I’ve been thinking a lot about the things that have been said regarding whether or not it is appropriate for birth parents to share any regret with the (adoptive) parents of their child(ren). I couldn’t find the appropriate words yesterday as I was quite miffed at a particular comment or two on Dawn’s blog. I couldn’t figure out why I was so put off by the whole “It’s fine if she feels that way but I don’t want to hear it” attitude.

Until it hit me: what relationship could withstand such blatant disrespect?

Example: You’ve been through something with your best friend. She wants to talk about it. It makes you uncomfortable. You reply, “You know, it’s fine that you feel that way but I really don’t care to hear your side of it. Please don’t bring it up again.” Your best friend thinks, “What the…” and moves on. I use a friend in this scenario because people freak out when I dare to compare an open adoption relationship to that of a marriage but you can substitute the best friend for just about any relationship which you care for, cherish and nurture.

Or is that the problem? Are we not caring for, cherishing and nurturing our open adoption relationships? Are we pushing them off as something we have to do instead of something that we can benefit from? Instead of something we want to do? A requirement to fulfill a contract instead of something we have chosen to do because it is good and right?

I know the answer. You don’t have to answer it for me.

I’m not saying I call D up every time I feel overwhelmed with emotion. I’m also not saying that she should carry my burden. She is not my therapist. Nor am I her therapist. I bring up that point, that I am not her therapist, because everyone keeps talking, back and forth, about all the issues that birth parents have and I just want to scream, “WHAT ABOUT ALL OF YOU ADOPTIVE PARENTS WHO ARE IGNORING YOUR OWN ISSUES(**)?” That’s right. In caps lock. Adoptive parents may not be regretting the actual adoption of their child (though some do) but they have their own triggers, their own stumbling blocks, their own problems. I want to know what is troubling D because she is a friend, a fellow woman, a mother whose opinion I trust and the mother of my daughter. I want to know that she is okay, that she is seeking the appropriate help when things are not okay and what I can do to help. I acknowledge that I can’t do much sometimes other than listen, just as she does for me. Her issues are not always easy for me to understand just as I know she struggles sometimes with mine.

But we keep supporting one another as friends to because we care about one another.

I guess I’m just absolutely flabbergasted as to the narrow-minded attitude that permeates so much of the adoption world. Why on Earth would you not want to know how the other party felt about things that connected the two of you? The things that brought you together. Why wouldn’t you want to know that the other party was processing something, pushing through the hard stuff and working toward an emotional resolution? Why wouldn’t you want to be able to offer a word of comfort or encouragement if it was well within your ability? Why wouldn’t you want to share any wisdom you have learned from your own trials, tribulations and triumphs? Why why why why why?

I can’t imagine any relationship ever surviving if it was a total one-sided ordeal. If I wasn’t “allowed” to share my feelings or if I was told that sharing them didn’t matter, well, I’d be angry. I don’t know how I would survive a relationship like that before I had to say something. My heart breaks for any birth parent enduring such a one-sided relationship.

As a side note, I hope that birth parents realize how absolutely vital a good therapist can be during those years of break-neck healing. There’s no way that D could have helped me through the hardest emotions that I dealt with during my darkest months/years. I needed someone outside of the relationship to help me along. I kept her informed, when I was ready to discuss any given issue, but without my therapist, I would have gone about the sharing in wrong ways as well. Yet another perfect example of why reform is needed in adoption. I paid for that therapist on my own. I’m lucky enough that I had that money. What about the others that the adoption industry is letting slip through the cracks? Who do they then have to turn to?

Exactly.

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** = (I use a generalization there because birth parents were generalized in the above linked post. Tit for tat. If you’re not ignoring your issues, kudos. Keep on keepin’ on.)