A friend of mine recently welcomed a baby. A wonderful, healthy little boy. He’s perfect. I held him the other day for about an hour and just breathed in his newbornness. It was beautiful, precious and everything that’s leaving me feeling overwhelmed with emotions that I don’t often entertain.
They weren’t planning to have another child. They’re struggling now with the ins and outs of the current state of the economy. I keep meaning to call more often. I keep meaning to take her two older children. I keep getting emotional each time I reach for the phone. I am failing her as a friend. It’s selfish. It’s horrible. I need to get over it. I figure blogging it will get it out there, help me heal, as this blog so often does.
She now has two girls and a boy. I would have had a girl and two boys. I do have two girls and a boy. But I don’t. But I do. And so goes the inner conflict. Her child was unexpected, unplanned. But they made it work. Sure, they had the marriage going for them. A support system. But, oh, my heart.
People often tell me when I’m discussing this issue that I should count my blessings. What they’re not saying is, “You should could your blessings and shut your pie hole.” I have two healthy boys. I have contact with my daughter and her family. Therefore, I shouldn’t get emotional. I shouldn’t play the What If game. Of course, I don’t play that game often. But I am tonight. Indulge me.
Would we have purchased this new living room suit? Would we be planning another big vacation with my family? Would I have been afforded the opportunity to work from home? Would I not be worried that I am about to pick up a paycheck tomorrow that only had a total of seven hours of work for a two hour period? Would I feel complete if all three were here? Or would something always be missing (like the baby we lost to miscarriage)? What would have happened to me if we had risked it and tried for just “one more” baby? Would I have died due to complications? Or would we have a third baby here already? And would that even be enough? Would I then say, “Oh, I should have four children,” and then become jealous of anyone with four children in their home?
It’s hard. I know I’m a good mom to these two little dudes. I have my faults. I have my limits. But I think I could have handled three. I have so much love. I love her so much. I love each of these boys so much. I would have loved Rose had she made it to this side of my womb. I get in an angry tangle when I think about how some people thought I wasn’t good enough for her then, that simply because I didn’t have a big bank account, a husband or whatever else they deemed necessary to parent a child at the time. I could have been wonderful.
I’m trying to get past my selfish anger. I know she needs me. I’ve been there, dropping off a slew of clothing and spending some time. But not like I know I could or, even, should. I’m stuck in this emotional pit where jealousy is driving me somewhat crazy. It’s not that I’m unhappy for her. I’m thrilled for her. I’m just sad for me.
I think I should go and snuggle my boys. Or, at the very least, head to bed.
this is a really moving post. it must be so hard to wonder ‘what if’ now, but I don’t think there’s anything IF about you being a wonderful mom.
I know it’s entirely different, but reading about your mixed feelings about this beautiful newborn reminds me so much of my own feelings when struggling with infertility and my own losses. I hope that makes sense.
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Twitter: Upstatemamma
says:
I pray that this comment does not come off obnoxious or self serving. I pray that even though I am a parent who is on the other side of the adoption tangle you know that I mean it when I say this. I personally have no doubt that you would have been a good everyday parent to her. I also have no doubt that you are an awesome mom to her in this capacity. While I get that that does not make what you are feeling any better I still felt like it should be said. And I do not mean it in a count your blessings way just in that I think you need to hear that you are rocking it. :)
I think the what if game is hard. I think it gets the best of all of us sometimes. I’m not sure we can help it. I am equally sure that your friend is blessed to have someone who cares so much. And as a friend I am sure she is not sitting back and thinking t herself, “Geesh! Why isn’t Jenna doing more for me?” I am sure she is simply grateful to have you as her friend.
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Twitter: texasebeth
says:
We all have our own “what if” game that runs in our heads. Yours is very valid. You have every right to be emotional & jealous. Sometimes a little self indulgance is what the doctor ordered! You are a totally awesome mom to ALL your children, you just mother your daughter in a different way.
I’m still jealous sometimes because I didn’t have a preganancy experience. My “what ifs” just happens to involve my issues with infertility & not being able to adopt another child when I want a girl. I still dread baby showers to this day!
{{hugs}}
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No matter how many children you do or don’t have you still have raging hormones and feelings. I am 44 and still think about the what-ifs. I had 2 miscarriages and 3 live births. I am raising those 3 boys but I wonder about the other 2. We decided because of my age and financial situation to stop after the last live birth. We could have had more but the decision was made. I was a decision maker. So I hold my sister’s newborn son. I buy beautiful gifts for her 3 year old daughter. I won’t ever have a girl of my own to raise but I will be OK and You will too.
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