I was recently involved in a discussion about the sadness involved in the Buffalo plane crash. The 9/11 widow who died in the crash was discussed and someone whom I thought I respected mentioned that he found it “odd” that the widow was still celebrating the late husband’s birthday seven years later.
You can imagine that the hair on my neck rose as I typed a retort something along the lines of, “Who are you to judge how she grieves?” Something dismissive along the lines of “I can have an opinon” was written back and I decided to let it drop. Mainly because I knew it would go nowhere. Those with balls enough to judge how someone grieves aren’t going to see an argument in which I point out how callous such a thing really is so I saved my breath.
It’s an especially touchy subject as we near the end of February.
The child that we miscarried would be turning two on February 20th. Two years ago, I was finally able to let go of some of the guilt and make the conscious effort to try to conceive the child who is currently cutting his upper molars. Last year, I was able to buy a little cake acknowledging how she changed my life simply by existing for such a short time. This year, I had been planning on getting some cupcakes and acknowledging her yet again.
But apparently I’m doing it wrong.
I hate that. I really, really hate that. What? When other people judge the way other people grieve. And I’m not talking solely about death. I’m also talking about how tired I am of how birth parents are told that they’ll just “magically” “get over” the pain at some point. And, if they don’t, they’re unstable or damaged or aren’t grateful enough for the things in their life. And when they voice their grief, necessary for the process of healing, they are told to be silent because they’re not doing anyone any good. You know, except themselves.
When are we as a society going to accept that grieving is not a bad thing. Furthermore, why is celebrating someone’s life a bad thing when it comes to grieving? When I bought cupcakes for the family on the Munchkin’s birthday, was that somehow wrong? Should I have instead spent time moping around because I couldn’t be with her on her birthday again? Should I have sat at home instead of singing in my Christmas concert? While a few tears were shed, as always, I think this was the healthiest birthday of hers that I have experience (and I have hopes that next year will be even better but also have enough of a realist side to note that it could be difficult as well). Celebrating her life instead of mourning the lack of presence in my life felt pretty darn awesome. Knowing that this widow was likely doing the same thing makes me angry on her behalf that her grieving process has been called “odd” or in any way judged in a negative light.
I’m sensitive to grief right now. I admit that. Right now I’m really deep in the consideration of how my grief has to balance my gratefulness. The process of finding that balance will be something I explore later this week. But I just want to say this out loud: those that can’t allow room for others to grieve will someday be forced to remember their judgment. And, being through what I have, that doesn’t give me a sense of happiness. It only breaks my heart even more to know that grief and the process of grieving are things that society won’t ever escape or evolve away from; they are with us forever.
First off, I’m sorry for your losses and I’m very sorry if others pressure you on how to grieve.
Also, the man in question was my dad’s high school classmate and in honor of him and their reunion, my dad and others had contributed money to name a wing of their school for their deceased classmate. The dedication was to be this weekend, too. So whether or not it’s weird for his widow to be going to see her former in-laws to celebrate their dead son’s birthday (not creepy to me, but a healthy way to grieve and stay connected) she had other reasons that I’d think would be judged more legit. Unless doing anything to remember the dead is unseemly? This doesn’t counteract anything you say, but what you said about others’ response really rubbed me the wrong way.
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I agree with your comments about us each grieving in our own way. I think the main point is that we find a way to walk through the grief in whatever way that works best for each of us.
I lost my father 7 years ago and this impacted me greatly. My sister and I still acknowledge that day together — this past year we went to the spa and watched chick flicks and ate chocolate. To not recognize the significance of the day would feel wrong to me. And this does not mean I haven’t worked through many of the issues grief brings up. So many people just don’t get grief and my hunch is that the person you referred to hasn’t walked that road before.
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Twitter: thecindylorrain
says:
Some people are uncomfortable with grief. They just don’t want to accept that people are in pain when they feel less than no pain. It’s natural to want to avoid pain.
But pain is a good thing sometimes, without it there would be no way of knowing if something is wrong. Letting yourself feel pain is good because it helps us to realize the things that are important. Important things are always the hardest things, many people are lazy, don’t want to think about the hard things. Only the people who care about having good morals and ethics let themselves feel the pain, and learn empathy from it.
You are one of the really good people Jenna, you can be sure, don’t take the words of people whos morals are obviously lacking, they don’t deserve your attention.
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I wonder if you find that certain people are more uncomfortable with your grief than others. Is it often adoptive parents, your daughters adoptive parents, your parents, prospective adopters that are most judgemental?
In my experience, those that somehow contributed to our grief and pain are the most vocal about how we should or should not grieve. I suspect in my case, those that want me to “get over it” are those that are experiencing their own guilt or grief over their personal contribution/culpability. As long as I dont “get over it”, neither can they for every time they see me grieving they are reminded of what they did to contribute to that situation.
My mother, my daughter, others want to dimiss MY experience because they need to dismiss their own. I am a reflection of what they are trying to deny in themselves. They want me to reflect what they want to see, not what I really am.
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you know once one of my friends had told me..
” you know you are trying to make things better.. But you need to grow up and learn to sit within grief.”
There was a movie about that as well. I think Robin Williams was in it.. His character and his wife had lost their children and his wife had completed suicide and thus she was in hell. Before doing so she had went to a mental hospital.. He was visiting with her very often.. And she was always saying ” you are not with me” .. He did not understand then..
And when she died he went to hell to visit her.. Then he is told that he can not stay there and his wife will not even remember him. but he decides that he will give up everything just to be there.
to sit there with her in her pain.. And thus this way they find heaven..
I think it teaches a lot..
And I think most people are not ready to really be there.
They want and need quick remedies.
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(committed :P waw I need to improve my english …)
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“those that can’t allow room for others to grieve will someday be forced to remember their judgment.”
^Gave me goosebumps.
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I am So with you on this. I’ve struggled with it too. In one circumstance, people judged me for my grief. In other, I was judged for not grieving enough. I agree that how a person grieves is subjective to the person.
I think you are in a good place. It’s not inhibiting your life or your ability to have a life and future with your family, but it is still always with you and a part of who you are. That can’t be denied, and even if you tried, you’d be trying to be someone you’re not because our life experiences make us who we are.
In short, *big hug* and I don’t think you’re nuts! If you are, then we are nuts together!
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To hear people tell it, I do just about everything wrong, so I have given up caring what anyone thinks.
You are so right with this one though (great post!) People (me included at times) seem to naturally want to see grief as a negative, maybe because they know deep down they can’t repair it for that grieving person, and that makes them uncomfortable.
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I read this when you first posted it and am glad I did. this week my great grandma passed and I have encountered many who questioned my grief. In my mind I held your post and it helped me to not crumble under their not so kind words. Thank you.
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Maybe this isn’t about grieving? I find that some people just want to be right…all the time…I feel like there’s a lot of that online…
Regardless of the cause, glad you’re grieving in your own style.
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We all have to remember and grieve our own way. There is no right or wrong way to do this.
You remember Munchkin in a way that you feel comfortable and secure. I remember Supergirl in a different way but that doesn’t make either way wrong.
It is what we need to do for us.
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I just have to say, that’s not an opinion she had, it was a judgment. Big difference. As a woman who has also had a child lost to adoption, and one lost to miscarriage, and we do all grieve in our own ways. And none of them are wrong.
hugs ((Jenna))
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