As I continue to branch out and do new things, I continue to meet new people. As I continue to do more things, my schedule gets kind of hectic. As my schedule gets more hectic, I care less about who knows what and how I’m supposed to be ashamed, according to society, about the existence of my daughter.
Over lunch the other day, I mentioned that I’d be in Columbus on Thursday working on the book I’m writing with Dawn. My lunch mate had not yet heard of my book and asked the topic. I paused, ever so briefly, before launching into the “I relinquished my firstborn for adoption and Dawn is an adoptive mother and, really, our timelines are quite similar, so, at first we were going to write a memoir but the industry is saturated, so we changed to a book that discusses how openness is changing the adoption world for the good and the not-so-grand.” Yes, that is a run-on sentence but it’s how I talk when I’m nervous. That was likely said all in one breath while fiddling with my silverware and avoiding eye contact. I looked up afterward and she said, “That sounds interesting.” Without sarcasm or irony or judgment. She didn’t probe or ask questions about my adoption journey. We just continued on with conversation.
I’m left wondering why I fear the process of telling my story to new people so much. I know the answer, of course, is because some people are truly judgmental. There’s still a stigma and a shame attached to what I have done, the path I have walked. More over, even some of my sisters in birth motherhood claim that I should be private and selective in who I tell, verging on the line of secretive.
I’m not good at secrets, people. Especially my own.
I don’t want to wear a “HEY! I’M A BIRTH MOTHER” shirt. I don’t think it’s the first thing that I need to tell people about myself. It’s not the biggest hat I wear but it is an important part of who I am and why I have done certain things in and with my life. Like mothering in general, really, it shapes future decisions. While I’d like new people to know that I’m a writer, a photographer, a wife and a mother, I am seeing less of a problem with them also knowing that I’m a birth mother.
Then again, my oldest son will hit elementary school in a year and a half and my tune may very well change. There are small-minded individuals everywhere, of course, and I have found that no one is as judgmental as a mom (or group of moms) who wants to be accepted. Which seems counterproductive, don’t you think? The last time I shared my birth mother role with a group of mom’s at a playgroup, I was shortly thereafter shunned. I’m not looking forward to dealing with that again… ever again. But, whatever the case, this recent experience has been a confidence booster that I think I needed.
About a million years ago, I was shunned by a playgroup because my second child, a 3-month old, was not immunized. It hurt at the time and also seemed nonsensical to me–after all, my baby wasn’t a threat to their immunized preschoolers. That made me think that it wasn’t really the health risk that made them upset, but the fact that my choices made them uncomfortable with their own decisions.
Perhaps your playgroup couldn’t face the fact that you being a regular, everyday kind of mom called into question their presumptions about who does and who does not make up the birth-mom part of adoption.
I think times have changed a lot and now there are more people familiar with reasons for skipping early vaccines, so I doubt an unvaccinated infant would get such a strong reaction today. It would be great if the same learning and accepting could take place regarding birth moms, and I hope that day comes soon.
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Twitter: thecindylorrain
says:
As a first mom, I want to tell people about being a first mom.
Often people seem very confused about my reasons to place, even though they are very logical.
They often bring up all the worst stories they have heard or experienced and refuse to understand how much I love my son.
It’s always like a knife in my gut when someone who I call a friend asks again, after I’ve told all many times ‘so…why didn’t you want your kid??’ as if that is the only reason to give up the chance to parent someone.
Everyone wants to root for what they know best, anything that falls out of their understanding is harder to except. It can be done, but many are not willing.
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