I’ve been thinking a lot about the things that have been said regarding whether or not it is appropriate for birth parents to share any regret with the (adoptive) parents of their child(ren). I couldn’t find the appropriate words yesterday as I was quite miffed at a particular comment or two on Dawn’s blog. I couldn’t figure out why I was so put off by the whole “It’s fine if she feels that way but I don’t want to hear it” attitude.
Until it hit me: what relationship could withstand such blatant disrespect?
Example: You’ve been through something with your best friend. She wants to talk about it. It makes you uncomfortable. You reply, “You know, it’s fine that you feel that way but I really don’t care to hear your side of it. Please don’t bring it up again.” Your best friend thinks, “What the…” and moves on. I use a friend in this scenario because people freak out when I dare to compare an open adoption relationship to that of a marriage but you can substitute the best friend for just about any relationship which you care for, cherish and nurture.
Or is that the problem? Are we not caring for, cherishing and nurturing our open adoption relationships? Are we pushing them off as something we have to do instead of something that we can benefit from? Instead of something we want to do? A requirement to fulfill a contract instead of something we have chosen to do because it is good and right?
I know the answer. You don’t have to answer it for me.
I’m not saying I call D up every time I feel overwhelmed with emotion. I’m also not saying that she should carry my burden. She is not my therapist. Nor am I her therapist. I bring up that point, that I am not her therapist, because everyone keeps talking, back and forth, about all the issues that birth parents have and I just want to scream, “WHAT ABOUT ALL OF YOU ADOPTIVE PARENTS WHO ARE IGNORING YOUR OWN ISSUES(**)?” That’s right. In caps lock. Adoptive parents may not be regretting the actual adoption of their child (though some do) but they have their own triggers, their own stumbling blocks, their own problems. I want to know what is troubling D because she is a friend, a fellow woman, a mother whose opinion I trust and the mother of my daughter. I want to know that she is okay, that she is seeking the appropriate help when things are not okay and what I can do to help. I acknowledge that I can’t do much sometimes other than listen, just as she does for me. Her issues are not always easy for me to understand just as I know she struggles sometimes with mine.
But we keep supporting one another as friends to because we care about one another.
I guess I’m just absolutely flabbergasted as to the narrow-minded attitude that permeates so much of the adoption world. Why on Earth would you not want to know how the other party felt about things that connected the two of you? The things that brought you together. Why wouldn’t you want to know that the other party was processing something, pushing through the hard stuff and working toward an emotional resolution? Why wouldn’t you want to be able to offer a word of comfort or encouragement if it was well within your ability? Why wouldn’t you want to share any wisdom you have learned from your own trials, tribulations and triumphs? Why why why why why?
I can’t imagine any relationship ever surviving if it was a total one-sided ordeal. If I wasn’t “allowed” to share my feelings or if I was told that sharing them didn’t matter, well, I’d be angry. I don’t know how I would survive a relationship like that before I had to say something. My heart breaks for any birth parent enduring such a one-sided relationship.
As a side note, I hope that birth parents realize how absolutely vital a good therapist can be during those years of break-neck healing. There’s no way that D could have helped me through the hardest emotions that I dealt with during my darkest months/years. I needed someone outside of the relationship to help me along. I kept her informed, when I was ready to discuss any given issue, but without my therapist, I would have gone about the sharing in wrong ways as well. Yet another perfect example of why reform is needed in adoption. I paid for that therapist on my own. I’m lucky enough that I had that money. What about the others that the adoption industry is letting slip through the cracks? Who do they then have to turn to?
Exactly.
_
** = (I use a generalization there because birth parents were generalized in the above linked post. Tit for tat. If you’re not ignoring your issues, kudos. Keep on keepin’ on.)
Thank you so much for putting into words what I have been struggling to say since I first started following this whole saga.
I just don’t get people sometimes, yanno?
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Twitter: firemom
says:
I couldn’t figure out why it was bothering me either until I really sat and thought about it. I probably could have been more eloquent but I’m just glad that I got it out!
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It also struck me that someone that is not willing to hear the pain of the first parents may also not be willing to hear the childs pain. If they shut down others, largely becuase they want to shut down themselves, what prevents them from doing the same the shared child?
I agree with you. Chances are pretty good that a adoptive parent that doesnt want to hear the first moms pain or challenges doesnt want to hear anything negative. They dont want to look at their own shadow, their own and dont want to be reminded that it exists by staring into the face of someone who does look at theirs.
I was married to a man who never dealt with his grief and loss of his sister at a young age. When I started to deal with my own grief, find my daughter, he went ballistic. Told me I was being ridiculous, should get over it, move on. Reality was he was not necessarily running from MY pain but rather the reflection of his own in mine.
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Thank you so much for writing this. It really cleared up what was nagging at me too.
This is not adoption-related, but years and years ago as I was leaving the abusive relationship that I’d been in, I tried to tell my mother something about it and said, “You know, it was abusive and it’s really upsetting me now to think about –” and she cut me off to say that I was putting her through enough already and she couldn’t handle hearing anything about it. We’d had plenty of problems before that (which was why I hadn’t talked to her about it previously) but she knows that I never entirely recovered from that. I hadn’t connected that experience to Susie’s or to some of the other comments, but I think it fits pretty well, even though of course my mother knew me better and more deeply than participants in an adoption do. It’s just so alienating and so sad, and this post totally nailed that.
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WORD. That is all.
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Twitter: Upstatemamma
says:
What an incredibly ignorant point of view. (oh – not yours!!! The one you wrote about, obviously!!) Personally, I wish with all my heart I could know how the women who carried, cared for and then gave birth to my children feel tonight. And, quite honestly, while I hope and pray (yes, I pray for them every night) that they are happy, that they have everything they want in life, I am not sure I believe that can ever be true. I know that no little girl dreams that she will one day give birth to and than give up her baby. So, I continue to pray because what else can I do?
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I want to know everything. . . absolutely everything.
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Twitter: thecindylorrain
says:
yeah… I totally hear you on all of that.
To tell you the truth, I have had the issue you describe with my closest friend.
She cannot handle my grief in the issue of being a first mom.
I have also had this very issue with my sons adoptive parents.
I took down my blog because they were extremly ‘hurt’ that I feel sad about placing my son.
Apparently they took my feelings so personally they could not stand the thought of me continuing to express them. They only found my blog by accident, BTW, I did not mean for them to find it.
They(adoptive parents) stated in no uncertain terms that the fact that they love him so much and have given him so so so much that I should be completely absolved any negative feelings.
Close friends and family members have stated to me things along those same lines.
I should not miss my son, or feel sad about not being his mom because I know he is loved and having a honestly ‘good life’ as far as I know.
I have tried therapy, they have not been helpful.
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I don’t know if my comments were some of the ones that put you off, but if so, I’d like to say that it I think what I was saying was misinterpreted.
I wasn’t saying that I would tell my son’s mother “hey, that’s your problem, I can’t deal with it” or that I want to live in la-la land and not believe she has regrets. I don’t know my son’s mom, as she did not choose open adoption, but I believe 100% she has regrets, that any woman would, and I assume that she feels regular and painful reminders of her loss. I don’t think “Oh, no, if I hear this, I will have to face the fact that she wishes she was raising her son” I’m already operating from that perspective–that she wishes something about the situation had been different, so that she would not be separated from her child.
I’m not in rainbows and unicorns land, I’m already very sad for him, and for his mom. If knowing more details about her sadness will make me sadder– for her, for him– why is that a good thing?
I think it’s different than shutting down a best friend who is talking about something you’ve been through (past tense) together, because the adoption is ongoing. Also, being best friends is a relationship that can be ended voluntarily by either party, and if that relationship is causing one of the participants a lot of pain, both parties have the freedom to step away.
First mom/adoptive mom is a permanent relationship that will be ongoing whether or not the participants are finding it beneficial, and whether or not openness is maintained. The relationship won’t end just because one person walks away. Assuming both parties went into it believing openness was in the best interest of the child, my first goal would be to make the relationship sustainable, and that would include knowing my limits and being honest about them.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
Mia; I likened it to the best friend relationship because people usually flip out when I compare it to the permanency of a marriage. Marriage is something chosen and sometimes involves children. However, people just flip out when I compare the two.
My question is why are we so scared to experience, deal with and work on what makes us sad? Why should we disallow information sharing on what makes those we care about sad? What good does ignoring it do? You can tell me that you care but if you don’t really want to understand or accept my sadness, you don’t really care. And that’s the point.
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I guess I don’t see there only being two choices: 1) processing this sadness with her or 2) ignoring it. I see a third way, which is understanding and acknowledging that it’s painful and that you need to process it, but knowing that I can’t be the one to process it with her.
I don’t advocate shying away from sadness or talking about sadness in general. But as the adoptive mom, I can’t ever be just a witness or a listening ear, I’m also a participant in what’s causing the pain. To me, it seems more respectful to say “That’s more than I can bear” than to invite her to share, knowing it won’t help and may hurt, if I can’t respond the way she wants or needs.
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sorry, that should say “she needs to process it” not “you”.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
Unless you acted unethically, you are not causing her pain. If you did, that’s your own cross to bear. I amend that statement to say that you’re not causing her pain if you didn’t act unethically AND you are keeping all of your promises. Apologies for the need to amend.
It sounds as though you need to work on some of your own guilt issues and figure out how your existence isn’t the cause of the pain. If she is saying that, she needs to do a lot of work to get to the point where she is able to separate parties and blame. If she’s not saying that and you’re feeling it, you need to ask yourself why.
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My son’s mom did not choose open adoption, and we adopted from foster care, so I’m speaking hypothetically. In my comment on Dawn’s post, I mentioned that my answer (to Susie’s question) was different than I thought it would be, if my son’s adoption became open. I don’t feel guilty for causing his mom pain, as I wasn’t involved in any way in her decision to place him into care. However, I would have feelings about being part of a situation that is painful for her on an ongoing basis. The feelings would not be guilt, they would be sorrow.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
It’s amazing, then, that you have the answers to tell everyone else they’re doing it wrong when you’re not even living it. My favorite kind of expert.
There’s a difference between “having feelings” about being in a situation that is painful for someone else and not wanting to know about that pain. I don’t even think you are sure what you’re saying anymore.
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Who is “everyone else?” I don’t tell anyone they were doing anything wrong–my original comment was that I was surprised I might also say no to a request like Susie’s, and why. I certainly didn’t proclaim myself an expert — other than about how I might feel.
Whether or not to live an open adoption wasn’t my choice, and you’re right that I’m not living it. My interest in OA stems from the idea that I one day could be. My son’s adoption is still pretty young. His mom has our info and I understand that people’s feelings and circumstances can change over time. If she wanted to open the adoption at some point, I’d want to be well versed in how to go forward. Even without her participation, I think hearing/reading people involved in open adoption helps me learn about how to keep openness *about* adoption in my son’s life.
And I am sure what I am saying; I am saying I would not want his mom to share particulars about what is hard about the adoption, because it would make me sad,too. You can think I’m wrong that hearing her would make me sad, or you can think I’m wrong to let my sadness be the deciding factor, but there’s nothing unclear about it.
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I think there might be an idea floating around out there that the pain/sorrow/regret/what have you cannot be shared with the adoptive parents because the adoptive parents have the child, and so if they felt that pain it could impact the child, and that is not acceptable–the birthmom can sit alone and be sad. Of course, when the birthmom goes on to raise children, or is married, then her pain *can* impact other people even when unshared.
I know this isn’t the whole story, and isn’t what many/most adoptive parents are thinking, but I do think it exists, and it bugs me.
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I haven’t talked to any other adoptive parents about this, but speaking for myself, I would wish and hope the birth mom was not sitting alone with her feelings–ideally, she’d have good friends, family, a therapist, support groups, whatever would work best for her as an individual. But yeah, I know that not all moms have those support systems and that not having them may be a significant factor in the fact that the mom is placing the child in the first place.
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