2008 October » The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

Birthday Time Rolling In

Adoption, in General, Birthdays, Loss 14 Responses »

Oct 212008

Followed shortly behind by Christmas.

And, once again, I have no idea what to get my daughter.

I hate this helpless, clueless feeling. Shouldn’t I know more about what she likes? And I have the advantage! I do know things that she likes. But as I walk down aisles, or, more realistically, click through the internet, I am both overwhelmed and uninspired by the choices available. Would she like what I think she would like? Will she think it is stupid and, therefore by association, think I am stupid? Will I ever choose the right thing?

All of this self-doubt tied into the process of gift-giving gives me a headache. And ticks me off. I love to give gifts! I delight in searching for the right present. And watching their eyes light up when I’ve hit the jackpot. And maybe that’s the problem. I know, again, that I won’t be seeing her eyes light up when she opens these presents. And while I still hope her eyes light up, it hurts. Having that taken away from me, that visual confirmation of receipt of gift, well, in a word, sucks. It’s one of my least favorite parts of adoption, I do think.

I should feel grateful, of course, that I even get to send my daughter gifts. I’m sure people are reading these words and shrugging them off. But still. I know you know that look in your child’s eyes. I know you’ve seen the glee on their face and felt proud that you put it there, that you were involved in that process.

I just miss it.

Anyway, I’m still clueless. If you were a five year old girl who was the most awesome five year old girl in the world, what would you want for your birthday?

Silence and Friends

Adoption, in General, Anxiety 6 Responses »

Oct 132008

I’m not particularly awesome at making friends. I tend to be quiet when I first meet people and give strangers no real reason to want to ask me questions or get to know me better. Perhaps that is my defense mechanism. I don’t want people to ask me questions. I don’t want to have to explain myself. I’m tired of explaining myself.

All the same, over the past year, thanks to my youngest son, I have found myself a new and small group of friends. Three other women/mothers and I all have coffee one morning a week. We talk about our kids, our husbands, politics, stupid people, stupid people in politics, good deals in the area, bad deals in the area, house hunting, ranting, raving and the things that, you know, friends talk about. Shocking, I know.

One of these friends knew about the Munchkin from the very beginning because I met her at the hospital when my youngest son was born. Having access to my medical records in an official meeting type situation, she asked about my first. I explained. And that was that.

The second friend in the group recently found out when googling me after I let it slip that I was an internet celebrity. (Well, I am!) She hadn’t know, previosuly, that I was a freelance writer and she went home from that evening out to look up my Redbook article. I emailed the other friend and let her know that she’d probably get a phone call that evening. She did. But, again, all is well.

But no one has told the third friend. And I can’t find a way to work it into conversation. And I feel lousy for “keeping a secret” from someone that I am supposed to be friend with. And it is creating all kinds of ridiculous anxiety. So much so that I dread going for coffee each week now. Not because of them. They’re such great women! And their kids are adorable! And we really have a great time. But I’m always on edge. Is someone going to mention the Munchkin and the third friend is going to be confused and then feel left out for not knowing? I hate when others’ feelings are hurt because of something I did or did not do.

And so, I sit. Silent. Wondering if it would have been better to have stayed in my shell. Knowing that line of thought is wrong. But still unable to put a voice to who I really am.

Someday I won’t be plagued with all this guilt and anxiety and general self-worthlessness. Right?

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