For nearly four years, I have touted the wonders of my therapist. She helped me manage my anxiety, find my way onto the footpath of healing and work toward keeping the peace that I have found. For all those things I will be eternally grateful. In fact, without those things I shudder to think where I might be today. I am thankful to be where I am today. Through her help and the help of those in my life, real and virtual, I am a pretty darn healthy mom, wife, friend daughter and so on now.
But I think I’m outgrowing my therapist.
When I initially sought her out, I made calls to all of the offices that our insurance covered. I asked the receptionist one question, “Does Dr. So-and-so have experience with birth parent grief and loss?” Most of them said, “What?” When I repeated my question, every single response was, “No.” Except for my particular therapist. The response was yes and so I scheduled an appointment. And I don’t regret it one bit.
I needed to learn how to process my grief. I needed to learn that the grief was not only acceptable but to be expected. I needed to learn how to properly communicate that grief so I didn’t lash out in misplaced anger. I needed to learn to be the mother that I am today and how my adoption journey played into my decision making process. Again, we had to work with my anxiety all through this process but I’ve come a long way!
She did know what she was doing and what she was talking about when it came to adoption related grief and loss. She knew what she was talking about when it came to familial issues. She knew what she was talking about when it came to anxiety, anger and many of the other things I’ve had to deal with over the past three and a half years.
But I think I’ve stumped her.
Open adoption is hard and tricky. No birth mother relinquishes her child with hopes that her child’s family will divorce. I’m lucky, or, rather, the Munchkin is lucky in that her stepdad (to-be in less than two weeks!) is pretty darn awesome. But no birth mother wants to receive nasty emails from someone in her daughter’s family. No birth mother wants to deal with that kind of drama. And no therapist really knows what to tell a birth mother enduring such things. Or, at least, my therapist doesn’t. She just had no idea what to say. She offered no encouragement this time. I ended up getting defensive in the end, defending our decision to continue with an open adoption even when things are tricky.
And it’s not like I can turn to our agency.
I’m on my own once again.
Do I bother seeking out another therapist in the area? Do I stick with someone who just told me, in more and varied words, that maybe open adoption was just too difficult? Why was it fine for me to continue putting in the legwork when I was the one having the emotional problems? Why am I just supposed to give up once the issues fall on their plate? I lost respect for my therapist this past week. In fact, I don’t feel like calling her my therapist anymore. I feel like calling her my Ex-Therapist.
I don’t know exactly what to do. The thought of not having someone as a resource kind of kicks my anxiety into high gear. While I haven’t needed regular medication in over two years, what if I do? What if I need something? Where will I turn then? And what about when the next issue comes up? Do I have enough in my own personal coping arsenal to calmly and appropriately work my way through the emotional fallout? I hope so. In fact, I think so. But not knowing so just pushes my anxiety into high gear and I then begin the whole series of questions all over again.
I don’t know the answers right now. And I’m trying to be okay with that… for now.
Ooh, that sounds really unpleasant. Do you have the kind of relationship with her where you can let her know how hurt you feel and deal with that, or is that not an option? It sounds so messy and painful, but I hope she realizes how unprofessional she was.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
Yes. But I’m just really confused where this sudden change in attitude came from. She’s been pro-open adoption until this last appointment. I don’t know where this came from!
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Yeeps. Not fun.
For some strange reason (and I could be totally off base) something in your post reminded me of my divorce and blending families and step coupling and coparenting with my ex and having to accept his nasty mother, girlfriends, etc. You MIGHT find some help or guidance in reviewing texts on coparenting through divorce. That sounds wierd. Let me explain..since your daughters afamily is divorcing, you are also “divorcing” and will be effected by that. Divorce effects everyone in the family constellation. Nasty behavior is one thing that happens in divorces (along with passive agressiveness, etc. )
There are some really good texts, books, therapists, etc. that talk to dealing with divorce – versus open adoption – and it might help.
Just an option.
Finally, if you leave the therapist, you should indeed let her know why. She needs to educate herself a bit more, me thinks.
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Twitter: firemom
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Divorce just stumps me in general. I’ve never personally dealt with it except by relation to my husband and his parents (divorced). I’ve never been a victim of nastiness or mudslinging or trying to figure out how to act around people. It’s quite confusing. Perhaps I could do some more reading.
I should probably explain to my husband ahead of time that the library books on divorce are NOT about him. lol
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I’m wondering if, in many cases, your therapist would normally tell a client to not continue contact with this person, even if the instance had nothing to do with open adoption. Of course, it makes it tricky because you want to maintain things with all parts of your daughter’s family, which is now much more complicated than even open adoption makes a family.
I know my therapist has said some things with regard to open adoption that have made me stop and think is he the right person to help me deal with the issues that come up because clearly we are NOT on the same page about openness in adoption. However, he has helped me tremendously in other ways, that I find it is worth continuing with him.
Not sure if this makes sense with the situation. But I think that maybe you need to walk through this some more with your therapist, rather than just giving up on her, since she HAS helped you over the last few years.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
She has also helped me tremendously in other ways but… I just don’t know what the sudden swing in attitude toward OA is all about.
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As a therapist specializing in grief, loss and life transitions, I know how important a good, trusting relationship between client and therapist is — it is truly a sacred bond. It sounds like you have that in many ways with your therapist, and I think it is important for you to express your doubts about her response to your open adoption situation. You can both then make an informed decision whether to continue to work together.
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Twitter: firemom
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I think I may go to my next appt (early Oct). At THIS point, I won’t be going into it with an open mind. Hopefully that changes before the appt.
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As someone who works in mental health, I would suggest that you first try to work this out with your therapist. She’s only human, and perhaps you caught her on a really bad day or just completely stumped her. If you tell her that closing the adoption isn’t an option and can work through other options with her, then I would think that your history together could continue to be very valuable. If she’s not willing to work through this with you, then yes, perhaps it is time to move on. But a second chance is probably in order. =)
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Twitter: firemom
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But I’m grumpy! ;)
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Jenna~ I am so sorry about all the things going on! I am certainly no expert at anything. . . but if you ever want to email me with anything–you are completely welcome too. Lord knows that I have learned so much from you that has helped me through some of our own power struggles, questions, and made me a better person for it. In the very beginning of our first adoption we were completely in the dark and confused as to what might be going on with our son’s birth mother and our agency was of no help when we asked for it. We sought the guidance from a counselor–picked solely because insurance covered it and he was available when our schedules fit. His advice was to “cut ties” with my son’s birth family. UHhhhhh. . . my mouth dropped. . . that wasn’t an option in my mind. I just wanted some help in trying how to make the relationship work. How we could help her without crossing those undefined boundaries. We love her–you don’t poop out on the people you love. We didn’t go back to him. We found someone who had experience working with birth mothers (by luck) and that was helpful. We grew out of her too. There are not enough therapists available out there with adoption experience–let alone “open adoption” which entails more than just pictures and letters. They just don’t have enough experience and seem to base their advice on a friend of a friend’s experience they heard from an aunt of the 2nd cousin who was probably just telling someone about movie she saw on Lifetime Movie Network. I do not know the depth of what is going on with your daughter’s family. . . but I imagine from your post that it is extremely complicated, heart wrenching, and confusing. Do not give up–ever–your daughter is worth every ounce of effort–I know you already know that. Trust your instincts. And don’t feel guilty if you decide not to go back to your therapist. Use your support (friends, family, etc.) for now and take your time finding someone else. You are the one paying for it and there is no reason you can’t talk to somebody else about it. People get “second opinions” all the time from doctors! Open adoption is difficult and often tricky and unfortunately, each one is unique in itself–so there never will be a universal answer. I’m angry at your therapist for saying that to you. . . and I am so very sorry! Please do let me know if there is anything I can ever do to help!
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Twitter: firemom
says:
Thank you for your support. I’m still trying to figure out how to proceed exactly. My next appointment isn’t until early October so I’ll figure it out… hopefully… before then!
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Maybe your therapist is giving you good advice that’s really hard to hear.
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Twitter: firemom
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Exactly how? In what world would it be a good idea to walk out of my daughter’s life because of her parents’ issues? What message does that send other than, “When the tough gets going, so do I?” Twice over.
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[...] Also, can someone comment to this person as to why walking away just because the “going is tough” isn’t an appropriate [...]
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Why you shouldn’t walk away?
Because on the other side of everything is a little girl that will one day want to know where her eyes came from, see her smile in another face and while so many adoptees struggle with feeling abandoned and different will know that even when the going got tough, her mom hung in there despite all the pain.
Hang in there, Jenna. I think that in the end, the pain with be worth it for you both.
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Ooooh, sigh.
I get it (I think). When it comes to adoption I am not very forgiving at all of therapists. Yeah, practically speaking, it is probably a good idea to tell the therapist your reaction and go from there…. see what her reaction is to YOUR reaction… and then decide.
But I know for me anyway that is hard to do especially when it comes to the adoption stuff.
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Twitter: Upstatemamma
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Under nor male circumstances in a forum such as this I would choose to ignore the comment about the therapist being right. Because, in truth, I know nothing of what it is like to live in an open adoption. However, since Jenna asked for some help in explaining and since I actually feel kind of strongly about this I am going to try.
Like I said I do not know much about open adoption. I do however know plenty about divorce. My parents are divorced and then my dad is divorced a second time from the mother of my younger brother and sister. Which means I know what divorce feels like from the inside and I know what it looks like from the outside. And anyway you slice it the kid gets a raw deal. Having a parent move out. Not really belonging in any one place. Feeling like your world has been shaken at its core. All the while never really being sure who will and who will not be there for you day in and day out. The child needs everyone to rally around them. So, if Jenna stops her contact and leaves the Munchkin to deal on her own then that will be just one more reason for her to have less faith in this world. No, what the Munchkin needs is for all the adults in her life to be there. To listen. To allow her to get angry. To all her to feel what she feels. To not sugar coat things. But most importantly to not abandon her. Divorce stinks and we can only help a child through it or make it worse by abandoning them.
Hope that was okay.
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