11

Maybe I’m Too Radical?

Suburban Turmoil had a great post about how mommybloggers are no longer radical. I can see what she’s saying. I’m not really pushing too many walls down over at Stop, Drop & Blog myself. I occasionally throw people for a loop but I’ve found my niche by combining fire life specifics with normal, everyday parenting of two wild and crazy boys. My everyday, in-and-out life isn’t all that radical right now. In fact, minus the noise level, it’s really quite calm. I like it that way.

But this blog? It’s always been radical.

In fact, at various points in time, it’s been too radical for public consumption. People don’t want to hear a story of a mother who was very sick while pregnant and got eaten up by an unethical agency intent on making money. People don’t want to hear the story of the grief and loss that accompany the relinquishment of a child. After all, I deserved that pain, didn’t I? I chose to open my legs. I chose to “give away” my baby. This is all my fault, after all. Why don’t I just shut my trap? People don’t want to hear about a birth mother who isn’t a crack addict, a whore, homeless or somehow less than them. It makes them uncomfortable that I’m a great mother, a hardworking writer and a pretty darn good cook to boot. They squirm in their seats and realize that they’re not better than me and that makes them question the industry, society, themselves. They need for me to be something else, something less than what I am. They can’t handle the truth that I bring to the table.

I’m too radical for the mommyblogger world.

This blog is not accepted as a “mommy blog” despite the fact that it falls under that umbrella. My input is not welcome. I have nothing of value to say because it’s too scary, too real. Of course, I know all of this to be hogwash. I know those that have come to me to ask questions, to find support. I know the lives that have been changed because I’ve dared to speak my story, to be a radical, open adoption birth mother giving a voice to the need for adoption reforms.

I know other mothers like me, not just birth mothers, who are pushing back against a world that doesn’t want them to speak their stories. They also lead rather calm, normal lives. They don’t compromise who they are, what they do. And yet, Dawn isn’t shunned because she’s the adoptive mom, the savior in the equation. Until she comes to our defense and then she gets the same hate mail.

I still wonder when a birth mother will be allowed to stand on a stage at a blogging conference and talk. And it’s not for lack of trying. We’re not wanted, despite being mothers and bloggers. We’re told to sit down, shut up. When I mention adoption over on the family blog, like in my birth story, people don’t know what to say. They click away. What do you say to someone that you look down on (for no good reason)? And yet I’m invited to speak at adoption conferences because I’m a well-accepted blogger to those people. But to mommybloggers? Unacceptable.

I’ll keep writing here. I’ll keep pushing back against a society, against a blogosphere that wants me to be quiet. It’s what I do. It’s how I heal. It’s how I make sense of what has happened, how I push to ensure that other mothers are not treated like me as they make their way through the adoption industry. It’s how I find the strength to go on.

5

No Longer Defined by One Title

I think part of my healing process has taken place in the fact that I am no longer defined by one title.

For a very long time I was defined by the title of Birth Mother. Or First Mother. Or however you want to spell it, space it or say it. I was defined by it and I couldn’t get out of the box that definition provided. More over, I needed to be defined by that title for a time. However, I couldn’t see when I no longer needed that definition to rule my life.

When I was considering placement, I didn’t know to be ashamed of my decision. It wasn’t until the immediate aftermath in the hospital and the way our Pastor treated both me and my family that I realized that birth mothers are not applauded like the pro-life camp would have you believe. I was shunned. I was cursed at, told that I was a horrible human being for “giving my baby away.” As such, I found a need to reinvent the title and role of birth mother. I needed to be seen as a remarkable human being who endured a tough choice and came out on top. I needed people to see that I wasn’t a crackwhore, that I wasn’t a slut. I needed people to validate my decision and I needed to validate the title of birth mother all at the same time.

As the walls began to crumble around my denial, the realities of my decision settling like dust into every corner of my life, I found that I couldn’t get away from the title. I began to feel this intensely after my firstborn son was home and hungry for my parenting knowledge. Here I was, mothering this tiny (though, he wasn’t ever tiny, was he?) little baby boy and I was still being ruled by the title of birth mother. But I was a mother! And I wanted to be recognized as one! And most people did. I, instead, was unable to accept my new role as mother as a separate title. I was unable to separate parts of my life. While they are twined together in some fashion, they are also remarkably different roles. My grief was affecting my parenting and, looking back, I am able to admit that fact. I don’t like it, like that it is part of my history, but it did.

Once in therapy, I was able to begin separating from the title of birth mother. As I learned the many facets of who I was, I didn’t need to be The Best Birth Mother In The History of All Birth Mothers. I spent less time online arguing with people who felt threatened by my presence in the adoption world. I spent less time being angry with an unethical agency that will never change. I spent less time comparing myself to other mothers, finding validation my son’s smile, in his love. I spent more time listening to my husband and less time listening to those who needed to cut me down to validate their own life story. I needed professional help to get to that point, to let go of things, to move forward and enjoy my life as a whole, not just as a part.

I am not just a birth mother. In fact, I am not just a mother. Not just a wife. A daughter. A friend. A writer. A singer. I am so many things in so many ways. I am proud of how all of those things come together to make me… me. No one has lived this life that I’m living. They may have made similar decisions. We may have strikingly similar stories even. But this is me. This is my life, my decisions, my unique journey.

I am not just a birth mother though I always will be. I am not just a mother though I always will be. I have learned to merge roles, to set them aside when I need to be someone else for a moment. I have learned to accept how my roles have formed me but still know that they don’t define me.

I may be a birth mother but I’m so much more. So much more.

2

To Read About Adoption or To Ignore It

I unsubscribed from absolutely every blog in my Google Reader. I did. I felt bad. But, I’ll be honest: I was so overwhelmed with the number and the content of my Google Reader that I hadn’t opened it since a week before my show last month. I didn’t have time during show week which was also the time of our simultaneous visit here.

And then the anxiety started to build as I knew, without looking, that the number of unread posts was growing. And growing.

I started visiting blogs that I wanted to visit. I read what I wanted to read, ignoring my Google Reader button my toolbar. Then I got my new laptop… and I didn’t even put the Google Reader button on my toolbar. It’s funny, really. I had some time to write and read and generally do things other than… read blog.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy reading blogs. I love it. In fact, I really thrive on it. But I went through a phase where I subscribed to every single adoption blog ever written. I even subscribed to Google and Yahoo! searches on adoption so that any time anyone on the internet mentioned the words adoption, birth mother or open adoption, my Google Reader got a little alert with a link where I would hop over to the blog or news article and, if it was the former, I would subscribe.

For awhile, I read in earnest. I read everything, beginning to end. I frequently commented. I linked. I stumbled. I tweeted. And then I hit a brick wall. I became overwhelmed and over-stimulated by adoption speak. I didn’t want to consider any more of the ethical implications of the industry. I didn’t want to listen to parents on either side of the triad refuse to consider anything but their own experience. And, really, selfishly, I didn’t want to hear that my experience was invalid by people who couldn’t accept that differing experiences are okay, that they’re good. I didn’t want to bury my head in the sand and ignore everything, despite what my subject line says. But I just needed to concentrate on something other than All Adoption, All the Time.

And so, just this past week, I deleted every last blog in my Reader. In fact, the first time I tried, the process failed. I almost took that as a sign but, I hit the button again and everyone flew out the window. I deleted all of my folders and tags and started anew. I added friends first, wanting to keep up to date with their lives. Then I added some fun things, some blogging things. And, eventually, I added some adoption specific blogs back to the list. Not all of them. In fact, not many. I do imagine the list will grow but, right now, it sits at a manageable number.

I think I know why I had to make this change, to limit how much adoption is in my life and how much other stuff sucks up my time. I think, however, the reason is based on a whole other post that is still forming in my head. In short, however, my life is less ruled by adoption nowadays. I’m finding a good balance. I like it, my life, this balance.

In closing, all I meant to say is that if you haven’t noticed my IP address on your blog in quite some time, I’m not snubbing you personally. Please go ahead and send me links (via email or tweets) if you think that I should know or respond to something of adoption importance. I’m sure, as I continue on in my return to Google Reading, I will be adding more adoption specific bloggery to my list.

Maybe…