Birthday Week Blues
Posted: December 8, 2008 at 2:49 pmI wrote the following in my personal journal last night as I was overcome with emotion while listening to music. While writing it last night, I found it too emotional, raw and, perhaps, whiny to share here. Reading over it this morning I feel that sharing it here would be appropriate.
Like every year at this time, I am feeling deep and introspective. I find myself listening to piano pieces of Dave Matthews Band to avoid the words but dwelling on the words all the same. I find myself in tears over things like spilled milk. It’s horribly embarrassing but, thankfully, no one has been around to see the spiral toward such silliness. Except for the boys and they’re too busy crawling all over each other to notice that my head is somewhere else entirely.
It’s very typical, isn’t it? The week leading up to Munchkin’s birthday always leaves me in this state. As I write this, the whole typical situation leaves me feeling angry. Not at anyone other than myself. I have done so much work this year, as one of my friends so kindly mentioned in an email to me last week. I have done so much healing. I have practiced the art of forgiveness, not just with others but finally with myself. I have allowed myself to grieve but I have not found myself caught up in an impossible cycle of grief. I have found joy even in her absence. I have pushed myself to focus on the positives, the love and the joy.
And here I sit, in tears.
I wonder, then, if this week will be like this for all eternity. If all of the healing work I do with each passing year will be made null and void for one week while the other fifty-one will be spent with the focus placed in the right area. Is it meant to be this way? Am I meant to spend this week reflecting? Am I meant to spent the week leading up to her birthday immersed in her being? I don’t see why not, as I type that sentence. I spend the week leading up to each boy’s birthday nostalgic and reflective over who they have each become during that year. But there is no grief, there is no loss attached to their birthdays. They were always mine. They will always be mine. It’s not so when it comes to my beautiful daughter and, as such, the birthday week is such a mix of emotion.
Will it always be? I do not know. Will I be able to someday celebrate her without recognizing everything I have lost? God, I hope so. I have never seen a more beautiful little girl. I have never met a girl as amazing as she will always be to me. I hope that someday, somehow, I am able to rejoice in her being without tripping over my own emotional faults.
But this is not the year.
I also posted on the forums this year asking if the birthday week will always be hard. As usual, everyone has their own unique experience but, at the same time, kind words for this difficult emotional time as did those with whom I shared this entry last night. It is comforting to realize that I have the support of so many people not only when I am happy but when I need it, perhaps, the most.
This morning? I am feeling a little better. Last night’s emotional purge was difficult to get through, to properly form into coherent thoughts, words and then sentences. I had a good cry over the piano music, singing the words silently in my head. It took me awhile to fall asleep as my head was full of thoughts and memories and dreams and wishes. But when I fell asleep it was the deep sleep of someone who is well on her way to achieving peace and not the previous haunted sleep of years past. That, in itself, was proof to me this morning of the progress I have made.
Even now, a few hours after waking, I am feeling somewhat refreshed. I’m still aware of what this week is and the emotional pull it has on my life. But I’m going to call the local bakery today or tomorrow and order five cupcakes for Saturday. I’ve never baked her a cake. I’ve never ordered a cake. But it needs to be done this year. I need to celebrate her birth, her life.
I need to celebrate her.
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Yes. A very moving post. Thank you for sharing it.
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Wow, I’m in tears.
Your daughter is beautiful, you are beautiful.
I have no words that wouldn’t sound like empty platitudes. I just hope you know how very much you are loved, by so many people, myself included, and most importantly by God — you and your daughter. God is with you every step of this ardous journey even when it feels that you’re at your lonliest.
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
I know it’s easier said than done, believe me, I know.
I care so very much. I love you, my friend.
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[...] is good. It’s a hard week for me on an emotional level, but I cannot deny that my life is good. (That said, I won’t deny that I’m emotional [...]
Sending you a hug.
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Jenna, you read my personal journal, so you know that I face these same issues every year the week of Kaylee’s birthday. Even though adoption doesn’t seem to ‘bother me’ on a daily level because I do have such peace about it, her birthday always kicks me in the rear.
And yes, you do need to celebrate her, whether it’s through tears or smiles, or both, celebrate her. Sending you hugs and prayers *hugs*
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As an adopted person, I so appreciate you. And I am thankful for your sharing your thoughts. I am 26, was adopted at birth, never thought I would meet my birthmother or any of my blood relatives ever, but somehow did this last year when I was 25. Overall, it was a positive experience I believe for all those involved although it was hardest on my adoptive mom, for which I am truly hopeful she will find ways to process this and know that I love her more than anything no matter what. It has been almost 9 mo.’s since the meeting and I still am not sure how to process the craziness of it all. The whole story just blows my mind, and I know there are so many stories out there, each unique and none without complications. However, I just REALLY, REALLY wanted to tell you that I have always felt nothing but respect and gratitude for the woman who brought me into this world. Her background was broken and she chose to give me the whole future to thrive. I can’t express to her enough how much I admire what she did and that though I know it was possibly one of the hardest choices she had to make and things she ever had to do, SHE FISHED HER WISH! I had a great life and I owe a lot of that to her strength and caring. Even if she is too stubborn or hurt to admit that she was so unselfish and loving in her decision. We keep in touch and I have had the blessing to get to know most all of her side of my birthfamily and they are WONDERFUL. It is unbelievably an ideal situation just about. I haven’t met my birthfather yet, but I believe I someday will. Either way, I am so much more fulfilled getting to tell her that I appreciate what she did fully and have never resented her for it. I hope she is learning to forgive herself, just like I hope you will.
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