Birthdays & Individuality

Today my youngest is turning one. As he is down for a nap, I am feeling very reflective, nostalgic and generally overwhelmed with emotion. I don’t know exactly how to word any of what I am feeling, mainly because one emotion contradicts another which contradicts another. I am living in some strange suspension of emotion where nothing is connected to everything is connected back to nothing again. Over and over.

The constant cycling of emotions and memories and feelings and general nostalgia is somewhat draining. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. Is it ever right to think of someone else on your child’s birthday? If so, how much is too much? If it’s never okay, am I being selfish by singing in my concert on the Munchkin’s upcoming birthday and, as such, thinking of myself and/or the music? Should I be fully concentrated on each child on each of their birthdays, thinking of them and not the other?

Is it even motherly possible to emotionally remove one from the other?

I mean, sure, they’re all unique children. The Munchkin is the amazing, intelligent girl with hair, complexion and personality to die for. My oldest boy is a stubborn, smart, whirlwind of love and movement who will hug you and wow you all in the same breath. My youngest boy is a quieter, faster version of the other two with a glint in his eye that charms and worries me. Each of them would be their own unique selves without the presence of the other but, I wonder, how much has the existence of the other, in our home or not, attributed to how they have become who they are?

Maybe less so with the Munchkin as she hasn’t had the constant presence of the other two and has yet to meet her youngest brother. But how has her existence and my knowledge and processing of that existence affected how I have parented both of my sons? How has talking about her changed their perceptions (moreso my older boy at this point) of what family is and is not? How has my grief and, flipped, my joy, changed how I have interacted with all of them, separately and together?

If we remove any one of them from the equation, would another be the same?

I don’t know the answers. I do know, maybe moreso today and this season than at any other time of the year, that I am a blessed mother. My children, one currently playing, one currently napping and one currently doing something I don’t know about, are all healthy and happy. My children are all being loved, unconditionally, for who they are. My children are all being encouraged to be the best that they can and to find true happiness.

And, in the end, isn’t that what we should all want for our children?

In short, though I’m feeling emotional and confused about what I should be feeling, I am keenly aware of the blessing I have in my life at this point in time. I am so thankful for each of these children even if thinking about the other two takes some spotlight off of the youngest on his birthday. I’ll make up for it in hugs (and cake!) later.

Su