I have, over the years, questioned why I continue to share so much of myself with the Internet. It’s true that I find healing in writing, in sharing my story. I don’t think I would have come this far if I wouldn’t have sorted through the whole of my emotions in word form. Would it have been the same if I would have written in a diary? Or a locked blog? Would the lack of feedback made it harder for me to find the peace which I have stumbled upon? I don’t know the answers exactly.
I do know that there have been times when I have doubted what I do, what I share. These times are when people are nasty, unkind and generally lacking compassion for what they assume is outside of their own understanding. I try to remember that they’re just as scared as I once was, their negativity and harsh words are nothing more than a defense mechanism made to keep their world safe and secure. Words still sting. I’ve gotten better over the years but I still cry at times when people find it necessary to lash out at me even though their true issues are, all too often, within themselves.
That’s why I was so encouraged by an email that I received this morning. I will quote a portion. I’ve removed specific details to protect privacy.
I have to say, that I pretty much stuck to my adoptive parents [...] boards. It was reading your story and getting to know you that made me branch out and in doing so, I gained a whole new understanding of the other sides to the adoption triad. I’ll admit that for a long time I didn’t have much room in my heart for [my child's] birth mother. Thanks in part to you, your blog and openness about your feelings, that has changed.
What a lovely thing to wake up to!
I share this not to toot my own horn. I share this so that my readers who are currently blogging their journey may also feel encouraged. You never know whose life you are going to touch. As an example here, I not only touched that adoptive parent’s life but that child’s life, that birth mother’s life and anyone who comes in contact with that family. You, too, are doing the same thing by sharing your stories, your experiences, your heart with the reading masses.
The blogging world can be nasty at times. Take this moment to feel encouraged as you share your journey. The truth is that so many of you have also encouraged me in my journey. Please accept my heartfelt thanks for helping me arrive where I am today.
I’m glad you got that email. I think I have told you before that it has been very helpful for me, as a prospective adoptive parent, to read your blog. In fact, finding your blog when we were first contemplating adoption really broadened my perspective and made me approach things completely differently, with a huge hope for an open adoption. At the moment, I’m one year+ into “officially waiting” and we’ve been through two painful failed matches. Had I not initially found this blog and subsequent other blogs, I think I’d be extremely bitter right now. Ok, if I’m going to be truthful, I’m still a *little* bitter, because this has been a hard year, emotionally and financially, and I thought I’d be the new mom of a beautiful little girl in July — but because of the time I’ve taken to read blogs and books, etc., for the last year and a half, I’m also able to compartmentalize MY hurt and truly wish the baby’s mother all the best now that she has decided to parent. For MYSELF, of course I wish it had worked out differently and that I didn’t have an empty nursery to look at every day, but I can say with 100% honesty that I believe children belong with their biological parents whenever that’s possible, and if this young woman was both willing and able to parent, then I wouldn’t want it any other way. The lingering concern I have in our recent situation is that the young woman’s family refused to help her at all throughout the pregnancy. We supported her financially for several months, and then the family suddenly decided that they could help her if she parented. I’m worried that they’re actually not going to follow-through and leave her right back where she was, without help. :(
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When I cover abortion in my ethics class a significant portion of student claim that women choose abortion “should just give the baby to someone else.” They see it as that easy. I’ve found that if I have them read ONE post by a first mother about the pain of losing a child they change their position. I was surprised how dramatic was.
They have this picture of “the beautiful choice of adoption.” It turns out that it is a fragile bubble which can be broke, but it takes the right perspective.
I so very much appreciate your blog.
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i too am a prospective adoptive parent (we are saving money before starting the process) and yours was the first blog i had read from the other side of things. my thinking about adoption has been evolving constantly over the years we failed through infertility .. just like that emailer inferred, i too hadn’t much thought about the birth mother.. and i see now how much i was missing. i understand so much more about the whole package of adoption. reading blogs like yours definitely will help me be a better partner in the adoption process. years ago, when all of this started in my life i was sure i’d want a closed adoption.. looking back i can’t believe i felt that way. i see now how important the birth family is and how much i want to know them.. and for my child to know them. thank you for doing what you’re doing.
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I’m neither adoptee, adoptive parent, prospective adoptive parent, or natural parent. But I have many friends who are adoptees and adoptive parents, and right now I am interested in adoption “issues”, especially from an academic and policy perspective (I know, kind of heavy). I read your and other first mother blogs regularly. They have opened my eyes to a whole dimension of adoption that is hardly considered, especially where I live (in a developing country in the Caribbean). In fact right now in my country they are reviewing the adoption legislation. I had a conversation the other day with a very influential person who is on the task force conducting that review and it was clear from that conversation that they hadn’t even CONSIDERED the natural mother AT ALL in their deliberations. I then went on to make what I hope were a few salient points, and she asked me to write a short brief for her containing those points. There is a lot of bias against first mothers here in my country, mainly due to class prejudices, and also because of simple lack of knowledge of anything to do with first parent issues, mainly because noone has ever stopped or thought to consider them. I intend to pursue this matter as far as I possibly can, because I cannot imagine that they would do an entire overhaul of the legislation and not consider this aspect of the so-called adoption triad.
So… I know this is totally out of left field, you probably didn’t expect ANYTHING like this regarding how your blog has influenced people, but since you made this post (and the following one, about peace) I wanted to share with you that your blog has reached very very far, including outside of the United States, and could have very very far-reaching effects on worlds you probably have never even thought about.
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I feel the same as you. I like the fact that lives could be changed, because of my experience.
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