Recently someone from my pre-Munchkin past popped into my Internet life for all of twenty-four hours. Well, no. He skimmed the blogs for two days before contacting me. Our contact lasted less than twenty-four hours. I assume he is done. I know that I’m done.
All the same, I know that he knows about the Munchkin. He was here. He hopped around. He read posts. As our contact didn’t get any more in depth than, “Why are you contacting me,” I don’t know what his thoughts were, what he thinks of me, what he thinks of adoption. I mean, truthfully, I wouldn’t care what he thought of me, good, indifferent or otherwise. But I’m a curious cat most of the time.
I realize that by existing on the web as I do that I will be found. He Googled my name, which I’m surprised he knew considering he Googled my married name. I know that Googling my name takes you to my professional website which includes links to all of my other writing, this site included. (Plus AdoptionBlogs which, you know, says it right in the name.) People who are just casually looking me up because they wonder what I’ve become, what I’ve done with my life, have the truth of my life thrust in their face in the time it takes to do a search string and click a link or two. I think I’m okay with that… mostly.
This person, I didn’t care about. What about my High School bully? Or, rather, bullies? Now, to be honest, I don’t really care about their opinions either. However, knowing that one still happens to be a Gossip Monger that thrives on making other people feel bad, if she happened upon this site, would she spread rumors that are, really, not all that rumor-ish since, you know, I lay it all out there anyway? I don’t know. I might not care if the thought of it didn’t remind me of being a junior in high school who used to avoid the hallway she was walking down simply to avoid the finger-pointing, laughter and general feeling that I was worthless in the eyes of someone else. Then again, I deal with Internet bullies with grace so perhaps I’ve come into my own. Who knows.
The digital age is a difficult one for me as a birth parent. I assume other birth parents might feel similarly. Some lock their blogs, password protect them and have eventually removed them all together. It’s hard to be open and honest all the time. It’s hard to want to tell a story that a large number of people simply don’t want to hear, receive or understand. It’s hard to put yourself on the line time and time again, to get shot down, time and time again. I think the nasty weather has left me holed up inside for far too long. I need some fresh air and a mental refresh.
In the end, I know I don’t care about people knowing my story. I’ve written it. I stand by it. But sometimes I’m left feeling uneasy.
Twitter: texasebeth
says:
I got Facebook message/stalked & I’m not even involved directly other than being married into Hubby’s family which involved the adoption bombshell from yesterday. I’m feeling very uneasy because it’s not my story or information to share but I want to because I think it is the right thing to do. That & the fact I blab all to everyone. I will write about it eventually as a way of sorting through all the info for me but not post it most likely for awhile, if ever. I’m not ready to handle the flack I’ll get. :) Interesting how the timing worked out though.
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Ya know what? Just keep telling your story. Those that want to hear it, will. Those that don’t can just scroll on by. It is hard to put yourself out there, and I can bet anyone that judges you harshly has something that they can be equally judged about. They just don’t let the world know.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
How’d you get to be so smart? You’re right. I forget that sometimes. Thanks for the reminder!
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I think that by putting it out there, you actually disempower anyone who wants to hold your story against you, even just in a gossipy way. First of all because you aren’t hiding stuff, and that makes it seem like stuff that doesn’t require hiding–a message this world needs to hear. But also because if they actually take the time to read your words, they might find themselves understanding your experience and your perspective.
I’m way older than you, so it may be more true for folks in my age bracket than for yours since more time has passed for things to have changed in people’s lives, but I like to think that since high school or college days, we’ve all had so many things served up to us by fate that we wouldn’t have expected. Anyone who puts up her nose and acts superior will likely have to enjoy that position all alone–the rest of us are busy dealing with reality.
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Sharing your story makes a real difference, it least it has for me. I am an adult adoptee who is actively working on building a relationship with my birth mother. When I read your blog I think about how your experiences may be similar or different from my birth mother’s experiences. So thank you for sharing so much of yourself even though I’m sure it is scary at times.
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