I went on a day shopping trip with a few of my friends last week. It was a great day. We had Starbucks. We played with toys. We had a great lunch. We all had a few stores that were “must hit” on our trip. For one of my friends, the mother of four girls, Limited Too was one of her “must hits” because they were having their buy one get one free on everything (except DS and what not). She was getting Lip Smackers and other stocking stuffers for her four girls.
And so, I walked around, taking in the sights. I had never been in the store before; it didn’t exist back in my day and I don’t parent girls.
First of all, and I’m aware that this store is not representative clothing wise of other choices for small females, but most of the clothes didn’t toot my horn. In fact, what is this sudden return to 80′s styles? They didn’t look good on me in the 80′s and they don’t look good on little girls now. But a few pieces caught my eye. And then some accessories, like scarves and hats and the like caught my eye.
And then I had to walk out of the store and wait in the hallway for my friends, both of whom parent girls, though one has one boy and two girls.
My eyes got all watery. I felt caulstrophobic. I felt very overwhelmed. I felt trapped. I felt horribly guilty both for placing my only daughter AND for feeling guilty about placing my only daughter. That strange duality is one I live with every day. I don’t always know how to process it but I can usually put it on a back burner and deal with it at another time. In the store with all of the girl things, however, I was forced to deal with it immediately. And by dealing I do mean hightailing it out of the store.
I didn’t share that with either of my friends, both of whom know about my daughter and her placement. I didn’t want to bum everyone out. I didn’t want to be uninvited from future trips. I just wanted to have a good time with my baby boy strapped to my chest.
Reality doesn’t take a holiday.
That said, I’m mailing off her birthday package today. Books, a craft and an outfit that I hope fits her by spring but might not… as she’s so tall and I didn’t think about it until I got home. I fail.
hugs to you jenna. as i always say, i understand from my own view (particularly with surrendering a daughter and raising two sons)
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thats the way it happens sometimes, just when you think you’re alright you get blind-sided by emotions.
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You do not fail! Whether the outfit still fits or not come spring you absolutely do not fail. Children’s grown spurts are unpredictable and even if you were parenting her there is no way you’d know for sure that an outfit for a future season would fit by the time that season rolls around. If you’d bought it in a bigger size there is a chance it would be too big if she doesn’t grow by spring.
And btw just getting a package in the mail to arrive on time is a major accomplishment in my book, I tend to procrastinate.
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Oh Jenna, my friend. How difficult that must be for you. I’m just so sorry and wish I could *hug* the hurt away, although I know I can’t and nothing can.
Just hugs and prayers, sweet mom to Munchkin, hugs and prayers.
(you do right by her much more than you know)
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I’ve been following your blog for a few months. I generally don’t feel that it is my place as a prospective adoptive parent to comment on your posts but I wanted to say that my impression of you and your love for Munchkin is so far from failure. You have such a kind, open heart. Thanks for so honestly sharing where you’re at in this blog.
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I understand how you feel. I placed my first child,which was a girl. Now I am the parent to two boys. I often wonder what it is like to raise a girl. I wonder if I would have a little less pain if I experienced being a Mom to a girl too.
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