No Longer Defined by One Title
Posted: June 29, 2009 at 4:16 pm | Tags: titles, wordsI think part of my healing process has taken place in the fact that I am no longer defined by one title.
For a very long time I was defined by the title of Birth Mother. Or First Mother. Or however you want to spell it, space it or say it. I was defined by it and I couldn’t get out of the box that definition provided. More over, I needed to be defined by that title for a time. However, I couldn’t see when I no longer needed that definition to rule my life.
When I was considering placement, I didn’t know to be ashamed of my decision. It wasn’t until the immediate aftermath in the hospital and the way our Pastor treated both me and my family that I realized that birth mothers are not applauded like the pro-life camp would have you believe. I was shunned. I was cursed at, told that I was a horrible human being for “giving my baby away.” As such, I found a need to reinvent the title and role of birth mother. I needed to be seen as a remarkable human being who endured a tough choice and came out on top. I needed people to see that I wasn’t a crackwhore, that I wasn’t a slut. I needed people to validate my decision and I needed to validate the title of birth mother all at the same time.
As the walls began to crumble around my denial, the realities of my decision settling like dust into every corner of my life, I found that I couldn’t get away from the title. I began to feel this intensely after my firstborn son was home and hungry for my parenting knowledge. Here I was, mothering this tiny (though, he wasn’t ever tiny, was he?) little baby boy and I was still being ruled by the title of birth mother. But I was a mother! And I wanted to be recognized as one! And most people did. I, instead, was unable to accept my new role as mother as a separate title. I was unable to separate parts of my life. While they are twined together in some fashion, they are also remarkably different roles. My grief was affecting my parenting and, looking back, I am able to admit that fact. I don’t like it, like that it is part of my history, but it did.
Once in therapy, I was able to begin separating from the title of birth mother. As I learned the many facets of who I was, I didn’t need to be The Best Birth Mother In The History of All Birth Mothers. I spent less time online arguing with people who felt threatened by my presence in the adoption world. I spent less time being angry with an unethical agency that will never change. I spent less time comparing myself to other mothers, finding validation my son’s smile, in his love. I spent more time listening to my husband and less time listening to those who needed to cut me down to validate their own life story. I needed professional help to get to that point, to let go of things, to move forward and enjoy my life as a whole, not just as a part.
I am not just a birth mother. In fact, I am not just a mother. Not just a wife. A daughter. A friend. A writer. A singer. I am so many things in so many ways. I am proud of how all of those things come together to make me… me. No one has lived this life that I’m living. They may have made similar decisions. We may have strikingly similar stories even. But this is me. This is my life, my decisions, my unique journey.
I am not just a birth mother though I always will be. I am not just a mother though I always will be. I have learned to merge roles, to set them aside when I need to be someone else for a moment. I have learned to accept how my roles have formed me but still know that they don’t define me.
I may be a birth mother but I’m so much more. So much more.
The Discussion
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Wow, what a post. I may just have to re-read it a few times as I am a prospective adoptive mother (you know PAP, but actually PAM … but that is my mother’s name so it gets a bit confusing. Smile).
Anyway, I just stated my adoption blog and wanted to connect with others on this amazing journey. I happened here … and I really enjoyed the post and the perspective.
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Well written post. I want to write something to you I am not sure what. While we have an open adoption agreement with our birthmother we have never met, never shared a letter or any kind of contact yet. We want to thank her, we feel she is part of our family. I want to tell her how much we adore the life she entrusted to us. We will be forever grateful to her. I realize feelings may still be raw for her, we have no idea what her circumstances are but we just have the utmost respect and empathy for her. I want to listen to, support, even to hug her if that is what she wants but also maintain this anonymity if that is what she really needs. For us “birthmother” is a term of utmost respect. Our lives would not be what they are today without the pivotal day that our lives collided. So to you, birthmother, I have a tear in my eye of gratitude, and admiration and respect. I will always be emotional when I think of you.
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Amen!!!
the reason I am scared to let people know about the fact that I became a birthmom is because I don’t want to give up all the other things I am in peoples minds.
Everyone is more than just one thing, and we decide how we want to be defined.
I think your attitude is awesome. I am desperatly trying to have this same attitude.
Thank you for writing. I love what you write :)
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And… please understand that at our house birth (first) mothers rank pretty dang high up there! Should we meet, and hear your story- you would hear gasps and have to ward off spontaneous hugs and live in the golden light of general awe. First moms mean the world to us. Though we often find ourselves ‘outlined’ by other’s definitions of us- we are never truly defined by them. We (the adults in our family) work hard to help others understand adoption, open adoption, the roles of adoptive parents, and our version of first parents in our children’s lives. These roles, I’m sure you find, are constantly changing, advancing. Adoption for us, is often like a roller coaster, feelings surrounding adoption (at least ours) rely mostly on how we are getting along with the families surrounding our children- injected by the ideas or determinations made by people not involved in our (2) triads.
You are an inspiration. Your words influence others- like me. An adoptive mom of two boys- working with their/our families to make the world as right as we can for our boys and others like them. You are more than the words others label you with.
Thank you for writing.
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I stumbled onto this blog through a comment you left on a Suburban Turmoil post.
I don’t have anything amazingly insightful to say, nor do I have any stories of adoption to share. But for some reason, your honesty and writings grabbed me, so I’ll be reading. (As soon as I work my way through the archives.)
I guess all I want to say is that from what I’ve read so far, you made a difficult decision, and in the process created a family. Your first birth story wasn’t any less beautiful than the second or third – it was still your story to tell. For living it, for making that decision, for telling your story, you deserve admiration, not condescension. I had my first child at 15 – and the choices I made were not easy ones… just as I imagine yours wasn’t easy either. Though we wound up making different choices, I truly respect and admire the courage you obviously had, to be able to make the decision you did.
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