2009 October » The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Oct 152009

She’d be almost three.

She was not intended, not expected. Her sudden, painful loss shook us both. Neither my husband nor I knew what to do with the knowledge that we had created a life we would never hold. We’d never hear her laughter. Never chase her through the leaves on a beautiful fall day. No memories other than that physical loss, the physical pain.

I read over some quotes about miscarriage today. I don’t like any of them. Nothing seems to say what I feel, how it feels to remember a child that I never held. Some people expect, since we weren’t trying to conceive and didn’t intend to get pregnant with our Rose that we didn’t love her, that we should somehow be glad that she left us so quickly. I never understood this line of thinking; I have loved all of my children from the moment I found out about their existence. How could I not? I don’t blame people for thinking this way but I always find myself being defensive. I have always loved and will always love the lot of my children, wherever they may be.

Perhaps, more than a quote, the song “I Will Remember You” works for me on days like today, days like her due date that was never reached, days like the day we found out about her and lost her all in the same quick breath.

I will remember you
Will you remember me
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories.

Still other people have said things like, “Well your younger son wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for that loss.” Not necessarily. We got pregnant shortly after Rose’s due date. I couldn’t bring myself to try to conceive during the nine months that should have belonged to her. On her due date, I gave it all up, weeping with fear over being ready, physically and emotionally. Was it too soon to be ready? I don’t know. I do know that I was guarded, so guarded, while I was pregnant with our youngest son. I was so afraid, for so long, that we’d lose him if I took a sideways breath or drank a cup of tea. I don’t know who would and who would not be here. I do know that we chose not to let our life pass us by. We celebrate the moments we have with our boys, with the Munchkin. But there are moments, like today, when we remember all that we lost that day, that very long week.

I still don’t know why I have experienced this particular loss. I do know that I will be thinking of my friends and family who have experienced pregnancy and infant losses on this particular day. We’ll be lighting a candle tonight for our Rose, for all of the babies who have left us far too soon.

I will remember.

Truth in Encouragement

Adoption, in General, Single Parenting 2 Responses »

Oct 142009

A truth:

“Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.” -Mark Victor Hansen

I always find it interesting that when my husband and I were contemplating when to add a second child under our roof, people often told us, “There’s no perfect time.” It’s true, of course. If you wait for the perfect time to have a child or add another one to your family, you’ll be waiting forever. In fact, two months after we conceived our younger son, our older son started throwing horrible tantrums (never having done so before). We thought, “OH NO! What did we DO?!”

What’s more interesting, however, is that no one gave me that quote when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with the Munchkin. It was, quite obviously, not the perfect time for two lines to appear on that stick. Life was hard. I was young. The father didn’t want to be involved and was quite angry with me at the time. I was scared. And then my health went down the tubes. “Not the perfect time” may be a slight understatement. It may be a huge understatement.

But no one gave me those comforting, encouraging words.

Everyone talked about giving her a better life, more than I had. I realize that these two particular situations are, to the naked eye, vastly different. With the decision to add another child to our family, my husband and I were financially secure, living in a home that we owned and, well, married. The last point is why I think people weren’t so quick to offer this bit of encouragement when I was pregnant with the Munchkin.

We can pretend we’re a civilization that embraces the single mother, one that celebrates her when she chooses to carry a pregnancy to term. But unless she has a ring on her finger, the celebration is short-lived. We still want to push it under the rug. We look away or we shoot daggers. I know we do those things. I was the recipient of nasty glares and, from others, the inability to make eye contact; eyes darting from my belly to my left ring finger and back again. Prior to finding myself wearing shoes that fit too tightly due to swollen ankles and feet, I had given those looks, avoided eye contact and generally passed the same judgment. Life is funny. I learned my lesson. Will society?

I find pleasure in telling young and not-so-young expectant mothers this quote, this bit of encouragement. There is no perfect time. You can always pull yourself up by your maternity pants and make the most of a difficult situation. It’s the truth. I wish more people were spreading that truth.

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