Thoughts on the Adoption Conference
Posted: April 28, 2009 at 12:52 pmI ended up crying at the adoption conference. I didn’t mean to. I mean, I even held it together when Dawn got all weepy while talking about the ethical implications of pre-matching and whether or not Pennie felt obligated to place with them. I mean, I wasn’t wearing waterproof mascara. I had to hold it together, right?
And then a woman stepped forward. She had been nodding and receptive the whole time. I didn’t know what to expect. I wasn’t ready for it, that’s for sure.
She was an adult adoptee who, from what I gathered from her short story, had a difficult relationship with her adoptive parents and birth parents, all of whom have now passed away. Then she looked at me and at Pennie and said something along the lines of, “I wanted to tell the two of you… thank you.”
I’m crying as I write it.
She went on to say that if her birth mother had cared nearly as much or done any of the things that Pennie and I have been doing, maybe she would have turned out differently. I lost it. I didn’t blubber, which I’m known for doing, but the tears fell. Mascara be darned.
It hit me. It’s what I can only dream that someday the Munchkin will say to me. After the angsty teen years are over and she has stopped hating D (her adoptive mom) because she’ll be the one setting the boundaries and dealing with any punishment issues. And after she’s stopped hating me because, obviously, this will be all my fault. And, knowing how I felt about authority figures until later in my life, maybe not until she is a mom herself. But whenever it is… I hope that she is able to see that I just wanted the best for her… in every decision I made. I thought placement was best. After that, I thought openness was best. And each time something difficult arises, I continue on because I know that it is best for her.
And hearing someone who lived through the closed era acknowledge that… acknowledge the work… acknowledge the pain… and offer encouragement for the future… well, it was needed.
So much more happened. And, as always, I’m just amazed by some of my fellow bloggers. But, really, it was fabulous. Also, now that I’ve met Pennie, I think I need to drive to Columbus more often. Not that Dawn isn’t cool. Sure, Dawn’s cool. But Pennie is cooler than I could have imagined.
Quick sidebar as to the likely reasons of why: I know so few birth mothers in real life. There is one birth mother in my church but she is from the closed era. And, so, I know no other birth mothers in open adoption in real life. Yes, I have some online friends who bridged the gap to real life friends but they live miles and miles away. An hour and a half with traffic is not miles and miles away. And being in the presence of someone who is so well-spoken about her journey and generally rocks, well, it’s awesome.
Plus, she’s younger than me so she can come to all future functions so I’m not the youngest anymore. You know, since I’m old now.
More eventually. Still exhausted and now dealing with a sick LittleBrother.
The Discussion
see what everyone is saying
I think meeting you seriously changed Pennie’s life in really good ways. :)
[Reply]
Pennie is hella cool and you should totally come to Columbus to visit her. At my house. With Dawn, too. Cuz we old people don’t like to be left out.
And, I can’t believe you didn’t wear waterproof mascara! ;)
[Reply]
What an amazing experience. I think that’s one of the real benefits of blogging especially in a situation like adoption where people don’t always have contact with the individuals in their own lives/families they’d like to be able to talk to, but they can benefit from the experiences of others.
[Reply]
[...] of open adoption, you gotta go read Jenna’s thoughts on the AAC conference particularly because of an attendee who spoke directly to Pennie and Jenna. I will let her share it [...]
It was so so good meeting you at the conference! Reading this makes me sadder than ever that they put your session at the same time as Suz’s and mine. I really wanted to hear you all!!
I hope our paths cross again soon, because it was not only great fun, it was one of the most satisfying get-togethers I’ve ever had. You, Dawn, Pennie, Suz, Judy, Shannon, Marley all rock!!!
Hugs!
[Reply]
Happy belated birthday Jenna. Your post that day also touched me. I wish everyone could have the same level of compassion you expressed, for others and for themselves.
Deb
[Reply]
It was such a pleasure to sit on the panel with you and to hang out after. I’m only now able to really think about a lot of what was said at the conference.
[Reply]
I really wish I could come to one of these things.
I think we are almost the same age, didn’t you just turn 28? I am turning 30, so scary! I met other birthmom once when I went to this support group. They were mostly younger than me. I hope your baby boy gets better. thanks for blogging
[Reply]
Hi Jenna,
I found you via Dawn. I’m a mom with two adopted kids who have open adoptions. Two weeks ago, my daughter (age 11 met her birth father and birth grandmother in person for the first time (she’s had long-time contact thru cards, letters and e-mail). It was for dinner and it wasn’t very long, but later my daughter said, “Mom, thanks for making tonight happen.” The birth dad wrote to me, “It was the best day of my life.”
I don’t know what it feels like to be adopted. I try to always make decisions for the benefit of my kids, and that night I was glad for all the years of effort on my part to keep things connected.
I was grateful for how peaceful my daughter looked that night….
[Reply]
That is really, really awesome. Thanks for writing about it. You guys almost make me wish I lived in the midwest. Almost.
[Reply]