I logged into Facebook, read a few posts in my Live Feed and read the following status update from no less than three people:
This week is First Child appreciation Week: Post a photo of your oldest child as your profile picture. Let’s show how much we appreciate the first born kids in our families for all they go through and all they do! Copy this and comment with name and age
Sounds easy enough.
Unless you’re me. Or the many other birth parents who relinquished their firstborn I know on Facebook. (I made a clarification there because not all birth parents relinquish their firstborn.)
It’s so weird to live this open life that I do, to leave it all hanging out there and still get all anxious about Facebook memes. I’m not going to change my profile picture to a shot of the gorgeous Munchkin. Why? It’s not my right. It’s not my space. It’s not my story. That’s D’s place, should she so choose to get on with her meme-self. Even if she said, “Hey, it’s cool, I don’t mind,” I don’t think I’d do it. It’s complicated even though the vast majority of, well, the world, knows that I’m a birth mother. It’s just confusing for some.
And I’m not putting my oldest son’s picture up there either. He may be the firstborn son. He may be the oldest child in this house. He may have a lot of typical firstborn qualities (hi, stubborn). He is not my firstborn. I struggle to find the balance of letting him be the oldest with reminding him that he has an older sister. It’s hard. Most days he doesn’t want to be the oldest as of late anyway. He wants to be the youngest. That’s a discussion for another time.
I hate the little reminders of this issue. They’re just little things. They mean nothing in the grand scheme of my life, our family or, really, anything. But I get to feeling sad anytime someone has a firstborn meme of this nature (as there was another one in the past that was a survey about your firstborn). I know I could participate. I know she’s still part of my life, that I’m still part of hers. But there’s so many lines in the sand there.
In short: I won’t be participating in First Child Appreciation Week on Facebook. Not that I ever participate in these memes… ahem.
I had my breath taken away when I saw that post by several friends. I can’t bring myself to put my first-born’s pic up, as I did not raise him, have only been reunited for a year, am not “out of the closet” with all my facebook friends, am “friends” with my oldest son and don’t know what he would think of me posting him. (If I knew for sure my son would be ok with it, I think I would post it.) On the other hand, I can’t bring myself to post my daughter’s pic either, as she was not my first-born.
This life as a first mom is complicated. I wish there was a rule book!
Susie
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Hey, it’s cool, I don’t mind ;) But, I think you already knew that.
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Jenna Reply:
March 4th, 2010 at 4:28 am
I knew/know. But it’s still… it’s something that I can’t quite explain. Maybe I’ll work on that post. Or something!
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Dee Reply:
March 4th, 2010 at 2:12 pm
I do understand why you aren’t putting her picture up. On the flip side of it, it would feel weird for me to put her picture up as well. Although she is my oldest child, she isn’t technically my “first born”.
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Jenna Reply:
March 4th, 2010 at 2:25 pm
Look! We’re all emo-anxious together! Technically it reads first child, which she is, no?
That said, I feel that my Mom should totally make me her profile picture. Ahem. HA!
I so was thinking the same thing. My son that I relinquished turns 11 in 3 weeks. So that little “thing” on FB kind of got my mind twirling as well..Glad to know I’m not the only one..
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Pretty much sums up my thoughts this morning when I saw the same. I could put up a pic of my parented daughter and none would be the wiser, or take issue with it. Even my birthdaughter’s mom who is one of my friends would understand. However, it just doesn’t feel authentic.
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As well, of course, as all those whose first-born died… or who lost one or more before their first *born*…
I assume people live in a little happy bubble where everything is fine and dandy and all parents get to raise all the children they carry.
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