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I Ordered Christmas Pajamas Today

I’m on the ball this year. I’m very close (thisclose!) to being done with Christmas shopping for my two sons. I know what I’m purchasing for my husband. I need to find something very small that can be taken in a suitcase for the Munchkin’s birthday. I have just been on top of things this year. I greatly prefer this to the overwhelmed, postpartum depression laden self that I was last year which equated to a whole bunch of procrastination and general apathy for anything other than sitting on the couch and nursing my youngest son.

I mention the Christmas pajamas because I found a fabulous deal (though it’s still more than I like to pay for pajamas at $13.99) at JC Penney. Button up pajamas have a soft spot in my heart. They look like little old men in their button up jammies even if those same jammies have Santa Claus and reindeer. (Or, like my favorite pair of my oldest son’s button up jammies, bull frogs and bulldogs. Too fun!) I bought the boys their two pair of green Christmas jammies.

But they also had a pink pair that matched.

I really hate moments like this particular one. I was just shopping for Christmas jammies. In fact, it was on my mind because my husband works on Christmas Eve this year. We decided yesterday that he would take their Christmas Eve presents (jammies and a book) to the Fire Department with him that morning. We will stop after Christmas Eve service so that they boys can open their Christmas Eve presents with both of us. So, I was feeling all happy-snappy with our intelligent forethought and ordering the jammies this morning.

And bam! Adoption issues! In my face!

I’d really like to go shopping, online or in store, and not be reminded that I placed my only living daughter for adoption. I’d like to buy things like Christmas jammies or Halloween costumes without being reminded that there’s always something missing. Of course, I think that wish is all for naught as, really, I don’t ever stop thinking of her so why would I when doing something as simple as shopping. Right? Right.

I think all of this is in the front of my brain as of late due to the time of year. And the fact that I just turned down a potential visit. D invited us out to celebrate Halloween and JD’s birthday. Unfortunately, my husband is out of vacation days (and actually starts a new class that week). While I recently made the trip out there by myself for D’s wedding, I don’t feel particularly “up” to taking both boys by myself on the turnpike. (I loathe the Pennsylvania turnpike. I also owe them $28.00 for screwing up an EZ Pass on the previously mentioned trip.) I have no problem driving 80 by myself but the turnpike hates me as much as I hate it. Alone with two boys makes it three times as worse. Did I mention that my night vision has been deteriorating horribly? I’m a mess.

Thankfully, D understood and, as it happened, their plans changed anyway. But still, I had to send the initial, “I’m sorry, we can’t do it,” email without knowing that their plans had changed. Turning down a visit is a strange thing. I was so insanely glad to have been invited. I remember lamenting that we never had a Halloween together. I felt it keenly again this year when a catalog arrived in the mail with a little girl dressed as Dorothy on the front pulling a wagon with a Scarecrow and a Lion smiling at me on the front cover. This year, while initially intending to have them dress as firefighters, the boys are going as Buzz Lightyear and Woody. So, of course, we’re missing a Jessie. (Whereas last year they were Sebastian and Flounder and we were missing an Ariel.) It felt weird to admit my personal limitations and say no to this visit, one I have dreamed about before. It’s hard at times to find the balance of being a present birth mother and being the mother in this immediate family unit. When do I put her above my needs or my parented kids’ needs? When do I put my parented kids’ needs above her? Above my own? Where is this balance and how do I find it? These are rhetorical questions as I think I do an okay job. I’ve made mistakes over the years as have my daughter’s adoptive parents in trying to find this particular balance. I think we’re in an okay place right now, being honest about our own immediate family needs with finding a way to incorporate the need(s) for our children to interact and to be present in one another’s lives.

It’s just difficult at times to say no when you really, really want to say yes.

And so, you see, even an event as simple as finding Christmas pajamas on sale turns out to be a big trip down the self-inspection highway. I just needed two pair of matching Christmas pajamas. Suddenly I found myself doubting my decisions and so deeply missing my daughter.

And it’s not even Christmas morning yet.