as much as my son(s)? (She already does love fire trucks, by the way, and called me on the day they visited the fire house.) I know, I know. Everyone is going to quote studies about how girls gravitate to girl toys and boys gravitate to boy toys and so on and so forth. But these are simply questions the the relinquishment brings up. How different is she because we don’t have that main influence on her life. (Of note for those who just balked at the word different: her likes as they are right now are super fine. She loves dance. I danced for 19 years. So don’t read into what I’m saying as so many often do.)
This whole thing leaves me feeling very overwhelmed. It brings up other issues that gift buying and giving really shouldn’t. I will be asking her mom, on the advice of someone else, for something she needs dance-class wise. A leotard. A dance bag. Something of that nature. That, as I asided about in the previous paragraph, is something I can relate to and something I probably would have helped her persue if she was raised in our home.
But it’s just so difficult. Switching from all boy mindset to girly thoughts. I’m not the most feminine of females. Despite having danced for 19 years, I also played softball for 11 and prefer football to, well, just about anything. Maybe raising her would have taught me to be a bit more feminine. I don’t know. It all gets jumbled and I begin to doubt myself and my parenting and my presence and everything all at once… when all I want to do is buy her a present that she will like. Why does doing that have to become some great big philosophical adventure in which I am forced to consider the real meaning of life?
Why can’t it just be about buying a present that she likes? Will it ever be that easy?
The Discussion
see what everyone is saying
“Well, it did minimize my feelings.”
Oh EEK! That was me. I so enjoy your perspective, it is NEVER ever my intention to be hurtful. That’s not my nature, but also, I cannot fully understand the pain of relinquishment, so I am sorry if I was hurtful.
*sigh, tiptoeing out on a limb here* I guess what I was trying to say is that from my perspective, you are over thinking this. She is 5, her likes, dislikes and interests literally change by the day (no doubt you see that in the children you parent as well).
It strikes me that every gift you purchase for her challenges you. Kids love presents of all kinds. I think it is important to teach our kids to appreciate the giver’s intention when sending a gift as well as what the gift is.
Perhaps a change of perspective would help. Perhaps, occasionally, you could give yourself permission to purchase something for her that you would have liked at that age or that you would like her to have. When you send it, send a note explaining a) why you it is important to you (maybe you have a photo of you with a similar present) and b) why you though she would like it.
Give her a chance to learn about you, your history and your likes and dislikes. Just my thoughts.
!!!! CRASH !!!!! Limb falls to ground. Hope I didn’t go to far :)
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You know may be you try to think “girlwise” and to much with your mind but may be you should ask her with your heart.. And listen to what she says..
Me and my husband lived so far apart for a while it really thought me to use telepathy ..
And I even have telepathy with my friends she is your daughter I think you can reach to her.
She is a Sigittarious by the way.. And Sigittarious love adventure and sports , discovering new ideas. I am a Sigitarious as well and I remember playing with trains and swords..
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My son was invited to a birthday party this past weekend. When I called to RSVP, I asked what Dylan was into. I was wondering if Dylan was more of a Spiderman kid or maybe a Lego or Cars kid.
Imagine my shock when mom said “Oh Dylan likes Barbies and Little Ponies.” Oh, shame on me Dylan is a little GIRL about to turn five. Well, that’s easy then. I get my standard 5-7 year old girl birthday gift. http://www.amazon.com/Fabulous-Book-Paper-Dolls-Klutz/dp/1570546312/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225720088&sr=8-4
As I waited in line at Target, it occurred to me that I should share this with you. The dolls are multi-racial and the clothes are WAY cool. They come with little sticky circles that attached the clothes to the bodies and my daughter LOVED them.
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