Maybe I’m Too Radical?
Posted: June 30, 2009 at 2:01 pm | Tags: blogging, i'm too radical, mommyblogsSuburban Turmoil had a great post about how mommybloggers are no longer radical. I can see what she’s saying. I’m not really pushing too many walls down over at Stop, Drop & Blog myself. I occasionally throw people for a loop but I’ve found my niche by combining fire life specifics with normal, everyday parenting of two wild and crazy boys. My everyday, in-and-out life isn’t all that radical right now. In fact, minus the noise level, it’s really quite calm. I like it that way.
But this blog? It’s always been radical.
In fact, at various points in time, it’s been too radical for public consumption. People don’t want to hear a story of a mother who was very sick while pregnant and got eaten up by an unethical agency intent on making money. People don’t want to hear the story of the grief and loss that accompany the relinquishment of a child. After all, I deserved that pain, didn’t I? I chose to open my legs. I chose to “give away” my baby. This is all my fault, after all. Why don’t I just shut my trap? People don’t want to hear about a birth mother who isn’t a crack addict, a whore, homeless or somehow less than them. It makes them uncomfortable that I’m a great mother, a hardworking writer and a pretty darn good cook to boot. They squirm in their seats and realize that they’re not better than me and that makes them question the industry, society, themselves. They need for me to be something else, something less than what I am. They can’t handle the truth that I bring to the table.
I’m too radical for the mommyblogger world.
This blog is not accepted as a “mommy blog” despite the fact that it falls under that umbrella. My input is not welcome. I have nothing of value to say because it’s too scary, too real. Of course, I know all of this to be hogwash. I know those that have come to me to ask questions, to find support. I know the lives that have been changed because I’ve dared to speak my story, to be a radical, open adoption birth mother giving a voice to the need for adoption reforms.
I know other mothers like me, not just birth mothers, who are pushing back against a world that doesn’t want them to speak their stories. They also lead rather calm, normal lives. They don’t compromise who they are, what they do. And yet, Dawn isn’t shunned because she’s the adoptive mom, the savior in the equation. Until she comes to our defense and then she gets the same hate mail.
I still wonder when a birth mother will be allowed to stand on a stage at a blogging conference and talk. And it’s not for lack of trying. We’re not wanted, despite being mothers and bloggers. We’re told to sit down, shut up. When I mention adoption over on the family blog, like in my birth story, people don’t know what to say. They click away. What do you say to someone that you look down on (for no good reason)? And yet I’m invited to speak at adoption conferences because I’m a well-accepted blogger to those people. But to mommybloggers? Unacceptable.
I’ll keep writing here. I’ll keep pushing back against a society, against a blogosphere that wants me to be quiet. It’s what I do. It’s how I heal. It’s how I make sense of what has happened, how I push to ensure that other mothers are not treated like me as they make their way through the adoption industry. It’s how I find the strength to go on.
The Discussion
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Don’t ever stop fighting the good fight. I’ve been out of the “birthmother closet” for 20 years now, and blog regularly, and you’re right..many people don’t want to hear what we have to say. That doesn’t mean that we don’t have the right to say it, though. Hang in there, from one birthmom to another.
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I wandered over here from the comments section of Suburban Turmoil – I am neither a mom nor a blogger, but am a long time lurker on the blog scene.
Your post struck a chord with me as an adopted child. While my adoption was legally closed, my parents were always very open with me. They never sat me down for the ‘You’re different from the other kids’ talk, but rather told us every chance we got that our (my sister, who is not my biological sibling) mothers loved us so much that they wanted us to have the best possible chance, and it so happened it wasn’t with them. So yes, there are people like that out there – the ones who realize that the choice to give a child up for adoption isn’t the easy way out. The easy way out would have been an abortion, but both choices come with respective painful consequences. I wish you would have that experience, because each day I am so thankful to the 19 year old college student who loved me so much that she did was was best for me, and not what was least painful for her.
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You go radical mom! We need more radical moms around or nothing will ever change. Telling others about your experience is very powerful and educating. I know as an adoptive mom, I think of my kid’s birth parents with much more respect and sensativity than I may have if I hadn’t know you and your story.
Thanks!
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Keep fighting. You are the strongest kind of mother- let your light shine and show the rest of the world.
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I hope that I can be as radical as you.
I am not sure I have the mind, never mind the courage to put into words that adoptive parents are no better or worse than I am.
I sometimes feel like I could scream at the top of my lungs about being a perfectly normal human being, just like anyone else and especially adoptive parents, and they just would ignore me…
I really admire your writing and wish I could write like you.
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Hello my beloved Firemom,
This was a great post. I’ve told you before that you’re inspirational – and today I will say it again. You’re inspirational.
But here’s why (for me)- it has nothing to do with adoption. I get told to sit down, shut up too, when I talk about my family. No one wants to hear me talk about my abusive, neglected childhood or the pain I go through in trying to save my sister and brothers from the same fate. They don’t want to hear me openly and loudly proclaim “I AM FROM A BROKEN HOUSEHOLD! I AM FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE.” Why? I have struggled with this. I decided awhile ago that it is because they don’t know what to say, partially because I seem so well-adjusted and able. I’m not a drug addict or an alcoholic (like mom). I’m college educated and working toward success. I married a great guy. What can they say, how can they help? It’s such a complicated situation that simple words and actions do not work.
When I start talking about it, openly – people shut themselves up. Even my friends – the ones who don’t know how to deal with it. They walk or click away. It’s not normal. It’s not happy little stories of life and the little ups and downs. It’s serious, thought-provoking stuff and it is uncomfortable. It is radical. And it is necessary.
Keep talking, as loudly as possible. I’m listening, and so are so many others.
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Jenna, I saw your comment–I’m glad that you are still writing, authentically.
Today, 45 years ago, I was adopted. Every time I visit your blog, I think of my birth mother and I silently thank her for her choice. (I think of her other times, too…quite a bit, actually. I wonder why my four children are all so tall and fair! My records are sealed and I haven’t found her.)
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No one wants to hear anything that doesn’t fit into their “perfectly normal” world view. They can’t accept that things they’re not comfortable with are normal too for some people. The don’t know how to respond. But how can they learn to get comfortable with it unless people talk about it?
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You go girl! Continue on with your radical-ness. There are SO many of us that are listening and benefit from hearing your story. I will be a different kind of adoptive mom because of you.
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I suppose I am a mommy blogger – I write about being a mommy anyway and I have to say that I would feel proud to consider myself in the same category as you. As the adoptive mom (gosh I hate the clarification but if I just say mom it doesn’t make sense – just like if you just say mom it doesn’t make sense) I have to say that I hope and pray that my son’s first mother lives as great of a life as you do. I hope and pray that she is happy and raising other children and all in all having a good life. My daughter’s first mother I know is not and that makes me sad – her whole story makes me sad – but that is a story for another time.
I read here – inconsistently but still – in hopes that her life is like this. I read here to know her pain – to understand what it is like to be here.
And I hate when people look at me as a savior. I did not save my children I added to my family. That is all. In truth it is selfish because I adopted to have another child (or a child in my son’s case).
I will stop now as I feel myself getting all worked up but mostly I just wanted to say thanks for telling your story. This mommy appreciates it.
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You keep on keeping, girl. You are one of the very few bloggers I read, and I have learned much from your experience. I am always grateful, inspired and moved by your writing.
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