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Open Adoption Roundtable: Birthdays

A large number of questions have been posed regarding the topic of birthdays and open adoption for this installation of Open Adoption Roundtable. As soon as someone mentions birthdays in relation to the subject of open adoption, I’m instantly transported to Munchkin’s first birthday party. I was so young (relatively speaking) and so inexperienced with being a public birth mother. It was an emotional disaster.

To the questions:

What do you/your family do to integrate open adoption and birthday celebrations?

Not as much as we used to do. That comes with the fact that Munchkin is now in elementary school and, as such, can’t miss school on a whim. Driving out here for the boys’ birthday party isn’t really an option as, most often, it falls on a Sunday. Similarly, I haven’t made it out for the Munchkin’s birthday party in a few years due to scheduling conflicts. My Christmas concert regularly falls on her birthday. While our concert has been canceled this year, she’s heading off to Disney World for her birthday (WOO!) so I won’t be with her this year either. We send gifts as time and money allow. It works for us right now.

What do you wish you would see in future birthday celebrations re: involvement with your child’s adoptive parents/birth parents?

Would I love to be with the Munchkin on her birthday? Yes! Would I love if the Munchkin was with the boys at their joint party or even on their individual birthdays, one week apart? Yes! Do I understand that time, distance, work, life and scheduling don’t permit for that year in and year out? Most definitely. If I’ve learned anything by parenting these two children while working full time from home and part-time in the office now and dealing with my husband’s erratic-but-stable-at-the-same-time fire schedule, it’s that you can’t always make plans work for everyone. I have people in my family who are currently angry with me because I didn’t send out the invites (that I made) for the boys’ joint birthday party. I had the swine flu followed by a respiratory infection and was out of commission for twelve days. So sue me. I’ve learned through life lessons such as that one that things aren’t perfect even when you try to plan for them to be. Life goes on.

Do you have an open adoption agreement that requires contact on/around birthdays? [Combined with:] How does that agreement affect you? Do you wish it were different? Do you wish that you did have an agreement that requires such contact?

No. Legally binding open adoption agreements don’t exist in Pennsylvania, the state in which I relinquished. That said, I have far more than yearly pictures and letters so it’s not a particular disadvantage that we don’t have a standing agreement.

If you do not have contact around birthdays, do you do something private to honor birthdays?

Of course! I buy cupcakes for the Munchkin’s birthday, just like I buy cupcakes for the boy(s) to take to school. And then I take pictures of them because that’s what I do! Here are last year’s cupcakes:

That said, I wish our concert was taking place this year. I find that I function better on her birthdays that we are apart when I am ridiculously busy. With nothing to occupy my thoughts this year, I’m nervous that it will be a difficult day.

We were also asked to share anything else that we thought was important. And so, here I go.

Her birthday is an extremely difficult day for me. It’s a day filled with flashbacks of labor, the horrid hospital experience and those first initial days of childless motherhood. My moods fluctuate greatly on her birthday and I am blessed with a husband who understands what I am going through and allows me to grieve as I need. I miss her, viscerally, on her birthday. And yet, at the same time, I find it so very difficult to be present on her birthday or attend her birthday parties. On the one hand, it’s great to be in her presence any chance I can get. On the other hand, taking a sideline as a non-parent at a birthday party for a child that is mine is a weird feeling. No, I’m not her mom. I am, however, the reason she’s celebrating a birthday. I am, however, active in her life and love her from tippy-top curl to the bottoms of her toes. It’s just weird to step back and watch everyone else celebrate and feel somehow disconnected even though I’m quite present.

I don’t cry all day on her birthday. I don’t hate the day. It’s just a difficult day. I celebrate her existence for she is, of course, the most awesome little girl on the planet. But on all of those core levels, things hurt. My heart is heavy. My mind is on overdrive. And I miss her so intensely that physical parts of my being hurt.

Birthdays are probably the hardest day of my yearly adoption journey. And yet, at the same time, I welcome them for they mean that my beautiful daughter is another year older. It means that I’ve spent another year getting to know her in various ways. It means that I get to celebrate her presence in my life. I can ignore the general melancholy of the day for the most part if I know that my daughter has remained in my life for yet another year.

And perhaps that’s all that needed to be said.