As I make my way back into the groove of blogging and working after the loss of my grandfather, I’m thinking a lot about a question I asked over on BlogHer just yesterday. Basically, the question was:
How much do you share regarding your adoption story? How much is too much?
After I asked that, D let me know that she has purchased a domain and is going to blog! I will not link you as of yet. I will wait for her to find her comfort level and out herself. That said, it was perfect timing for both this question and the one I plan on asking next!
I’ve learned a lot about what is mine to share and what is D’s to share… and what will be Munchkin’s to share. I have learned these boundaries by making mistakes. I like to learn the hard way. I have over-shared at times though D has really only called me out on it once. I fixed it and we got past it, like most of our blips and bloops on our adoption journey.
I think that’s what makes adoption blogging so difficult.
I can write just about anything about the family that lives under my roof. I’m participating in the making of these stories. As long as I am not putting my husband’s job in jeopardy, I am pretty much free to share what I please. I do censor myself in some ways, refusing to share anything about our sexual relationship not really because I’m a prude but because my husband’s grandparents read our blog. (There’s an ick factor there when it comes to sex, no?) Again, while I may share about fires, I don’t share details of the fire itself and more often share about what I experienced, at home, while he was off fighting. When I share about the kids, I don’t post pictures of naked tushies or anything overly embarrassing. As Dawn said in her comment to the question, I will always give the family veto power.
But it works differently in adoption.
It’s not always possible to share only my story. Our stories, as they pertain to adoption, get tangled together in different ways. We also view things differently, react to them differently and experience them on different levels and in different ways. I think I mostly make that clear in my writing but I suppose that can get lost in translation.
I rarely write about the Munchkin herself here, sans-really cute stories of our conversations or the occasional discussion of something she is experiencing. Why? I don’t want to step on D’s toes. The truth is that when it comes down to it, she’s the mommy and should therefore be the mommyblogger. You know? I tend to back off in that area, moreso than I used to do. As Shannon pointed out, I’m more apt to talk about theory and ethics and what not rather than the ins and outs of our story. Or my own healing process which still has to be edited at times. It’s difficult, this adoption blogging.
If I’ve learned anything, it’s that the lines in the sand of this topic shift from time to time. During difficult times, I find it safer, for all, if I hold back a little. During times of ease, I find that it’s a bit more acceptable to go back and rehash some things (respectfully) or share a little more about current stuff. Shifting shifting. It’s probably more about learning what and when than about a hard and fast rule. At least for me. For us.
My name is Jenna. I blog here, 
Twitter: Upstatemamma
says:
It is an interesting topic and not particularly easy for me either. Before my youngest came home we had some issues in her process. They were caused by personal and difficult things. Things I talked about vaguely and gave very little details about. Just that delays had been caused and we would have to wait for her a little (or a lot if I was in an emotional mood – which I generally was). One day that story will be hers and she will know it completely. She will be free to tell whoever she wants, whenever she wants. But I would hate for it to be out there for family to know before (or if) she did not want them to know.
Lately, I find myself wanting to write a little about attachment and bonding in adoption. Especially, international adoption, where the child is never an infant. But how do I do that without putting too much of her journey out there? Is it appropriate to talk about her journey of bonding and attaching to us and us to her? I don’t know and so I say nothing. I will wait and one day maybe I will have the words. Maybe not.
Its a good question though. I am sure even more tricky for you then me. :)
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It really is a tricky issue in talking about adoption, whether in print or IRL conversation. Each adoption situation is so individual that if we only stick to large-scale idea and theoretical sharing that isn’t specific, a lot of what might be helpful gets lost. At the same time, if we wait for mature informed consent from the kids involved, it’s unlikely we’ll be able to remember what happened and how it all felt and what we did about it.
I’m not a blogger, so I don’t know how I’d balance those sides out or if I’d be able to.
As a reader of blogs, I am often thankful for specifics because they truly do inform, and only occasionally do I kind of cringe about stuff that’s posted, and think about how I wouldn’t like to be a kid going to school with other kids who could have access to that information, etc.
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Can I just say, you’re awesome? I’ve been sitting here, bumping around your site, feeling for you – admiring your writing, nodding, but just what you deal with day to day – it’s really cool. I mean, that came out wrong (so hit delete..) what you deal with sucks! But you’re a good writer, no doubt, and an even better all around Mommy to all your kidlets, with you or not, but the way you think about things! It’s so refreshing!
I am a birth mom. My daughter is about to turn 18 and we’re hoping she’ll maybe want to see us. I picked up some books only to run into everything you’re talking about – I’m a lowly birth mom, she was rescued, she was unwanted by me (all untrue except for the first).
I don’t know what to do in my situation. I haven’t made a choice yet. But I totally applaud your words here, your courage, the fact that you’ve chosen to share your life with the rest of us…. and speak for us in a way that invites. Thank you so much!
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