As I start planning, writing and managing tone, I’m thrown into a state of remembrance. I am remembering phone calls between myself and the agency through which I placed.
I wish I had known to record those phone calls. I wish I had known half of what they weren’t telling me.
I think I want to interview agencies that do a good job on educating expectant parents considering relinquishment about the realities of grief and loss. I do not know how to go about finding one of those. More over, it would be especially awesome if said agency also educated potential adoptive parents as to how birth parent grief and loss is to be expected and is absolutely no reason to close an adoption.
Am I creating fictitious agencies in my mind?
All of the thought over the past few days has left me wondering how people, not companies/agencies but the real people sitting at the desk or on the other end of a phone, can mislead other human beings and not feel weighed down with guilt for the rest of their lives. Or are some of them equally mislead? Who does the initial blame belong with? How far back in history do we have to go? I start thinking of all of these questions and I get overwhelmed with sadness for an industry that desperately needs reform but, sadly, those working in it aren’t even fully aware of what changes need to be made.
Yet I refuse to believe we’re fighting a losing battle. And that’s what makes me… me.
My name is Jenna. I blog here, 
Our teeny tiny agency (the owner/director and occasional part-time workers) is one of the very few that I feel actually does this fairly well. I don’t have a lot of choices where we live but am thankful that we connected with her during Widget’s adoption.
I can pass on her contact information if you are interested.
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Jenna,
Sounds a lot like my social worker… she’s the only one at her office doing domestic infant adoptions (they only do a dozen or so a year), but the agency is statewide. Not sure how the other offices are. E-mail me if you’d like me to get you in contact with her! I’m sure she’d love to talk to you.
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allow me to be petty and bitter, but I have spent many nights seriously hoping my caseworker feels intense guilt over what she did to me and my child. i believe the agency owner is just plain evil…somehow i still view the casewrecker as human and filled with guilt. it gets me through the dark hours sometimes.
like I said, petty and bitter. but i never said I wasnt. sometimes, in viewing adoption and my resulting loss and trauma, I very much am. not proud of it by any means but wont deny its there.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
Suz; I don’t think my caseworker understood, at all, any of the things she did. When I initially called in that first month after Munchkin’s placement, demanding to be told why I wasn’t told that open adoptions weren’t legally binding, she was clueless. I don’t think she would understand ethical adoption if it smacked her in the face. I don’t think she has the ability then to feel guilty about what she did. She’s been brainwashed by the higher ups in the agency. I almost feel sorry for her.
Almost.
And petty and bitter is still allowed. For all of my peace, if you want to get me riled up, get me started on a conversation about my agency. I see stars.
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I hate the agency we’re using. I strongly believe that they have mishandled (both sides of) the two matches we’ve had, as well as our money. They provide virtually no education for either birthparents or adoptive parents, and if we hadn’t had to pay such a large up-front fee, we’d be with another agency now. However, all of our savings have been spent, and we’re feeling kind of stuck. In the meantime, I went to a support group that had an educational presentation by a social worker who runs another agency in our area, and I wish with all my heart that I’d known about her when we got started. Her focus is truly on education and support for all involved — and I really needed to see that there are people in this field who do things the right way, because I was starting to lose all hope about ethics and education. If you’re interested in her name, email me, and I’ll be happy to pass it along.
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Twitter: texasebeth
says:
I think our agency does a great job with providing support, counseling and education for both sides as well. It is a small agency which might be part of the difference. I know the owner & caseworkers are passionate about open adoptions and they truly love what they do. Maxine (the owner) was an adoption social worker for years before starting the agency. She didn’t like the way things ere being done & she wanted it done differently. They are in the Houston area but place nationally. If you want their info, let me know.
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