My life has been making all kinds of interesting twists and turns over the past… well, forever. More specifically, however, my life has been making some very specific career twists and turns. As you might recall, I’m working out of the home (very) part-time now as a newspaper photographer. And people keep contacting me for freelancing gigs.
And then there’s that book thing.
Yes, Dawn outed me/us today because she’s insane. Maybe not insane. Maybe she’s less scared than me. I would have been perfectly content to be ten thousand kinds of vague in my request for interviews and the like over the next few months. Why? A few reasons come to mind. One of them is a huge fear of failure (which I’m learning goes away when you believe in yourself; WHO KNEW!). Another reason is because being vague and cryptic creates suspense! Right? Lastly, as I said to Dawn, now I actually have to work instead of sitting over here eating bon-bons as I do.
Oh wait. That last point might not be valid.
Short run down: we’re writing a book. About adoption. Not about our adoptions and the specifics of our open adoption relationships because, well, memoirs are kind of hard to sell right now because there’s one about every thing under the sun right now. (That said I’m reading a fabulously written memoir right now (because I do adore the genre) about death and infidelity and betrayal. It uses cuss words but ohsoappropriately. This particular memoir makes me glad that we’re not writing a memoir because there’s absolutely no way that I would want my memoir writing compared to hers because, really, it’s that good. Perfection: A Memoir of Betrayal and Renewal
We’ve been kicking around ideas for a couple of months now. When I was brought into the fold of this project, I was surprised that Delia knew who I was and, as such, I have a word of advice for anybody who aspires to write anything. Ever.
Blog. And blog well. Because you never know who is reading your blog.
All of this feels overwhelming and wonderful and scary and exciting and tedious and thrilling. I think it’s incredibly wonderful, dorky and technologically awesome that we’re utilizing Google Wave to keep track of ideas, interviews, topics, chapters and all that other stuff. I am always amazed at how truly lucky I am to be alive in this current “day” of “stuff.” Sure, it’s overwhelming. Sure, it creates challenges that didn’t exist before all of this “stuff” existed. But, man, sometimes things really work together to make aspects of my life/our lives easier. The argument, of course, then comes into play whether all of this “stuff” has made the publishing industry fall on its doopa but, well, as my grandma says about falling on your doopa: you can always get back up, sometimes you just have to find another way to do so.
I have no idea where this specific journey will take me. I do know that my house is messy, my laundry needs washed, my husband fought a late night fire and is exhausted and I can’t walk in heels. That’s about it right now. Those bits of knowledge aside, I’m loving the encouragement that has been sent to me via twitter today. I just read through everything after returning from an impromptu shopping trip with my boys and my mother-in-law. The retail therapy and the encouragement make me feel ready to conquer the world.
Kind of.
I think it’s amazing that you’re even thinking of writing this book. I can’t think of a better person and I can’t wait to read it!
(hugs)
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I have enjoyed reading your chronicles about open adoption. Ours is considered a semi-open adoption I guess. It was the the birthparents request. Hubby & I have met both birthparents, 1 full sibling, & 1 half sibling of Kiddo. There are more siblings from the birthmother as well as the birthfather we have not met. You have inspired me to be more open in our updates via the agency. I have told the birthmother we would welcome anything she sent to us. Good luck with the book! I look forward to reading it in the future.
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Hey, now, if you can’t cuss about death and infidelity, what CAN you cuss about? (Okay, don’t answer that; you’re a better woman than I in that regard, obviously.) I’m not sure why that book caught my attention but I’m glad I read it. I hope you enjoy it!
Seriously, I’ve been excited to see that you and Dawn are collaborating and significantly more excited since realizing you’re working on a book! You’re both fantastic writers and your blogs also make it clear that your’e fantastic people, which is even more important. If there’s ever anything my partner and I can do to help, I’m glad to volunteer us! (And given my current mental state, I’m going to ignore what you say about blogging well and stick to blogging honestly. I’m hoping eloquence will take over later, but I’m not up to it now.)
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So very, very awesome!! Can I pre-order a copy now?
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WOW! Look at you go…How wonderful!!! Make sure to include people who have open adoptions through foster care. I always feel like I can’t contribute to blog discussions on openness, because it’s always DIA.
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I’m thrilled the two of you are collaborating! I can’t wait to see it unfold and to be the first ones to purchase it!
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While I think it is great you are writing a book (recall the many times I told you that you should give it a try?) I guess I had hoped, that what you would put into that book, would be more about the brutal (and you know I mean brutal) ethical concerns involving adoption. The voice you have given to many of those issues over the years has taught me a great deal, and this is something people really need to hear. Why do our mothers, friends and women (like myself) who adopt, fall victim to perpetuating these roles that have been created in the adoption industry? How is it that mothers are convinced, during the trauma of an unplanned pregnancy, that they are not the best person to raise their own child? How is it that women (like myself) who experience the trauma of infertility, are convinced that pain can be replaced by adopting? How can it be that as women we don’t understand what adoption has us doing to each other, and to the children involved? Wow, guess I sound the Debbie downer, but critically looking at adoption has brought me to a truer understanding, even if it is a painful realization.
The one thing I do know is that you are a great writer already. What ever book you write will be an amazing read. I hope that both you and Dawn will also be able to let other women know that the best thing we can ever do is truly support each other.
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Jenna Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 4:08 am
What part of critical look at open adoption did you not think would involve talk about ethics? The truth is that neither Dawn nor I are 100% anti-adoption nor are we 100% SQUEE!ADOPTION! Our book will be like our blogs in tone: an honest, real look at open adoption which includes the good, the bad and the somewhere in between. I would hope that anyone who knows me would assume that any book I would participate in or write myself (on this topic) would have such a view point. The parenthetical “not meaning negative” was to make sure that everyone knew it wasn’t an, OMG!DON’T!ADOPT! type of book. I surely hope you know I’m not ever going to write a SQUEE!ADOPTION! book either. Neither of the two extremes embody me, Dawn or what we think adoption is about.
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Dawn Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Deb, that book exists and it’s called The Stork Market and it’s by Mirah Riben. You can buy it here: http://www.advocatepublications.com/
If you feel like Mirah didn’t do all you wanted a book to do, by all means write one yourself.
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I guess I am not so good at getting across what I mean, sorry about that.
I don’t really see a wrong thing with a negative, OMG Don’t adopt book.
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Jenna Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 1:29 pm
I’m not the person to be writing such a book. I’m insulted that you would think I would write either extremist book. I separate myself from the crazies.
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Dawn Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Oh and I see something wrong with it — the only people who would read it are people who already believe OMG don’t adopt book. If you really want to change people’s ideas (and Jenna and I DO and HAVE), then you have to lean into what people believe and lead them out. We don’t want to take down the institution of adoption but if we can get people OUTSIDE of the adoption world to start thinking critically, well, we’ll be pretty proud of ourselves. It’s why both of us try to reach out to non-adoption publications and venues and communities. Have you seen Jenna’s posts on blogher? She’s not preaching to the choir when she posts there and there NEEDS to be posts there or it’s just the same old “adoption rocks!” rhetoric. Her activism is powerful and really resonates with me and that’s why I’m so excited about our book.
Again, if it’s not the book you’re picturing, go write the book you want to read. We’re going to write our book.
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I’m glad you are writing the book! You are a great writer! :)
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I would like to see what you both write in a book, I was not being sarcastic about that. Of course I know what you both have written in the past. I do find it interesting that you both jump on me with such anger, because I asked about the book being middle of the road. Is my suggestion that the positives in adoption are so few really that offensive? I guess I am just just wondering more these days (for myself) if what we speak of as “positives” in adoption, really are, or if they are just the things we have allowed ourselves to think in order to cope. I don’t find that extremist, I find it brutally honest.
“If we can get people OUTSIDE of the adoption world to start thinking critically, well, we’ll be pretty proud of ourselves.”
That is exactly what I am talking about. What the two of you have already written has been the reason I have changed my perspective, not anything of Mirah Riben’s thank you.
I read what you wrote, I thought about it, I felt it through my own experience. Now please don’t bite my head off because I did.
I did not arrive here overnight, or with your help alone. It has been a 43 year journey for me, one with a LOT of fail attempts to feel something good through it all. I was raised by adoptees, raised alongside adoptees (one who became a birthparent), and then I still went on to adopt myself. Finally, after all that, I GET it. Maybe, if I had not been told along the way that I should just insert a lot more positives into the experience, I would have gotten there sooner.
The one thing I do not get is why I never seem right by any of you. I mean when I DID see things more positive than negative (and I was NEVER a win-win believer) people blasted me for that. I was not Neg enough. Now that I am saying wow, the positives in adoption are even more limited than I had once thought, now I am an extremist?
No, I am not writing a book, but what I am doing in my daily life does make a difference. I have supported several moms NOT to place in 2009, one who had already placed 2 children before I met her. T’s son will be 1yr old in March and is doing fine. I think that I can feel proud of myself (for that) too.
I wish you both the best with your book project, I truly do. I will be reading because I DO respect you both and appreciate your perspective.
Have a great a blessed new year!
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Jenna Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Deb, Really? You’re just going to keep harping on us? Please go write a wonderful announcement of something you plan on doing. I will then descend upon it, tell you that you’re doing the wrong thing and then keep at it for comments upon comments. Okay? Sound fun?
You know what? You’ve surpassed Dawn and I. You do edge on extremist now. If you can’t even admit that there IS a middle road and that in discussing said middle road you talk about the good and the bad, then you’re not someone I really care to talk about any of this with. Dawn and I are living proof of the positives. We acknowledge that we are not the only positives nor are we the norm of adoption. Much more falls somewhere into the grey, middle area and, honestly, into the black abyss of despair that accompanies adoption. Do you REALLY think that either of us would write a book that didn’t discuss ALL of that?
Have you seen our chapter outline? Have you participated in any of the research? Are you actively seeking interviews from people who HAVE been denied on-going contact when they were promised otherwise? No? Okay then.
Furthermore, good for you. Keep doing what your doing to help real life families. But don’t sit here, on my blog, and act like I’m not doing the same things in Small Town Ohio. I’m the very first call for our CP center. I could tell you the families I have helped, both regarding potential placements and potential losses via CPS, but I don’t need to do that to make myself feel better about my “role” in all of “this.”
I have always, and I do mean always, been blasted because I am middle of the road. I’m never quite positive enough. I’m never quite negative enough. So get yourself in line with the other not-negative-enough ranters if you feel so inclined. Or you could, you know, read the book before you blast it.
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Dawn Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 7:03 pm
What I don’t get is your need to come here and jump on Jenna without even KNOWING what she’s talking about. You just assumed and got critical and she says right up there that she was nervous about talking about this. See, that’s when a person says, “Good for you!” And then later when we’ve talked about the substance of the book, that might be a time to say, “Hey, I see something missing.” I mean, if you’re asked. Which you weren’t.
I feel protective of Jenna in part because she’s my friend and because I got my friends’ backs and in part because she seems to get more of the critical commenters than I do. I think that’s yet another adoptive mom privilege maybe. Maybe people feel Jenna has more obligation to speak FOR this or that than they think I do. (Ironic, that — seems like she should have more of a pass.)
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Two fabulous, fair, feminist writers collaborating on a book about adoption? I’ll squee for that!
I’m really looking forward to what the two of you come up with and the opportunities this could open up for you.
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To me, I can see not one negative thing about two fantastic writers who share ideals about adoption collaborate and educate people people about the good and bad – in whatever form the book takes. I’d read anything either of you write.
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Finally!
*wink*
This book will be a labor of love, but I can’t imagine anyone better suited to write it. Even if you take your stories out of it, they will be there, behind every word – compassion, love, regret, loss, and joy will drive your writing. I’m so very thrilled for you. xoxo
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WOW. I think this could be the most exciting project for you! As someone who has read your blogs for a while, and your true opinions on parenting and adoption as you’ve gone through the last 4 or so years, I think you’re at an awesome place right now to be involved in something like this on your own adoption journey.
COngrats!!!
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I can’t wait to read this book! I know it will be fantastic, just like you and Dawn!
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[...] months, I’ve well surpassed full time and am working some crazy hectic hours. And, you know, writing a book on top of it all because I don’t have enough to do. My outside the home job has me working [...]
How weird that you both respond to this woman in such a manner. Ms. Donatti continues each and every time with grace and clarity.
What happened to you Dawn?
My goodness Jenna you are one strange person. Do you have a life outside of adoption?
Please can you ban my ip address so I don’t have to read this drivel anymore.
Someone told me you had written something crazy and I couldn’t resist having a look.
I’m sorry that you continue to be a spiteful person who hides behind the persona of being a good Christian.
You’ve taken Dawn down with you, that’s a pity.
Oh well.
If you want to be a professional birthmother instead of having a real career then good luck with that.
Please, seriously can you ban my ip number, I just can’t stop looking sometimes, it’s like a train wreck. I read these blogs when procrastinating.
I’m so disappointed with myself that I used to want to be your friend. Same with Dawn.
You two have become really mean.
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[...] overly important or huge, I’d present the argument than Dawn uses whenever she’s defending me (thanks, Dawn). I’m talking about adoption on a mainstream site. People don’t go to [...]