Primal Wound Book Tour

I signed up for the Primal Wound book tour not realizing when the post dates would be. There is absolutely no world in which I want to think about possible irreparable damage that I may or may not have caused my daughter by relinquishing her… on her birthday. But, it wasn’t my decision and here we are.

I had paged through The Primal Wound in the past but I had never read through it in its entirety. It was a hard read. It was a very hard read. I believe, in some ways, it was a necessary read. But it was a hard read. And the fact that it was so hard and the fact that it is the Munchkin’s birthday just meld together to make me angry today. Thrilling.

Here are three questions I decided to answer.

If you had read this book as you were making your decision, how might this information have changed your decision-making process? Not necessarily the outcome (which you may or may not have regrets about) but the thoughts that went into the decision to place.

I don’t know. I hate questions like these. The “What If” game is so absolutely useless. To be honest, my unethical agency was never going to offer this book to me. I had no access to the Internet to learn about this book and I was on bed rest, unable to go to a library to find this book. I don’t know how it would have landed in my lap. If it had, I probably would have written it off as mumbo-jumbo. I mean, everyone in my life was telling me that adoption was fantastic! And wonderful! And the right thing! For all! Involved! I don’t know if I could have taken this book seriously without the added knowledge that I have gleaned over the past six years from others’ blogs, forum posts and discussions when I have spoken in public. It is through their voices and the acceptance of my own experience that I can even remotely begin to understand this book. And that, of course, is why I can’t answer the question fully. I can’t say what I would have done if I had been presented with all of the information simply because I wasn’t presented with even a fraction of it at the time.

Moving on.

On page 92 Verrier writes, “Birthmothers also have a sense of loyalty to that lost child. There is a high rate of secondary infertility among them (perhaps as high as 40%). Those who never conceive again say things such as: “I couldn’t be unfaithful to him. I have a hard time even holding my little nephew.” For me personally, (as a birthmother), I felt the exact opposite. I feel as though, in a way, I’ve been holding my breath since giving up my baby girl years ago, just waiting until the day when I could have another baby and get to keep her this time. (Which is what finally happened this year!) For the other birthmothers, did you relate to this statement? What has your personal experience been in terms of pregnancy and motherhood post relinquishment? Both in terms of what path you’ve taken and your feelings about it?

Fertility is such a weird thing. A fickle, angry, shameful thing sometimes. I can’t tell you why some birth mothers have experienced secondary fertility. I do believe that the theory may have some truth. But anyone who has dealt with fertility issues and been told, “It’s all in your head,” knows how freaking annoying that theory can feel. I wonder if some birth mothers didn’t avoid having children for fear of being treated as poorly as they were the first time around. Similarly, I’ve been asked if I(we) had children so quickly because we were trying to fill a void. In my specific case, I can honestly say no. Due to my health issues, we were told that we needed to have kids as soon as possible. So, we did. I thought I was ready, emotionally, to parent a child or children everyday until it was my reality. I had the very rude awakening that I had many adoption related issues that I had not even thought to start working on. I started therapy just after my first son was born. I still deal with issues (overprotective, helicopter parenting and fear… lots of it) but I’m in a good place now.

Of course, the agency told me that I could go on to have kids later, when I was ready. What the agency didn’t tell me was the statistic in this book. Nor did they discuss what my health problems, discovered during my pregnancy with the Munchkin, meant for my future fertility. Nor did they bring up the fact that birth mothers aren’t immune from things like miscarriages. I was just told that it would be okay. I’m lucky that my health held out and that we have two healthy boys and only one lost to miscarriage. We’re lucky despite their lack of truth.

Moving on.

At the time I surrendered my children I had to believe that adoption was in the best interest of my children. I would deal with the pain and the loss but adoption was the best thing for them. If I hadn’t done my own healing work I think my guilt would have intensified after reading this book. What about the mothers that haven’t had the opportunity to heal. How do you introduce them to the concept of a primal wound and its lifelong implications without causing more anguish and pain to a mother who had no choice?

You can’t. I know quite a few birth mothers who won’t ever accept anything this book has to say about the not-so-happy side of adoption. There are some who absolutely need to keep the world of adoption a happy place with storybook endings. I get that. I do. I mean, even in my world, I don’t want an unhappy ending to our story. But I don’t think anyone can be forced to read a book like this before they’re ready and somehow magically glean a new way of looking at the adoption industry. I think you have to be ready. I mean, I’m six years into this journey, have worked very hard on my healing, push for ethical reform and I just read the book. It’s not an easy book. It’s just not. I’m glad I read it though I feel mostly helpless at this stage in the game. I can’t change anything that’s been done. This book, having been written for a different generation with different rules, offers no direction for me. What am I, a birth mother in open adoption, supposed to do? How am I supposed to handle all of this? I recognize that openness doesn’t magically erase everything.

But WHAT am I supposed to do?

And that’s what I’m left with… today… on her birthday. Again, I’m glad I participated but today I just need to curl up with my family, gorge on some cupcakes and cry a little bit. I’ve had enough thinking for today. I’ll be back tomorrow on the Birth Parent blog over at AdoptionBlogs with three more questions. Maybe tomorrow will be easier. This was beyond difficult today. Beyond difficult. I know that the idea was to visit others’ in the book tour but, I’m sorry. I cannot. Maybe tomorrow. Though, again, maybe not.

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.