I meant to write last week about the grieving process. I meant to write about the baby we lost to miscarriage. I meant to write so much… but I couldn’t find the words. I couldn’t find the patience for words. I just wanted some silence… which ararely comes in a world filled with boys. Noise is a part of my daily function.
And that’s where I get confused.
The grieving I have done in my life, both with regard to placement and miscarriage, brings me to where I am today. It has made me who I am today: someone a bit more compassionate for those who have been hurt, wronged and generally stepped upon by society and a little less patient with the unethical, immoral nastiness of our world. Someone who continually works on finding happiness and peace but is told that she’s doing it wrong. Someone who wants the world for her children but acknowledges that she only plays a small part in that journey toward the world. Someone who can acknowledge grief … who, years back, wouldn’t for fear of hurting others.
It’s really only at this time of the year that I allow myself to miss the daughter that we lost to miscarriage. Part of me knows it’s not that healthy to deny the grief and part of me knows it is not healthy to dwell in the grief. I’ve tried to find a happy medium with this particular topic but, well, I don’t even have time for grief on some days.
But sometimes I wonder what it would have been like… what life would now be like with a two year old running amok instead of a fifteen month old. I try not to dwell on whether or not he would be here or not. I try to tell myself that children who were meant to be in our lives will be in our lives. But then I get emotional about the Munchkin. But then I tell myself that she was meant to be here… and she IS in my life in some way…
and the grief…
it mixes together. One to the other, one from the other. And I don’t know what to feel or how to express it.
And so, for two weeks in February, I’m stunted to silence as I imagine what might of been and give thanks for what it is instead.





