2009 April » The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

The Hard Stuff of Open Adoption

Apr 082009

I’ve been working (very little) on my presentation for the National Adoption Conference later this month. I’m trying to strike that balance between realism and positivity. You know, I’m a silver lining kind of woman. Even in my darkest of days, I have tried to find something good. It’s just who I am.

And perhaps that’s why I’m struggling. Or, perhaps the truth of the “hard stuff in open adoption” is this…

It’s all hard stuff. Don’t read into that and assume that I mean that open adoption is just a big difficult mess. What I mean is that life, inside or outside of an open adoption, is hard. Families who are not touched by adoption have arguments. They divorce. They get diseases. They die. Their children have learning disabilities and behavioral problems. They get in trouble.

And at the same time, the silver lining works in most of these families. Doesn’t it?

Families who have gone through a divorce can still survive, quite well. Families who have been through a cancer diagnosis and treatment can still live full lives. Families who have lived through a death can still carry on. They get their children help for issues. They discipline their children properly. And life continues on.

So, then, when trying to think of the hardships in open adoption for birth parents, where does the bigger issue come into play?

Is it the total lack of control either over what is happening in the child’s life or over the relationship with the adoptive parents due to the imbalance of alleged power? Does it have something to do with the lack of counseling, both before and after placement? Are unethical agencies and attorneys having a hand in the issue? Does grief complicate the matter? Do some birth parents have unrealistic expectations for their child’s family due to a general lack of experience in life due to either age or status yet in life?

Or is it all of it?

I’d go with all of it. I think coming at it from that angle rather than the angle of “open adoption itself is EEEEEVIL” will help me get deeper into this presentation. Obviously, coming from my experience and knowing the experiences of others, I don’t think open adoption is evil. (I also wouldn’t have been chosen to present if I thought that.) However, I’m finding it very important to strike balance in this presentation. I’ve lived through a lot in our open adoption. Mistakes. Miscommunication. Arguments. Health issues. A miscarriage. Lies from our agency. An inability to find a therapist with any experience on the issue. Going on to parent other children. Divorce of the adoptive parents. But, at the same time, I’ve also lived through five (plus) years of amazing moments. Holding my daughter on the evening after her first birthday party. Having her kiss my belly when I was pregnant with my oldest son. Watching my three living children jump on a bed together (it was a mattress on the floor so we were safe, promise). Having D as a bridesmaid in myw edding. Having her present at my baby shower. The list goes on.

And so, I continue working. I’ll keep you updated. Right now I just have a general outline and a paragraph or two. But it’s getting there. Slowly.

Planning Things

Open Adoption 5 Responses »

Apr 022009

I’m currently deep in the throes of procrastinating what I’m writing, speech wise, for the American Adoption Conference National Conference I’m speaking at the day after my birthday. No, I don’t want to talk about my birthday. You can tell me, “Oh! You’re so young.” Something about twenty-eight is really tripping me out. Twenty-nine sounds less… awful, to be honest. I don’t know what it is about this year. Just not excited.

All the same, yes, I’m procrastinating the process of figuring out what it is that I want to say. What does one say about the challenges of open adoption? How do I impart the hardships while still highlighting the great advantages? How do I make sure that I come across as I truly feel: grateful to have found a family as awesome have, but still warn others that stories like ours, even with the hardships we have faced, aren’t the majority. Sadly.

It seems big and scary right now, mainly because I keep putting it off. I know that once I finally decide to sit down and let it flow from my fingertips, the words will come. Points will make sense. I’ll be less scared, less confused about what it is that I am saying. Or what I want to say. Or, perhaps, what needs to be said.

Amusingly, my husband just came over and said, “What are you doing?” I said, “I need to be working on my speech for the end of the month, so I’m writing about how I’m procrastinating working on it.” He said, “That makes no sense.” Perhaps he’s right. Perhaps it is time to dig in.

But, speaking of planning things, I’m also in the midst of planning for D and crew to come visit the week of my Sprin Show. We’re very excited. Things like professional photographs and late nights laughing will make a week of singing and dancing a bit more… crazy! But fun.

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