In the last ten miles before arriving at the mountain house, my stomach began to turn. Flipping and flopping, I tried to figure out what I was feeling. Obviously, some of my anxiety was rearing its head but I couldn’t pin-point the general feeling of unrest. It wasn’t dread but there was some fear involved. Obviously excitement played into it as well. Soon we arrived. After the car was unpacked, the boys were put in jammies and put down in bed for the night, D informed me that the Munchkin wanted me to go in and kiss her head when we got there.
I opened her door, tip-toed to the bed and felt a year and a half of worry lift from my shoulders.
There she was, before my very own eyes. Sleeping and peaceful, her hair spread all over her pillow. I sat next to her, quietly, as mothers do, and just stared… as mothers do. In those few quiet moments, I knew what I had been feeling. I had feared that she wouldn’t remember me. That she wouldn’t want to spend time with me. But, even more so, I had feared that in the past year and a half I had somehow lost the ability to be her birth mother. That the feeling and knowledge had left, that I wouldn’t feel the same when I saw her.
If you’re not a birth mother, those last few sentences might not make sense. What do I mean when I say “how to be a birth mother” exactly? There is no exactly as I’m 100% sure it varies from birth mother to birth mother. For me, it involves a feeling of all-encompassing love mixed with pride. It is a feeling of awe that something/someone I have missed for however long we have been apart, someone I have grieved the lack of presence is suddenly right back in front of me. It’s also a feeling of pride within myself. Not for relinquishing or “doing the right thing” or any of that. No. A feeling of pride that I have continued to put in the leg work that allows me to sit on the side of her bed and listen to her steady, sleepy breathing. It’s not easy, that leg work. But the reward? Nothing can replace it.
I sat there, watching her sleep, just for a few minutes. I didn’t want to wake her brother (JD) sleeping just feet from her. As I watched, a feeling of peace came over my soul. No, it didn’t remove the grief that I have that she isn’t in our daily life. That peace doesn’t remove the fact that, sitting here today hundreds of miles apart, yes, I still miss her. But a peace with what “is.”
That peace was further confirmed by ineractions over the weekend. Not just with her but with D, her Mom. Conversations between the lot of us. Laughter by all of us. Time spent watching, time spent playing. When it comes down to it, I have peace with the relationship, the existence of adoption in our lives. Do I still wish she was here right now, asking me questions? Well, sure. What person who is missing someone doesn’t wish for such a thing? But do I know that she is okay? Do I know that she is thriving? Do I know that she is loved by all in her life? Do I know that she will be okay and, as such, in the end, I will be okay? Yes. Yes I do.
I’ll be writing some more about some of my issues, sharing some little stories and some pictures over the next week (or two)… or three. But for now, I leave you with this. It is my new favorite picture of the two of us together. This was taken after a “face off” in which we made funny faces together for the camera and before she told me, “I was born from your belly.”
I? AM the luckiest.
My name is Jenna. I blog here, 
You are both so beautiful in that picture! I can’t wait to hear more.
By the way, I am SOOO jealous!
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Priceless!
And, she is getting so big! She no longer looks like a toddler… She is gorgeous!
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Sounds like she’s finally getting old enough to understand how you fit into things for herself. Yay! *hug*
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That child is beautiful and no wonder that is your new favorite pic
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There is just something in that twinkle/sparkle in her eye in this pic that says so much. Like she just knows that she is the luckiest girl to have so much love in her life.
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She is so beautiful. I’m glad you got that wonderful visit with all of your children, and with D.
Bless your heart, darlin’. It can be a hard row to hoe, but you’re right, the results of the effort are so worth it.
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She gets more beautiful by the year! Your daughter is gorgeous. SIgh – that hair! So pretty.
I’ve been dying to read word of the weekend. THanks for posting.
As time goes by, I get such a sense of change in your tones of your words, and I really do believe that all this swirl of emotions and unknowns for the past several years is really beginning to find its place in your heart. I’m so glad. It will help her so much later on to know how you’re getting it all figured out to help her learn how to figure it out on her own. SHe’s so very lucky to have someone like you! Can’t wait to see more pics – I bet she’s really changed!
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It so IS worth the work isn’t it? This post was beautiful.
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Twitter: Upstatemamma
says:
My son will never know his birth mother but I hope that I am teaching him to have the same love for her as the Munchkin has for you.
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Oh my! That is the most gorgeous picture! I so thank you for sharing!!!!!! I can’t wait to hear more about your visit!
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Beautiful. All of it.
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I love it, just love it.
You are both so beautiful.
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No wonder that’s your favorite picture of the two of you! It’s fantastic! She is a stunning little girl, too.
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[...] our first full day of our visit with the daughter I relinquished for adoption, my oldest son got to play with his big sister. Watching her pull him in the sled just about made [...]
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[...] about our visit @ The Chronicles of Munchkin [...]
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Jenna, she is BEAUTIFUL.
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I’m so glad the visit went well. You two are gorgeous and I can see the love from both of you. You write such beautiful stories. From one birthmom to another, well done!
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What a wonderful post, and an absolutely beautiful picture!! I’m so very glad you had this visit, and I can tell that your heart is full with memories made during it. <3
<3 YOU, Jenna!!
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Full of love. Both of you. (And she’s so stinkin’ gorgeous!)
I’ve been so curious how the weekend went. Can’t wait to see and learn more as time goes on.
Sounds like you had a lovely visit. Makes me happy.
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You both are gorgeous. What a wonderful picture.
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[...] mountain vacation, as you may have read over on The Chronicles of Munchkin Land, was also a visit with the Munchkin and her family. It was a fabulous time for all of us. Somewhat [...]
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beautiful, beautiful girl and mama.
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WOW!!!
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She is precious! Thank you for sharing your journey.
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I am sooo jealous, but in a good way. When my daughter was younger, I couldn’t be happy for you. It would make me upset, but I am older and more mature. I am very happy for you and your daughter.
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This is breathtakingly beautiful!
I’m new here. Came over from your other blog. Thanks for linking to my post!
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Beautiful! I’m so happy for you!!!
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