As part of a carnival with Grown in my Heart, I’m answering the non-question: What no one told me about adoption.
As I’m writing this on a visit, I can think of a million and one things. Basically, I wasn’t told anything about the realities of adoption. Nothing. Our agency did nothing to prepare us for the ins and outs of making an open adoption work. In fact, our agency did nothing to educate us as to what open adoption could or could not entail. They told us nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Who knew that I would one day be watching my daughter and her brother, alone in the house with them, while her mom and stepdad (as of yesterday) were out at their rehearsal evening dinner. I mean, who would have guessed that I’d be helping my daughter’s mom put her wedding favors together, almost five years after she helped me put my wedding favors together. These aren’t things you think of; there’s no way to plan for this kind of reality.
I could be jaded. Sometimes I am. But the fact is that, no, I wasn’t told anything. But we’ve made it work. We’ve made mistakes. I’ve had to eat humble pie and apologize on occasion. I’ll probably have to do so in the future.
All I know is this: no one told me it would be so hard. But no one told me it could be so wonderful. I live the reality of those two truths and I hope that by sharing those two truths, I will help others as they live their reality.
Agreed. Agreed, agreed, *AGREED*.
It is so wonderful, and sometimes tricky. It is hard and frustrating and also filled with love and laughter.
We wouldn’t change a single minute of the ups and downs, and are just so thankful that we get to HAVE these ups and downs.
Because without it, it seems that our life would miss some of it’s sparkle that Jay and her family embody. I just hope we bring them as much joy as they provide to us.
So glad the weekend went well. Munchkin is absolutely gorgeous.
XO,
Jen
Like this comment:
0
yes. Yes. YES.
Like this comment:
0
I was so joyed to see you with your daughter this weekend. I hope you had a fabulous time with her.
Like this comment:
0
You are indeed the lucky one! I hope you appreciate how very mucky you are and aware aware tht it is sheer luck – toss of the dice, if you will as yo whether you would have gotten such wonderful adoptive parents for your child who uphold the openness. Not everyone is that lucky.
MANY are lied to, deceived, and betrayed by their agencies and the adoptive parents. Perhaps you’d like to read some replies to this subject over at FamilyPreservation.blogspot.com
Like this comment:
0
Twitter: firemom
says:
Mirah; I don’t usually indulge your craziness but I feel that I finally need to say something. I have been nothing but transparent on this blog. I have detailed the unethical things my agency has done. I have reported them to the BBB, outed them here and on the agency review site and spoken out about them in adoption conferences. I continue to work to educate young mothers in my local area as well as on a national front. I am not your enemy and I would greatly appreciate if you would stop trolling my blog and others like mine. You are serving no purpose by harassing me, by belittling my story or by dismissing my experience. In fact, you’re doing more harm than good.
There is no world in which I want a child to be unnecessarily separated from his or her mother. There is also not a world in which I want to be subjected to nastiness for living my own unique story. Save it for someone who cares.
Like this comment:
0
Twitter: thiswomanswork
says:
Mirah, Jenna is such an important voice in open adoption. She is reasonable, realistic and never every tries to pretend that openness is an easy way out or free of ethical issues. Ever. She doesn’t gloss over her pain OR her joy. In the incredible (and unfortunately) divisive online world of adoption discussion, her voice is hugely important and her story matters. And you can’t tell her anything she doesn’t already know about the problems inherent in adoption.
Like this comment:
0
Having an open adoption that works has nothing to do with luck or fate. It has to do with commitment — on the parts of everyone involved. Every relationship — open adoption included — has its ups and downs and sticky situations… just like any relationship. Way to stick to your guns, Jenna!
Like this comment:
0
OK, I kind of messed up the above comment; I hope you get my meaning. Some agencies do a better job than others of preparing families for openness in adoption. For most of us (we have two open adoptions w/two different birth families), it’s on-the-job training.
Like this comment:
0
Jenna, this is beautifully said. Every time I read one of your posts, I’m blown away by your ability to explain the complexity of your adoption experience so clearly and with such honesty. Thank you.
Like this comment:
0