2010 January » The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

Green

Jan 132010

I came across an interesting quote. I don’t know if it’s 100% true but I think it has basis in truth.

Jealousy is nothing more than fear of abandonment.
-Unknown

Wow.

I wonder if, perhaps, that’s why we see so much jealousy, back and forth, between adoptive and birth parents. I know I’ve felt a twinge here and there over the years when D got to experience something with the Munchkin that, had I parented, I would have experienced myself. Those little thoughts that poke at my brain and push the “what if” button. Not proactive thoughts, mostly reactive. Having read this quote, I’d really like to explore the concept of whether those jealous thoughts were just based on abandonment issues as attached to relinquishment. Maybe. Possibly.

I’ve seen adoptive parents become jealous of birth parents, too. Are they simply afraid that their child will abandon them for their birth family? It’s an interesting concept. Is that why some adoptive parents are hesitant to help their child in the search process? My mind is swirling with any time I’ve ever felt jealous. I don’t think it’s a foolproof quote but I think there’s some truth to it.

Jealous of my high school into college boyfriend’s new friend that was a girl? Total fear that he would leave me for her. (Which he said he didn’t. But he married her. So… I’m just saying! Great guy though. Great girl, too!) Jealous of my brother? Felt totally usurped after being an only child for eight years and was afraid my parents loved him more. (They say they love us equally. I trust them. Now.) And those are just two examples. So, yes, I can see some truth to it.

I don’t know how it plays out when you factor in material things though. I don’t see how being jealous of someone’s house/car/clothes/job/culinary ability stems back to fear of abandonment. I mean, I’m totally jealous that Ivory can sew really, really awesome things. (Though I’m re-teaching myself, folks! Kind of.) I don’t think that means that I fear my husband will leave me if I screw up the hem on his pants. I wonder then if this quote applies only to jealousy between people and relationships and not physical(ish) things.

Whatever the case, I rarely (rarely) find myself feeling jealous as of late. The truth is that, yes, D gets to experience some great things with the Munchkin. But I also have my own relationship with her. Maybe it’s learning not to compare apples and oranges? Maybe. I do occasionally get jealous about this one lady’s awesomely toned body at the gym but, if anything, that only makes me work harder and sweat more. Mostly. Every now and then it makes me want to eat an entire pizza but that’s probably a separate issue. I also am jealous of a co-worker’s really awesome camera… until I realized that most of my money goes to caring for my really awesome children and then my priorities straighten themselves and all is well again.

I’m going to try and keep this quote in my mind the next time a jealous thought pops in my head and see if I can stem it back to something of this nature. It’s all just very interesting.

Open Adoption Roundtable #12: 2010

Adoption, in General 2 Responses »

Jan 082010

The question:

Call them resolutions, commitments, changes, or choices–how will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?

As always, I have some things in mind that involve being proactive about promoting awareness and acceptance at the same time.

Well, as Dawn said, we’re writing a book. So, there’s that.
I’ve also been put in charge of the adoption group discussions at BlogHer for awhile in hopes of kick-starting the conversation. While this seems like nothing overly important or huge, I’d present the argument than Dawn uses whenever she’s defending me (thanks, Dawn). I’m talking about adoption on a mainstream site. People don’t go to BlogHer to research adoption. They hit the big adoption sites when they’re researching adoption, placement or other things. They go to BlogHer/etc for other reasons. If they learn something about adoption in the process, hooray! While the group itself will likely gather those specifically touched by adoption, the links sent out by the site will bring in others. This is a good thing, of course.
Blogging both here, the family blog and, really, just about everywhere. Do you realize the power you have to make people think simply by posting something you’ve written about adoption on twitter? I’ve had people read things that they never would have otherwise read simply because I shared the link on twitter. Gosh, I love twitter.
And, really, just mostly living the life that we live. I do have two blogs and some have accused me of doing so to filter my daughter out of my mainstream life. But I write about her on the family blog. I tweet links to this blog on my twitter account. I post pictures that aren’t filtered (other than not being public) on Facebook. If asked questions, even by new coworkers, I provide direct answers. I don’t remove pictures on my wall when people are coming. I just live my life. Part of who I am is a birth mother in open adoption. Others see that when they interact with me. And, really, that’s a good thing, too!

I don’t imagine that I’ll make the entire world realize that open adoption a) isn’t bad, b) isn’t great, c) needs reform, just by doing these things this year. Some people will refuse to listen because of their own beliefs and the existing stereotypes against birth parents. Some people will be unable to listen, deafened by their own agendas. Some people won’t know to listen, living blissfully unaware in their own ignorance. And some people won’t care, finding that these issues don’t affect their family or their own lives.

But I’ll keep on doing what I do because I can’t imagine not doing what I do. I’m hopeful that 2010 will bring great things in my own personal open adoption relationship as well as in the work that I continue to do. No, let me rephrase. I’m not hopeful. I’m confident.

And that’s a good thing.