2008 December » The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

Made My Day

Adoption, in General, Videos Comments Off

Dec 192008

Yesterday evening, I logged on and found that Munchkin’s Mom was also online. After a quick exchange of proper hellos, she announced, “I have more videos!” This, of course, made me smile in itself. She’s been sending me videos pretty regularly for a few weeks now. I love each one.

It’s always a surprise to see what the videos are as she doesn’t preface them before sending. It’s like a surprise on my screen each time!

Last night? She sent me video of the Munchkin in her first Christmas pageant. She was a goat. An absolutely adorable goat, if I must be pressed for some detail. While you could argue that she would have been the cutest angel up there if she had been an angel, her Mom explained that the goat had a longer line than the angels did. The teacher/leader gave the Munchkin the longest line because she thought she would handle it best. As she was saying her memorized line, I was amazed at how she said it without fault! Her Mom then told me that she learned her long line on the very first day.

My heart filled with a whole lot of pride. Which then make me step back and ask myself if that was an okay reaction. I mean, I obviously had no part in helping her learn that line, learn the songs or be socially aware enough to stand on stage and not freak out (like I did for my first performance). Her Mom is doing a great job at that day-to-day stuff. So, did I have a right to be proud of how well she did?

Well, yes, you’re darn right I had a right! She did an amazing job! And was stinkin’ adorable while doing it! I was proud of everything she has accomplished. She’s amazing. She really, really is. I’m not taking responsibility for her awesomeness, I’m just proud of it.

And that feels good.

Singing on Her Birthday, Expanded Upon

Adoption, in General, Birthdays 1 Response »

Dec 142008

I wrote this, again, in my personal journal as I started to come down from the high of last night’s performance. The concert went well. I have another show this afternoon for which the nerves have already set in even though I logically know everything will be fine. All the same, I’m nervous.

I think I did a wise thing, really, planning to perform on [Munchkin's] birthday. I wasn’t sure going into it. I didn’t quite know how I would react to certain songs or memories in general. The truth? And I hope this isn’t taken the wrong way but I’m sure other performers will understand.

Performing, on a stage, requires full concentration. I had to think about words, notes and choreography. My mind, body and, in essence, spirit were totally dedicated to one thing and one thing only: getting through the concert without mishap. I will report that I only messed up on one word in which I got ahead of myself in the song. Other than that, I hit the right moves at the right times and the right notes at the right time and, really, it was all very thrilling.

I forgot how much I missed being on stage. That applause? It’s addicting. It was a drug to me back in the day and having a taste of it this evening was intoxicating. I smiled my little face off and for two hours of what is normally the hardest day of the year for me, things were absolutely perfect. My husband gave me a big kiss and told me that he was proud of me, followed shortly behind by both of my parents. Life is good, I do admit.

I will admit, as the high from the show is wearing off, reality is setting back in over this cup of tea. And a bit of guilt, as well. Were those two hours that I spent concentrating on music misspent? Should my every thought have been directed toward her today? Was this the wrong thing to do? Should I not be a part of this group so that I might travel to see [the Munchkin] on her birthday each year? Or do I continue to pursue my dreams so that she may one day be proud of me? Where are the lines in the sand and what do I do when a wave washes the line away, leaving me questioning on which side I stand?

I’m getting far too deep for the hour.

All the same, I enjoyed purchasing cupcakes and celebrating my daughter’s birthday with my husband and sons today. I’ve still listened to some emotional songs but don’t necessarily feel lead to quote them just now. I’ve had some tears, I do admit, because I am not a cold, heartless freak of nature. I miss my daughter but, somehow, I’ve still found room to celebrate her. And, at the same time, live my life.

I am somewhat impressed with myself in general, if I’m allowed to toot my own horn for a moment. The healing I have done this year is just shocking to me. Prior to this moment, I don’t think I had fully realized how much healing has been done this year. Related but different, I am proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and auditioning and then continuing to stay in this chorale. The me of a year or two ago never would have done such a thing. It’s all very confusing and encouraging. Who is this woman I am becoming?

I quite like her.

I do, to be honest, like myself as of late. I feel stronger than, well, really, ever. I have this confidence I did not previously have; not a conceit, mind you, but I feel able to hold my head high once again. I mean, I’m still going to avoid eye contact with strangers in public places because that’s just who I am but I’ll feel good doing it.

I have a busy day ahead of me but I really just wanted to share this as, once again, my writing has been doing itself lately. I haven’t had much control over the flying of my fingers across the keyboard and, well, I quite like the results as of late. But more on that later. Today is not a Writer Me day. Today is a Singer Me day.

And I missed this me.