Open Adoption Roundtable 11: Holidays

Part of Open Adoption Roundtable 11.

The holidays are hard for me to even bother considering right now, this week, as the Munchkin’s birthday looms heavy on the horizon. These two topics, birthdays and holidays, are so deeply twined together in my psyche that I wonder if I can fully separate them or, really, if I ever want to do such a thing.

The Munchkin was due on Christmas Eve. I worked so hard to keep her safe and healthy until 38 weeks, 2 days when she was delivered at a healthy 7 pounds, 9 ounces. It snowed that night. The maternity ward was decorated for Christmas. The first pictures I received of the Munchkin were of her with her new family, celebrating both her birth and the holidays. No, I don’t think I can separate the holidays from her birthday.

I sing every Christmas Eve at our church. It’s part of who I am. It’s what I do. I don’t know why as the added stress always ends up making me sick by Christmas Eve, thus making my voice sound hoarse. But I do it. I’ve been practicing my song this week. I can’t sing the last verse. Or, rather, I can’t sing the last verse without tears coming to my eyes and my heart doing a strange contraction-explosion thing. I’m singing “A Baby Changes Everything,” recorded by Faith Hill. (I am not pretending to be Faith Hill. Ever.) If you are not familiar with the song, you should have a listen.

(Weirdly, I’m wearing red and black on Christmas Eve. I’ve never watched this video. Weird.)

The song itself concludes with this beautiful gem:

“My whole life was turned around
I once was lost but now I’m found
A baby changes everything…
A baby changes everything.”

And I plan to sing this on what was her due date, six years later. Sometimes I sign myself up for these really spectacular challenges of faith and peace and healing, don’t I? Nothing like forcing myself into a public place and putting my heart out there for all the world to see. I didn’t even really understand all I was signing up for when I chose this particular song. It fit my range. It was Christmas-y. The lyrics were pretty. Then I began practicing. Then I began crying. Such is my life, I think.

So, you see, I can’t really separate the holidays from her birthday. I don’t think I’m meant to when I really think about it deeply. My whole life was turned around. A baby did change everything. In so many ways. In so many glorious, challenging, heart-breaking, encouraging, devastating, uplifting ways. She was my own little Christmas miracle, delivered to me a little bit early. She will always remain that in my heart.

And she cries…