Right Decision or Not, I Sing

I’m singing on the Munchkin’s birthday this year. A few months back I auditioned for and made the local singing group. MyTown Singers, called The Singers for short, has been a blast for me. I haven’t really made a lot of friends as I’m quiet in such a large group situation but I’ve been friendly with new people which is a huge step for me. As per usual, I’m one of the younger ones in the group as I tend to do “old people things” but, alas, I enjoy being a breath of fresh air. Or something.

The concert, of course, is on the Munchkin’s birthday. (And the day following.) When I first saw that, I figured it would be a good thing. It would keep my mind busy and my body as well. I would have less time to think and dwell. I’ve always tried to be busy on birthdays that I could not physically be with my daughter.

But I’m starting to second guess myself. You know, as is my nature.

We’re singing a song. It was written by Matthew West and performed by Mandisa. And it’s called “Christmas Makes Me Cry.” While I didn’t get the solo in the song (because who gives the solo to the new girl?), I still can’t manage to listen or get through it without being overcome by emotion.

Maybe it’s because the song talks about loved ones lost and I’m still processing the first-ever loss of a grandparent just this past September. Maybe it’s because it talks of “soldiers across the sea” and I think of my friend’s brother who died in 2006. Maybe it is because the Virgin Birth does get to me. Maybe it’s because I do love Christmas so much.

And maybe it is because the song is attached to grief. And at this time of year, no matter how much healing I’ve done throughout the year, my grief is much more poignant, more present the deeper I get into the season. By the time her birthday actually rolls around, I’m deep in memories and loss. I haven’t found a way not to be just yet. And perhaps I don’t want “not” to be deep in those memories. I want to remember her.

And so, I’m not sure if choosing to sing was the right decision. It’s going to be difficult. Something tells me that my performing self will take over and I won’t think too much at all while on stage except where my next spot to stand will be and what the words are to the next line. Until the last song is sung. And we take our bows. And I go to meet my family…

…and she’s not standing there.