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Challenges

In hoping to find some inspiration, I came across this quote:

Challenges make you discover things about yourself that you never really knew. They’re what make the instrument stretch-what make you go beyond the norm.

I needed to read that particular quote, especially with reference to the word instrument, as I’m dealing with a new issue. As you may know, I have a large part in my chorale’s Spring Show. The challenge isn’t even just the singing of an emotionally and musically challenging song. No, I have now been informed that my director wants me to sing the part with as little vibrato as possible. He told me that he understands this will be difficult for a trained voice but that it is what he wants. And, as such, I need to deliver.

This is my first solo with this chorale. I haven’t even put in a full season yet and I’ve somehow been given one small solo, one large solo and a duet. I’m sure some people are thinking, “She hasn’t even proven herself on stage yet! What is he thinking?” In fact, with this new change to how I must manage my voice, that’s a little bit of what I’m thinking as well. Still, I press on.

My initial reaction was, “I can’t do this.” That seems to be my initial reaction to most anything that is outside the norm of what I think I can handle or how I think something should be done. Examples include becoming pregnant when I was single and the individual challenges that have sprung up over the years with regard to our open adoption. While I have better learned how to manage an appropriate response when something new springs up, my initial thought is, “I can’t do this! AH!”

And, so, I whined and moaned at my husband when I got home from practice that evening. The next day, I attempted the song in the car with a brighter, less “warm” tone and… pulled it off… but it sure as heck wasn’t easy. Almost a week into practicing with a different tone and I’m finding it to be a struggle. But a possibility in the end.

And that brings me back to the quote.

I worked for years to get my voice to find that vibrato. To achieve it, you can’t even really be thinking about it while you’re singing. You have to relax into it, let your vocal chords do the work that they are meant to do. Training your voice not to think about being trained is a difficult process, one that took me nearly eleven years. Now I’m learning through this new challenge that my voice can do other tricks. Do I like this sound as much as my natural, hard-achieved sound? No. Do I wish I could belt this one out as I feel most comfortable? Yes. Am I figuring that I am leaning something through this process? Don’t I always?

It’s similar to how I have been pushed beyond my norm with regard to our open adoption relationship challenges over the years. Some things have not been what I would have chosen or expected. Some things I have balked out upon first word. Some things have been hard to get used to, to train my brain and heart to accept. Some things have been difficult to wrap my brain around, to figure a new way to make sense of it all. But, in the end, it works because I (and we) keep pushing ourselves beyond that norm. We have accepted and met challenges. Yes, we have all balked at times. Yes, we have made mistakes. Just like I’m sure that I’ll make a mistake at practice this week. But we keep on keeping on. Just like I continue to push the ability of my voice, we continue to push ourselves in our relationships because we know that, in the end, it is worth it.

And now ends a post that I have written mainly to assure myself that I will be able to achieve this on stage in just over two months.